Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

Cripes, you and @Jk987 seem really desperate to hang onto the wrong end of the stick!

"Why didn't she go for dinner with the colleague who invited her?" does not imply anything at all about wanting sex. In any language

FWIW, I also find it strange that a woman who's doing so well in a male-dominated career is being painted as incapable of having dinner with a married couple. She wanted to dine with two men she doesn't know well, she can't be scared of one man and a woman she doesn't know well.

I can't believe so many people have just swallowed the whole "she complained that we probably thought she wanted to behave inappropriately with our husbands" crap as it is clearly absolute bullshit and likely the product of some misogynistic catty conversation between the men and the directors they're presumably quite pally with to warrant the personal phone calls to justify implementing a policy.

If you're new to a company and there's an established culture of employees using business trips as a vehicle to facilitate their partners' social lives you are excluded from that, whether explicitly or implied. Inclusivity is about ensuring your workforce are not hindered and thus able to be part of the team, not your employees' partners.

Perhaps some trips may be more appropriate for bringing partners, I don't know. I've never felt the need to have my husband accompany me to work. I also don't feel pressured to spend my entire evening with colleagues if I don't want to but that is different again from being excluded.

It's not usual where I work to take spouses on work trips but the evenings would be seen as your own time outside of organised events.

But it wasn’t as though all the male colleagues went out together (with their spouses) without her. Everyone was simply doing their own thing. The OP didn’t even see the female colleague, she and her DH spent their evening together alone.

One of the male colleagues realizing she had no plans kindly invited her to join him and his wife.

If that had been me, I would have not wanted to have dinner with a couple who were expecting to be alone, but I would have appreciated the gesture.

I then would have realized that these work trips are daytime only and evenings are up to each employee to do as they wish.

Meaning that next trip I might invite a friend or a boyfriend, or plan to enjoy a spa, or a takeaway and Netflix night.

Op said ‘that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate’ which implies the wives made her uncomfortable (Tbf she’s probably right given the comments on here)

ill admit i missed that, but then did the female collegue know that was the reason or did she guess ?

The company would need evidence for this? or can it just be a "feeling"

Everyone was sent a standard email but husband and male colleague were spoken to and given the reason with apologies but male colleague was told that these company now had to tread carefully.

She sounds as though she could be a bit troublesome.
She was offered to join one of her colleagues and his wife for dinner but refused so it's not as though she wasn't being included.

I do however find it odd that she complained. TBF based on her behaviour after only being in the company for a few months and it not really being any of her business if I were your DH I'd be civil during working hours, but I couldn't have anything to do with her outside of company working hours.

According to OP non of the wives even met her.

OP and husband went on their own to a pub dinner.

Female colleague declined dinner invite from the the o the guy so presumably she didn’t meet his wife either!

"she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate."

@Sweetmarzipan I hope that this complaint absolutely sinks this woman's career! What a nasty thing to do!!

Next time they are away, your DH and his male colleagues need to make sure that they do NOT invite her to any meals or have any time alone with her, as she seems the time that would make a false claim. Next time if she asks about dinner, just say "as we don't want to be accused of being unprofessional or inappropriate, it is best that you make your own arrangements to eat".

That's pathetic. Meeting people you don't yet know is ...how you meet people.

By adulthood most of us are capable of going to a single meal in a group of three. It's toddler playdates where you need to be aware of it being a bad number.

Maybe if it was two weeks in the Maldives, but it was a meal in a hotel restaurant - presumably one she could have escaped up to her room in if it really all got too socially overwhelming.

Oh, you as well WTF. Have you all misread the comment in your eagerness to have a go at PPs??

if she had no designs on the colleagues then why didn't she go out for dinner with them ?

Well? If she merely wanted company over dinner, why didn't she?

No colleague has a right to their colleague's company in the evening on a work trip nor to dictate to their colleague how they might spend their evening on a work trip. Incredible.

Especially because it's just their feelings got a bit diddumsy hurt as they imagined some slight was intended by a husband and wife wanting to have a meal together.

ETA I mean honestly, talk about making herself the centre of something that had naught to do with her.

I’m perplexed by it too - how can getting a free hotel room once every 6 months translate to a “nice lifestyle”? Also confused as to how OP can drop everything and go and join him on these trips - I assume using annual leave?

Also, what’s happening to the husband’s dinner allowance if he’s going for a pub dinner with his wife? Is he strictly itemising the meal so only the food he ate is expensed?

My take on this is that companies are generally cracking down on perks that can be perceived negatively, even if they don’t cost the company a penny more. It’s sad (because who doesn’t love a perk?) but definitely of the times.

We are getting half a story here though a misogynistic lense.

Yes, what's she going to do next? Complain if someone's partner rings them up? If they go off on paternity leave? Will she be jealous of that too? I would be worried about her lack of logic (spouses came before she was there, so it's clearly nothing to do with her!) as she could apply this in the office too.

It’s really presumptuous to assume colleagues would spend evening together unless it was part of the work event. Lots of people like downtime to decompress after work especially if heath issues or ND. People can do what want in free time.
Colleague A could have said I’m off to do my weekly online mandarin class, colleague B it’s college parents evening I’m joining that on zoom, colleague C I’m going to have a massage in hotel health spa etc.
As I understand it husband and male colleague were doing different things it wasn’t they were doing something together and leaving her out.
Under no circumstances would I socialise in free time with her if I was your husband going forwards.

I agree the ‘reason’ given sounds dodgy and there may be some editorializing by the OP, the OP’s DH or the DH’s boss.

However there are a lot of people on here who think it’s inappropriate for spouses to be in the hotel room.

But again, assuming all expenses are detailed and accounted for and there’s no special work event planned in the evening,

WHAT is the actual difference between going home after work to your spouse and going upstairs to a hotel room after work to your spouse.

No, she didn't! Deliberate misrepresentation, what's wrong with you?

she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

I agree. And, as a woman and depending where you are staying, you sometimes just can’t trot out and explore and find a nice restaurant or bar. So then end up in the hotel which, depending on your expenses policy can end up really expensive.

I would be worried about her lack of logic (spouses came before she was there, so it's clearly nothing to do with her!)

Please don't bring logic into this: it spoils the story for the colleague.

They wouldn't need evidence to implement a policy which doesn't treat any employee(s) unfairly, in accordance with their contractual rights, company policy and legislation.

I agree.
It's fine to meet up with spouse or friends for dinner. It's your own time. However, it's a bit unprofessional of rh and colleagues to allow spouses to stay over. The company would save money for a single room per staff member.

And honestly in these circumstances I don't want to spent time with somebodies wife either.

Why on earth not!?