AIBU to expect adult stepchildren to contribute to family holiday costs?

[JayEmAye]

My darling partner wants to pay for her three adult children, all in their twenties and earning, to join yet another family holiday at no cost. They have lived at home for much of their adult lives despite limited space, coming and going as they please. I have largely tolerated this, but feel it is reasonable to set boundaries and expect some financial contribution before she books anything.

I think if it's her money it's entirely up to her, and I have to say I find the comment "come and go as they please and living there as adults which i largely tolerated" shows alot about how you now view the home being yours and your wife's and not theirs.

It's their childhood home? And even if not childhood they've clearly lived there a good long while, and it's where their mum lives so it remains their home. She sounds like a lovely loving mother who knows that despite being an adult (and young adults at 22 and 23 etc these days aren't necessarily comparable to those of yesteryear in terms of starting salaries, ability to buy or even rent etc) knows that they feel at home in the home they grew up in or lived with her.

My husbands stepdad, the minute all the kids were off working or at uni, decided that that was it, no-one was welcome to live there again and no way would any of them feel able to just turn up unannounced. It's a real shame, as it was a childhood home and meant that after uni my husband felt he couldn't leave his expensive university town to go home for a while to get a job as he would have nowhere to live even temporarily.

Basically, your wife is still their mum even if they're adults and it's lovely they're welcome to come and go as they please by her, unless they're taking the absolute mick and rocking up at midnight I can't see the issue unless you want this time to be all for you and herself. If she wants to fund their presence on family holidays fair play to her, she probably knows she has more disposable income than them perhaps?

Exactly.

And even if they're all agreed on a location, the presumably middle aged adult probably places a higher premium on comfortable accommodation than the DC who might prefer to get something as cheap as possible to maximise spending money.

Waiting for the drip feed that they are all investment bankers in their 30s.

If they are late teens or early 20s and DW is using her own money then this seems less of an issue.

In terms of them showing no signs of moving out, did you discuss this with Dw before you moved in together?

We pay for our young adult children to come on holiday with us; they can't realistically afford the kind of holidays we want to go on. It's a lovely thing to be able to do as a parent and I'm hoping we'll continue to do so for a few years to come tbh. I'd hope that when they're earning a bit more they might treat us to dinner or something one night but largely I'd expect the costs to be covered by us.

They will also always have a home here if they need it, regardless of their age.

Doo you have any children of your own OP?

Who is paying for the grown up children's share? Is it affordable?

Sorry if this has already been mentioned - but can you get this moved to Stepparenting? You will get more balanced views over there. AIBU really doesn’t like step-parents

Our kids - early 20s, in good jobs - are invited to come with us on holiday - they pay for their flights and we pay for everything else. It's a great deal for them.

My dd does go on holiday with her friends, this year it’s a week all inclusive resort in Greece then back home for 3 weeks and then goes away with us.

why should adult children stop going on holiday with their parents if everyone enjoys it.

JayEmAye
If she's paying out of her own pocket then you will have to just suck it up and when you get to your destination then allow yourself some breathing space
Their mum is a soft touch and they know this which is why they've come and gone as they pleased house-wise as and when they've fancied ( do they even pay housekeeping when they're there?) Whilst being
totally oblivious to any friction caused
But they're working adults so can afford to contribute but presumptively assume as mum's a such soft touch they'll never have to pay anything whilst taking constant advantage ALWAYS
Reading between the lines I'm thinking you've had enough of the way things are straw = camels back ??
So tell mum to ask them for reasonable payments towards your holiday and if they don't contribute they don't go
They can pick and pay fully for their own chosen destination then can't they??
Also when 'back home' its time they moved out for good; they're knowingly extracting pure urine and they know it

I don’t think many folk in their twenties would pay to go on a family holiday. Surely they’d prefer to go with friends or do something adventurous? I’d of gone on a family holiday if it was paid for but if it was my hard earned cash I’d of gone backpacking for a few weeks.

If I could afford to take grown DC away easily I would. As it stands DD1 (20) earns more than I do so when the two of us go away, she pays for herself. We will spilt most things 50/50 or I’ll treat her to the odd meal because she’s my baby!

How horrible for your wife and her children that you ‘largely tolerate’ their coming and going, surprised they want to go anywhere with you, let alone a holiday.

That might be your experience it's not mine.
I'm not buying their affection, I don't want them to feel grateful I don't expect anything from them in return, . We enjoy spending time with them and I'm pleased that they like spending time with us, we can afford to pay for them to come on holiday with us because we have more disposable income than they do. Surely it's the most natural thing in the world to want to help your children whatever age they are.
If we stopped doing it tomorrow it wouldn't have any impact on our relationship

I paid for myself when I went away with my dad a couple of years ago. I work full-time so I don't expect my dad to pay for me. YANBU.

My grown up daughters often join me on holidays abroad. They pay for themselves.

She might find they decline the invite if they have to pay. I’d have gone on a free holiday in my 20s but wouldn’t have spent my precious hard earned cash on a holiday with my parents at that age - I never earned enough for that.

Why are you partnered with someone whose children you clearly resent?

Would they still come with you if asked to pay? (Probably not. )

Probably because they’re not having to pay!

Wrong, if you read the full thread you would see that my children pay half of their holiday and have spending money and I pay the other half of the holiday.

And her finances are your business because.............?

OP hasn’t returned in 24 hours. And why the need to post a photo of the fancy looking pool and hotel?! 🤔

The big question is shared accounts of not ?
Nice of mum to pay if she wants to as her kids

but not if from join account as then you are paying as well and I’m guessing you are objecting at that @JayEmAye

how long have you been together ?

@JayEmAye

Since you haven't bothered to return and answer my questions, I think you have answered them. So I'll take the liberty of posting 'your' answers for you:

She is NOT paying out of joint funds, but out of her separate income/assets.

She WILL still be able to meet all financial obligations wrt agreed-upon joint expenses.

She WILL be 'subbing' them on the holiday and will NOT expect you to pay for meals, activities, etc.

Since she is paying all for them out of her funds, you cannot think of any negative impact on you.

If I have your answers wrong, please, do feel free to come back and correct my answers and explain where I have things wrong.