Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

[laughloseya]

We got the news a couple of weeks ago that a colleague’s wife is terminally ill. Their daughter is only 23. It is so awful and I can’t stop thinking about them.

I was talking to another colleague about the situation. We are all good friends as well as colleagues and have been for many years, so know the family well. The colleague I was speaking to agreed it was awful and said she knew how they felt because she’d lost her father in her 40s. I lost my mother in my 30s and I said it wasn’t the same as being 23, and that our parents had both died suddenly, we didn’t have to endure watching it happen slowly. She immediately said ‘my uncle died slowly in my 20s, I know exactly what they’re going through’.

And then another colleague mentioned yesterday that she also knew exactly what the family was going through because her grandad had cancer in his 70s.

I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy.

People are empathising.

It’s not up to you to decide what sort of death is easier than another.

Don’t be ridiculous. We’ve been told that a woman we’ve known for years, decades for some people, is dying. Of course we are going to talk about it, we are all in shock.

I think people often don’t really know what to say so they just say something. I also think trying to rank grief isn’t particularly helpful either.

I lost both my parents very suddenly in my early twenties…I would very much have preferred to have had even a little time. The shock of the second one turned my hair white overnight.

Maybe don’t rank any grief, any loss. It feels horribly dismissive. It’s all unique.

I lost a parent at 13. I’d much rather have been 23.

They are empathising not downplaying

but agree a 70 yr old dying is not same as a 23 losing mum

but id not overthink it put energy into support the fsmily

Saying you know what a 23 year old who’s been told her mother is going to die soon is going through when you have never experienced that isn’t empathising. It’s trying to attention seek.

Who made you the arbiter of other people's grief?

Yes, you can't rank it at all. My friend was 45 and pregnant for the first time when she lost her mum-does that make her situation worse or better? Some people have lots of friends and family to support them, some have a couple of family members who are supportive, some have huge families who don't help them when they're grieving at all. Some have additional learning or health needs-it's not for anyone else to try to rank which is better, or worse.

Of course you would. I think we all know that it’s better to be in your 40s than 50s too.

I find it strange that you seem to think certain deaths are "easier" than others. I think it's very individual - for example my mum was way closer to her gran than either of her parents, and was more upset when her gran died than when her parents did.

I'm also not an animal person but some people genuinely grief a dog dying - personally I think that's ridiculous, but everyone experiences grief differently and I think it's a bit strange when others chime in with their own experiences of grief to say "no you don't understand because your grief wasn't as bad". There isn't a ranking system for grief

I think they are trying to display some kind of empathy for the situation.
sadly I had more than a few school friends who lost parents in early/mid teen kind of age.

I don’t think it matters what age you lose a parent or close family member, you aren’t equipped to deal with it till it happens

Losing parents suddenly at whatever age is equally horrific but in a different way. No time to prepare, get your head around things, say goodbye. It's bloody traumatic.

Fucking Hell can people not read?

I didn’t say that. Honestly comprehension on this forum gets worse by the day.

It is definitely different.

What do you want people to say if you're not going to stop gossiping about another family's situation?

You seem to have appointed yourself as some kind of gatekeeper of what people are allowed to say, so why not just dish out a script of what you find acceptable rather than making other people feel like shit for not empathising in a way you deem appropriate.

I agree. I lost my dad at 17, doesn’t give me the right to pronounce that my loss was worse than anyone losing their father at any age.

I can read you deciding a hierarchy

"The colleague I was speaking to agreed it was awful and said she knew how they felt because she’d lost her father in her 40s. I lost my mother in my 30s and I said it wasn’t the same as being 23"

This is exactly what you're saying here: your colleague doesn't understand because her situation wasn't as bad

I lost mine at 8, I think that makes me the winner.

What a repulsive thread.

I honestly think talking about people expressing shock and horror that a woman they’ve known for years, and whose husband they are close to, is dying as ‘gossip’ is sickening. Have a word with yourself.

Why are you even worrying about this ? It’s a very minor issue

Attention seeking from whom? Why would they need to seek attention from you about this?

I lost my Dad when I was 23, but that is a coarse barometer of whether 'it's terrible' or not.
My relationship with my Dad was great, so I had 23 years amazing years of love, care, and quality. I'm in my mid 50s now and some people I know are a similar age, but couldn't say they'd had anywhere near that long in a good relationship with their parents.

Which is worse? A good relationship for a shorter time or a poor relationship for longer? Some people will never experienced a relationship like I had with my Dad - that makes me lucky for having what I had.