AIBU to expect adult stepchildren to contribute to family holiday costs?

[JayEmAye]

My darling partner wants to pay for her three adult children, all in their twenties and earning, to join yet another family holiday at no cost. They have lived at home for much of their adult lives despite limited space, coming and going as they please. I have largely tolerated this, but feel it is reasonable to set boundaries and expect some financial contribution before she books anything.

What's the financial situation?

If you have joint finances and are on a modest income trying to save for retirement, YANBU.

If you have plenty of money and can easily afford to have a big family holiday, YABU.

These are memories that they will have long after you are both gone.

It depends on age/etc. more context is needed.

My parents paid for me for a Las Vegas holiday when I was 20 and my sister was 24. There is no way I would have been able to pay for my place then. They also paid for little bits here and there throughout my 20s but by late 20s I was paying for it all. (Obviously it is different if you haven't the financial means). They were under the thinking of me being skint and not working full time yet and there were still the occasionally family trips. Las Vegas was the biggest and then they paid for a cruise as a birthday present.

Definitely family specific though. If you want them to pay, ask them to pay.

@JayEmAye

Are you going to give more context to this? Because the poll results aren't valid unless people know the facts behind the question.

Is this being paid out of joint funds or out of her separate income/assets?

If being paid out of her own finances, will your wife still be able to meet all financial obligations wrt agreed-upon joint expenses if she pays for them?

Will she be 'subbing' them on the holiday or will she expect you to pay for meals, activities, etc?

If she pays all for them out of her funds, what do you see as the 'negative impact' on you?

If you won't provide this information, then YABU by default.

If your "darling" partner is the one who is paying then that's her decision.

If it's being paid for out of your joint funds then you have a say.

@JayEmAye my DH hopes to always be able to pay for our DC to go on holiday + their future families. I think it won’t be possible tbh. Anyway, that’s blood. I don’t think he’d feel the same if they were just MY adult children but he’d let me anyway causing no fuss.

I have voted YABU because of the use of “coming and going as they please” (what else would be the case in a family home?) and “tolerate” (sounds resentful/ inappropriate in relation to your wife’s children). You sound as if you don’t like their company, in which case book a separate holiday alone with your wife and let your wife get on with her family time. I think that as a general principle, there is nothing wrong with treating adult children to a holiday and I have done it myself a few times when I had a windfall and could afford it.

Advance Search is your friend. OP has form for resenting the very existence of his DSC…

I expect to contribute towards my daughter joining us on holiday during those early years.

1. she won’t be able to afford many holidays in her 20s. She also needs to travel without her parents. If I want to be included in the rotation more frequently, I am willing to pay.
2. She won’t have the budget to travel the way I want to travel. I don’t want to step down to budget holidays again.
3. i know I am raising her right. There was a moment where I felt a huge source of pride to decline financial help and even start treating my parents from time to time. I trust she will seek the same personal validation.

I pay for my teen/adult DC to come on holiday with us and don't see the issue. Much as they like coming away, chances are they might rather use their money & holiday allowance to go away with friends or partners but as I like them coming, I keep paying. If I didn't want them to come I'd soon stop!

This thread just shows how many people baby their adult children. They're not 19 and at uni, they're in their twenties and working, living at home, so have a disposable income.

Time to treat adults as adults.

Is it? Perhaps this is how people seem to afford to go on holiday every year when we couldn't afford this kind of trip.

It never occurred to me that parents would pay for adult children beyond say university.

Her money, her choice. My DC are 'adult', i.e over 18. I pay for them to come on holiday with us if they wish. My philosophy is you're only here for a short time and if I want to spend my money, with people I love, doing things we love, i'm going to do it!

It's up to her if she invites her kids on holiday at her own expense, isn't it? Weird to try to define it as 'setting boundaries' unless you're being expected to contribute.

Yes, when you say "for much of their adult lives" OP, that sits awkwardly with the fact you also say they are in their twenties

Cost of living and property ladder struggles mean being at home at this age isn;t actually that weird. I thought, when you used the phrase "most of their adult lives," they were going to be in their fifties or something.😂

To be honest, you sound to me a bit intolerant of them being around when their bio parent would like them there, which is never a great way to conduct a step parent role. There's a time to think about these issues and it's before you move into their family.

It's also fine to treat family as family.

I expect my dc will be saving for other things in their twenties and DH and I will be more than happy to pay if they still want to come on holiday with their parents. Why shouldn't a parent be allowed if they can afford it and it enhances the holiday for them.

This.
I want my adult children there with me. I'm happy to pay for them as I know they can't prioritise the holiday.

If your finances are separate to your partners its up to her how she spends he money . If your finances are joint then you need to discuss what you spend your joint money on and reach a decision together.
I pay for a family holiday once a year with my adult children, something i choose to do as its a family tradition i really enjoy and i promised my late husband id continue the tradition as long as i was able and they wanted to.
If Its your partners money and choice YABU.
if its your money being used and its not your choice YANBU.

OP doesn't actually say they aren't at uni. I don't suppose all three of them are, but the information given could absolutely cover full time study plus a few hours a week in a bar or supermarket. There's nothing given about hours worked or earnings. The wording was vague, which makes me suspicious.

I’m a high earner, married, own my own home and my parents still pay for me and DH to go on holiday with them every year. It’s not how we’d prioritise our own spending, and my parents enjoy having us all together so they pay so that we all go.

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. Your partner might want the whole family to be there and she can’t dictate how they spend their money.

🎯

It also makes sense because it allows them to have more of a say about the holiday, like if they prefer a specific resort or location or whatever. As a general rule, you'll have most agency over holiday choices when you're funding it. I can see why an adult would choose to pay for that.

We have paid for our adult children and their children to holiday with us. Because we enjoy their company and money is tight for them and we invited them to come with us
It sounds as though you only tolerate your step children and that that is a struggle.
Whether your partner is unreasonable or not depends on where the money for the holiday is coming from. If she is paying and household money isn't tight then it's up to her and you are being unreasonable. If she is expecting you to contribute then you are not being unreasonable.

You've "largely tolerated" your wife's children - what a man!

Yeah that set my teeth right on edge.

I wouldn't expect anybody in their 20s to spend their own money holidaying with siblings, mum and stepdad/mum's boyfriend.

So... if mum wants them to holiday together, she has to pay.

Otherwise, surely they'd go on a holiday more suited to 20-somethings, whether that's backpacking in Asia, adventure sports, or partying/clubbing... with their mates or their partners or looking to meet new mates or partners... not hanging out with siblings and parents.