Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

[laughloseya]

We got the news a couple of weeks ago that a colleague’s wife is terminally ill. Their daughter is only 23. It is so awful and I can’t stop thinking about them.

I was talking to another colleague about the situation. We are all good friends as well as colleagues and have been for many years, so know the family well. The colleague I was speaking to agreed it was awful and said she knew how they felt because she’d lost her father in her 40s. I lost my mother in my 30s and I said it wasn’t the same as being 23, and that our parents had both died suddenly, we didn’t have to endure watching it happen slowly. She immediately said ‘my uncle died slowly in my 20s, I know exactly what they’re going through’.

And then another colleague mentioned yesterday that she also knew exactly what the family was going through because her grandad had cancer in his 70s.

I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy.

You can’t compare or measure grief, you’re being very unreasonable OP. Focus on supporting your colleague and that’s it.

And perhaps whe was extremely close to her grandparent some people are closer to their grandparents than to their parents.

What?! You wouldn’t want to say goodbye to your mother/father/sister? That is by far the strangest thing on this thread.
A very close relative of mine is dying slowly. The closest person to me by a long way. We speak daily. Multiple times a day and my biggest fear is her dying without me being able to say goodbye

I don’t know why you keep saying hierarchy. I don’t think I miss my mother more than this young woman will. I do think I have no idea what it is like to be told your mother is going to die in your early 20s. I don’t know what’s hard to grasp about this.

You sound like you’re projecting, why so invested? Yes it’s very sad and by all means empathise, but there’s no need to get angry that other people don’t react the way you think they ought to. You’re not the grief police.

Have a word with YOURself! You're the one posting in an internet site, about the bad news if a family you claim to be close to & a colleague who didn't say exactly the right thing, who was just showing some empathy when out on the spot by the office judgey pants..

I could post losses to see where you think they fit in your weird grief scheme, but they are unique to me & I don't actually give a fuck what you think about how I should feel about each one.

I agree.

Exactly. No idea why they’re insistent upon saying that they ‘know how they feel’.

Everyone's grief is personal to themselves. There is no ranking system.
There isnt a league table of who's grief is worse than someone elses
YAUBVU

No, I wouldn’t. I am grateful I never had to do that with my mother. Everyone is different.

This is one of those times people criticise something about others but can't see they are actually just as bad.

She wasn’t.

We found that when my parent-in-laws passed away, that other people mentioned their experiences. We were never sure whether they were trying to be empathetic , or whether it was a why if offloading their grief. For most parts, I don’t think it was grief top trumps.

Seriously can people not read? What did I actually say? I said we had not been through what this young woman is going through.

My DF lost her Mum at 23. She went from having a carefree time travelling in Asia on a gap year to a terminal cancer diagnosis 2 weeks after she got home. Less than a month later she was gone and she was supporting her Dad through the related administration of the death and estate whilst moving to a new city to begin her graduate job as there was no flexibility in her start date. It was absolutely brutal and I think changed her forever.

I’ve had my fair share on cancer experiences in the family. Lost 3/4 grandparents and dMum had breast cancer but later got an all clear. It’s been hard in it’s own way but I would never ever dream of comparing it to DFriend’s experience. The shock and intensity of it was completely brutal and decades later I still see the impact.

Now now dear.

I've read and understood everything up to this point and disagreed with everything you've written.

You seem adamant that you're one of the rare few blessed with the ability to treat other people's tragedies in an appropriately sensitive way.

Good for you OP. Well done.

I don’t understand it at all. The last thing I thought when I was to told was that I’d also been through the same because my mother had died, because I haven’t at all.

My clousin and I were joined at the hip from day one.
She was a flake.
I was a rock.
I’m thinking she was the only real narcissist I ever met in my life, and I’m thinking her mum made her that way.
The minute she graduated high school, she left town.
I went to uni close to home and worked close to home.
At one point, she even left the country.
But we always picked right up where we left off. We talked but we didn’t have to talk.
She came to me once and said “I have breast cancer.”
For the first and only time in my life, I panicked - because life without her was unimaginable.

”Are you gonna did?”
”Everybody dies, Dream.”

We lost her and my life has never been the same.
There has not been one single solitary day since 2005 that iI have not thought about her.

It sucks when somebody you love dies.
Age doesn’t matter.

I wish cancer got cancer and died.

Yes, absolutely this. Is it just brutal.

I don’t think people mean it in an unkind way, I think they are trying to relate and express that they sympathise with your colleagues family. I wouldn’t take this badly if it were me. However if someone compared the loss of a pet then I might start to get annoyed (and I say that as someone who has pets who I care for dearly).

But my kids lost their dad aged 6 and 9 so I can’t feel the same kind of empathy for someone in their 20s. My point is it is all relative and people deal with grief different. That uncle you said of your college could have been a father figure to her. I don’t know why you seem to think it matters just let people be.

Me too and the parent was only 40.

If we are comparing how bad the impact of a parent's death is depending on the age of the child, would it also be affected by the age of the parent? For example, is it worse for a 23 year old to lose a parent who is only 45, than if they were 65, which is still younger than average, but not young?

So why make a bloody thread about it then? If you’re so certain that you’re right to be disgusted at their attempts at empathy and compassion, why come on here? You alright know you’re right, right?

The vast, vast majority of posters are telling you that you’re wrong. That grief can be just as difficult and devastating irrespective of age and relation. You seem incapable of grasping that. So, please, if you’re not going to even briefly reconsider your position on this then just fuck off. It’s as infuriating as it is embarrassing now.

And for heaven’s sake stop talking about this poor woman at work. Allow her some dignity.

Sorry for your loss.

I do think age absolutely does matter though.

He wasn’t. She just seemed to need to make it about her experiences.