Ex disputing CMS and making rival Child Benefit claim in 50/50 care

[fixatedplanet]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with this and could do with some advice.

We’ve had a proper 50/50 week-on/week-off arrangement for the last 4.5 years. The boys (14 and 11) split their time equally between us week on/week off and we’ve always split the costs of shared things 50/50. He does his bit when they’re with him and I do mine. It has been working fine but....

The issue is income. I earn around £60k and he earns well over the £156k threshold. Because of that, even though it’s 50/50, I applied to CMS for child maintenance so he pays his fair share (it comes out at the maximum rate, around £800 a month which is a 50% discount as he has them 7 nights out of 14). I thought that was reasonable as his salary is much higher and he should pay more than half.

He immediately challenged it with a Mandatory Reconsideration, which was rejected because I receive the Child Benefit (he gave it up due to the high income charge and then during divorce said I could have it which only seemed fair). Now he’s put in a rival Child Benefit claim for one of the children AND lodged a tribunal appeal with the CMS. He’s basically trying to get out of paying anything through CMS and I could lose some of the child benefit now!!!

We are completely 50/50. He does everything on his time and I do everything on mine. But because he earns more, he should contribute more and CMS should sort this I would have thought, I should not have to go to a tribunal.I have started to gather evidence to try and show that I do more so it gives me a good chance at the tribunal and I guess he is doing the same now. I am going to get a barrister to help out at the tribunal to try and prove I do more but he does stuff too so not sure if that will help me.

I’m worried he might actually get the Child Benefit (even though he can’t claim it himself because of the high income charge) and that the tribunal might side with him. Does he have any chance of winning that? It just doesn’t feel fair because he earns much more than me even though we share all the care equally. He did offer to cover all of the shared costs but I have said no and decided to go down the CMS route as that will be more money than simply covering the shared costs.

Has anyone been through this? Can he really do the rival Child Benefit thing and what are his chances? I guess he has lots of evidence to show that we share care equally and have done for several years but he cannot even claim it so I would miss out! And what are the chances at tribunal? Surely they will see my side of things? He has started to pay me the £800 a month now so I have had a few months payment so far so that is good at least but I am worried I might lose it or be told to give it back.

Thanks in advance.

And your posts say a lot about your own experience which may or may not be the same as the OPs so it is not worth projecting. There is a poster with almost the exact experience who has come on to give advice after having a very similar thread last year and she has warned OP about the likely outcome

So, you do as the OP is doing (and the other unfortunate woman in the other thread) and take him to court to order him to pay more and end up with nothing. Sweet FA. Sometimes it pays to know when you're on to a good thing and not push your luck.

And how is pushing to the point of him losing all good will toward the OP and now having one of the CB payments (so the Op is £77ish a month down already) which will allow him to go to tribunal and have it legally declared that he doesn’t have to pay the OP anything remotely a better position than the current one she had?

@Haystackhunting would your opinion change if the father was earning £60k and took the mother to court for a greater share of childcare costs, despite the mother actually already contributing more in a 50/50 care arrangement?

If I had my time again, I would’ve just give them The kids walk away and have them every other weekend.
You get no thanks for being the poor bastard that has to raise them

No thanks maybe, but you do get to spend all that time with your kids.

If thanks is more important than time with your kids then that would be the best solution all round.

Yeah doing the grind and grunt work which the other parent has the fun bit. I fully understand the PP point

So what?
Balance that with having an unhindered career and unhindered social life you can go and make more children with other people. That’s what the non-resident parent usually does there’s no glory in it
And as you’ve read on here, other women are gunning for you to be in a worse situation
You can only imagine what the courts are like
Fuck it I say
I’ve seen too many women try to raise their children on the bread line only to have the ungrateful children throw it all back in their face and think that the sun shines out of the other parties’s arse
When they didn’t lift a finger to raise those children

Tbh anyone who feels they're a poor bastard who has to raise their kids and needs thanks for it has kids who are probably better of with the other parent anyway.

