AIBU to expect adult stepchildren to contribute to family holiday costs?

[JayEmAye]

My darling partner wants to pay for her three adult children, all in their twenties and earning, to join yet another family holiday at no cost. They have lived at home for much of their adult lives despite limited space, coming and going as they please. I have largely tolerated this, but feel it is reasonable to set boundaries and expect some financial contribution before she books anything.

What ages are they? Time for them to move out too?

If she’s paying for it out of her own money then yabu.
If it’s coming out of joint money then yanbu.

Largely tolerated? Do you mean compromised?

Can you give a bit more context?

If she pays out of her own money, you can only advise but she can do as she pleases with her money at the end of the day. It’s beyond your control

Are you spouses or partners....?

If finances arent combined its simple... they want the kids to go free - they pay its their business.

If its joint its trickier.

Adult children generally dont want / cant afford to drop 3k on a week somewhere despite "earning".

I would say some kind of contribution (they pay for own flights and each one takes the family out for a meal 1 night) would be fair / nice

Alternatively you stay home and let her enjoy a holiday with the kids

I’ve paid for dd to come on holiday every year with us and she is 22. This year her boyfriend is coming and I’ve asked that they pay half the price and I’ll pay the other half. They are both students finishing their final year so not earning big money …..yet!

We still take adult DSC on holiday and never expect a contribution. The pleasure of extended time with them is worth the financial cost. Sad it’s not the same for you.

Her kids and her money, so it's up to her.

@CallingOnTheMegaphone
The op hasn't said whether the partner is paying for it from her own money or from their shared money.

All depends on the money obviously, is it hers or joint?

It depends. If they are paying for their own trip they might not choose to go away with their mum, they'd probably prefer to go away with friends.
If its free then they'll probably be happy to come. So it depends how much your partner wants a holiday with her children.
If it's something she really wants i can completely understand why she would also want to cover the costs.

If it’s not your money, it’s not your place to have an opinion on it. You can decide not to go if you don’t want to spend time with them.

In my 20s my parents brought us on so many family holidays. Which we loved and have great memories of.
I will do the same for my children when they are adults.
it’s your partners children and if it’s your partners money then it’s not your decision really
you could always not go yourself

I think it’s quite normal for parents to still pay for young adult children to go on family holidays, assuming the parents aren’t skint. I know someone who takes their entire family on holiday every year (three adult children in their 30s, their spouses and 4 grandchildren).

Now realistically, it’s probably time for them all to start moving in the direction of a flatshare and independent living rather than living at home, assuming the children are past uni age and working. I think the holiday is a bit of a red herring really.

Who is paying for the holiday? And whose house is it?

My inlaws just paid for us to come on holiday with them and we are in our 40s. That doesn't mean we can afford the sort of holiday they enjoy though and they really wanted us (well, our kids anyway) to come with them so it was a gift to us. They can easily afford it so I guess it comes down to a money conversation and whose money it is and what the financial situation is for the two of you.

More context needed, however, I believe it's not your call, bar your darling partner using your own money.
Then it would be.

If it’s not shared money then it’s up to her. If it is shared then maybe a compromise and you pay half and they fund the other half. Though You’ll probably find they’re not as interested in holidaying with parents if they have to cough up anything as they’d probably rather go alone if paying towards it anyway. Im guessing that’s why she always pays in full.

It depends which pot of money the holiday is being paid from. If it’s hers, then there’s not much you can do.

Sounds like the adult kids need to spread their wings and move out?

I paid for my son and his partner to come on holiday with me and my DH last year
if it’s her money I can’t see what the problem is

Exactly this. Mine can come as long as they want to.
We holiday without them as well.
If it's about money and you want a holiday without them and can't afford it that's different.

Is that you dp? you changed sons to daughters so I wouldn't recognise it?
Yes I will continue to do this, you don't have to come, you know!!! 😂

@Weeelokthen · Today 10:19
Is that you dp? you changed sons to daughters so I wouldn't recognise it?
Yes I will continue to do this, you don't have to come, you know!!! 😂

I can't see any mention of sons or daughters - just 'adult stepchildren'.

My in-laws often pay for us all to go on holiday with them, we wouldn’t choose a cruise but they Love them and we love spending time with them, they also take the 5 young adult grandchildren away. They want us to enjoy their financial stability with them and they can afford it.
you are being unreasonable if it’s her money.

Similar situation here - in which I am the mum. I will always pay for the family week. Other trips, we may share costs but the family holiday is a special tradition.