AIBU to expect adult stepchildren to contribute to family holiday costs?

[JayEmAye]

My darling partner wants to pay for her three adult children, all in their twenties and earning, to join yet another family holiday at no cost. They have lived at home for much of their adult lives despite limited space, coming and going as they please. I have largely tolerated this, but feel it is reasonable to set boundaries and expect some financial contribution before she books anything.

Her money, her choice, your money your choice. That said I don't think I'd be housing them and taking them on holiday, one of the other, but that's what I'd do with my money.

*otherwise not other times

I'm sorry if your family isn't close enough to enjoy spending time together but lots are.
As MN would say, it's an invitation not a summons, and it's not the only holiday either parents or adult DC take.

Let her go with them and without you if you can't tolerate it any more. As long as it's her money, it's her call. You only have control over your own money and choices.

My Dad paid for me and my brother to come on holiday when we were in our twenties. We were both working but didn’t make much. My dad could afford it, and we wouldn’t have been able to pay for ourselves.

If you can afford it why not?! Spending quality time together as a family is a lovely part of holidays, everyone relaxed and with no other commitments, and while they are still happy to travel with their mum and it adds to her enjoyment of the holiday I think it’s a bit sad to begrudge it. Plus if they are saving what money they can it will help them get on the property ladder etc. I’d love to think I’ll be close enough with my girls when they’re that age that they’ll want to spend their limited annual leave with me whether I’m paying or not.

We often treat our kids to a holiday or weekend away. The difference is that my husband is their father and loves them as much as I do.

My answer will depend on whether or not your money is involved.

If it isn’t, it’s none of your business.

Depends if it's your money or just hers.
If hers, absolutely nothing to do with you.

YABU. Her kids, her choice… you sound a bit resentful tbh

I take my adult children and grandchildren (and sometimes nieces and nephews!) away because I thoroughly enjoy their company and appreciate the time they spend with me. I see that as a good way to spend my money. I'd rather they spend their money doing things with their friends.

Life is too short and time too precious.

I agree that it’s probably you that shouldn’t be going on the holiday @JayEmAye seeing as you can barely tolerate your DSC and resent them.

wanted to add that I see so often kids lives’ being impacted by their parents separations. As children obviously but even as adults the impact continues in smaller (?) ways such as this. If their parents were still together; there would be zero issue and the kids would be able to come on holiday and everyone would enjoy it. It’s always the step parent who draws a line inside a new family group and refuses ‘the kids’ (even as adults) things or situations that would be enjoyable or beneficial; things that are completely normal in a family group. I think if you choose to marry someone with children, whatever age, you have to put yourself in the shoes of their biological parent and take the same perspective as their biological parent; for the entirety of their lives.

I count myself very lucky that my older teenagers still want to come on holiday with us tbh. And am happy to pay for the privilege

Obviously we've assumed it's a man posting so we can stick the boot in.

The response if it was the other way round is that these 'children' are taking the mick, and that adult children don't want to go on holiday with their parents unless they are being bribed/paid for ..whichever wording you wish to use.

Good luck on them moving out any time soon if they are indulged in this way on a day to day basis.

Can your partner afford to pay for her kids without affecting home finances?

Do you have a kid/s with your partner, and are they affected?

Do you have kids from another partner and you can’t afford the same luxury for them?

She knows if she doesn't pay then they won't go

Do your three SDC look forward to going on holiday with someone who "largely tolerates" them.

If they are early 20s and couldn't afford to leave home for some time, despite entry level jobs, they probably don't have the cash to afford a big family holiday.

We pay for our DC, even the ones with jobs, because they have different financial issues and we want to treat them equally but most of all because we really want to see them altogether and we are grateful they give up some precious annual leave to come with us when they have more exciting things to do. I love the fact that we are all together and I think its a really important time. I know it won't last forever either.

Your partner clearly does want to spend time with them, particularly since they have now flown the nest, and it would make her happy.
It seems that you don't really want to go on holiday with them.

She should probably go on holiday with them herself.

Even in close families, twenties usually want to holiday with friends or.partners, except maybe a golf break with Dad or weekend Spa break with mum
Are they single and introverts?

My apologies 😳

I agree with you in principle. My DC have paid for or towards the family holidays they wanted to go on since they could afford to. Personally I think its a good way of sorting whether they are coming along as enthusiastic companions or just dragging along for the feebie.
That said, your post sounds rather resentful of them in general. If you'd actually prefer them to pay rent/move out/not holiday with you anymore, then this is what you need to be talking to your wife about rather than hiding a whole bunch of resentment behind a single issue.

My kids are 23 and 18 and I still take them on holidays. Both at uni so not earning and even if they were, if I could afford to then I will. They pay for their own activities or any spending of their own out there if they choose to hire quad bikes or boats etc but I cover flights and villa rental..if I couldn’t afford to, I would and they would be fine with that but while I can, I will. If it’s your money, then you have a say…if it’s your partner’s money, it’s not your place to control if she chooses to spend on her kids. My kids are my kids for life, not just till they’re 18…I’d rather spend my money on my kids (grandkids too one day hopefully!) than leave it for the inheritance tax man to get if I die!

Step parent here, we might pay for the accommodation for the family and they pay their flights, in the past we have paid both. Now there are grandchildren it is a joy to have a week together,

This.