Sadly, my children probably would’ve been better off being raised by wolves than with the other parents so it was up to me to step up but I most definitely was the poor bastard
As are millions of women
But we must pretend that we’re enjoying every moment of the grinding bone aching work
And don’t forget to smile

Without getting into your situation the OP situation was 50/50 so both had time for careers and both had time with the kids

No one was on the breadline
Dad was fully involved in every way

Your post makes it clear your situation wasn't like this BUT OP situation was very equal in relation to child care. Child responsibility and child costs.

There you go. That's the difference here. Pops is doing 50% of the grunt work as well as contributing more than 50% financially.

@Haystackhunting sounds like you got the shitty end of the stick with your ex. :(

It goes deeper than that though it starts from the minute those children are conceived.
Appreciate nobody knows the ins and outs of other people’s marriages
And obviously you can only speak for your own experience
But why is he so financially far ahead of the mother of these children?
My experience and the experience of every woman I know is that he’s done that on the back of her domestic labour during the marriage and then expects to somehow magically even things up when he’s got a 10-15 year head start.
Again my experience is that 50-50 is never 50-50 for the other parent. Sometimes you’re doing 50-50 with another woman you’ve never met. Who standards may or might not align with yours.

Ridiculous, but you aren’t the only people that think it, as you say the courts agree with you

Which would be fair comment if the OP’s posts had remotely suggested that was the case. However, they have a 50/50 set up that sounds like genuine 50/50 so not the case here

You don’t have to pretend.

But it’s absolutely not the same for everyone and nothing the OP has said has suggested their situation is remotely similar to yours.

Like many many women.

I made it perfectly clear when I fell pregnant accidentally with DS that I would only continue with the pregnancy on the proviso that if we split up that it was HIM to had to take on the majority of childcare.

Id already spent a good few year bringing two kids up with No financial or practical support from my ex. Wasn't going to sign up for that again

Earnings can are impacted by gender. Gender pay gap is well known.

However, some people earn more than others. OP earns significantly higher than many men or women I know. And her income is significantly high than our household income.
So her ex earns more - if he wasn't less would that be unfair?

So many factors impact earning amounts.

I do admire you for updating, OP. I think that took guts.

I still don't really understand the issue. He was doing 50:50 and he offered to cover all shared costs, so I don't see how both the children and you weren't benefiting from his high income. But I'm late to this thread (though I've read all your posts). At any rate I hope it goes well for you all.

And the biggest impact if you’ve been doing your gender pay gap research is pregnancy.
So I’m not suggesting the ex has to make up for it for the rest of his life
But he should be doing everything possible to equalise things whilst they were married and now whilst they’re not
Of course, legally he’s not obliged to but he should. It’s like getting blood out of a stone though so I admire the OP even trying.
More people should
And less people should be putting obstacles in the way, even by way of shouting it down on Internet forums

parents shouldn’t be having children to get thanked.

The way I see it is that when I decided to have kids I took on the risk that I might have to do it alone. If my partner had died or left me or lost his job then was I prepared to do this? I was, so I went ahead with the pregnancy. I actually ended up leaving him because he was abusive and he was useless, and I did it all on my own without him. I didn’t get thanks I got time with my kids and a close bond that he doesn’t have. I’ve always been the winner.

@Haystackhunting tomorrow a high earner could lose their job and the income. Nothing is forever. Don’t spend your life bitter about money you didn’t have access to. It’s not worth your energy

Admiring the OP for shooting herself in the foot is quite bizarre.

much like the previous poster who ignored all warnings the OP is likely to end up financially worse off (already is due to the CB) - there’s nothing admirable in ignoring all advice (and CMS’s own literature) to your own detriment.

You have no idea. He offered to pay all shared costs in full. Mum claimed both CB without issue until she got gready and left dad with no option but to counterclaim.

I am assuming pregnancy was forced on the mum and was a joint decision. Men can't carry a pregnancy so while we have the current reproduction options there not much you can do to change pregnancy impact on work other than campaigning for better protection for females in the workplace

And pointing out how things work with CMS is not putting obstacles in the way, or shouting the OP down.

It’s giving good advice and pointing out how the law works in circs like hers.

It would be ridiculous for people (especially myself and another poster who previously worked for CMS) to just say nothing, and downright foolish to encourage it when she’s going to be worse off.

The previous poster may not have lost her relationship with her children had she taken any heed to all the advice received.