Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

[laughloseya]

We got the news a couple of weeks ago that a colleague’s wife is terminally ill. Their daughter is only 23. It is so awful and I can’t stop thinking about them.

I was talking to another colleague about the situation. We are all good friends as well as colleagues and have been for many years, so know the family well. The colleague I was speaking to agreed it was awful and said she knew how they felt because she’d lost her father in her 40s. I lost my mother in my 30s and I said it wasn’t the same as being 23, and that our parents had both died suddenly, we didn’t have to endure watching it happen slowly. She immediately said ‘my uncle died slowly in my 20s, I know exactly what they’re going through’.

And then another colleague mentioned yesterday that she also knew exactly what the family was going through because her grandad had cancer in his 70s.

I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy.

I agree with you. A 23 old losing their mum slowly is not the same as an uncle or grandparent.

I think you're being unnecessarily prescriptive about this, OP, speaking as someone who lost her father at 20. They're calling on their experience of grief to help them empathise. I don't think that's terrible.

Yeah that's frustrating. People shouldn't compare experiences when it comes to grief, no two journeys are the same. Seeing people suffer is awful, but so is the shock of losing someone suddenly, there are no winners.

Why are you trying to rank other people's experience of grief? What do you want people to say in this situation, they said it's awful and showed empathy.

Our parents both died suddenly, we don’t have to endure watching it happen slowly

I don’t think there’s any benefit in trying to weigh what kind of death of a parent is less awful. I certainly don’t think you should have suggested to someone else that because their parent died suddenly it was easier.

I mean, OP, have you lost a parent in your 40s or 50s? How do you know whether it's better or worse? Even if you did, why would that entitle you to generalise your experience to everyone? I've lost a parent at 20 and a parent at 48 and I would say that they are just very different very sad experiences. I think you might be in danger of doing the thing you're criticising them for doing.

Their and my experiences are awful. But they’re not remotely the same.

@Purpleturtle45
You have expressed what I wanted to say really well.

The loss isn’t easier, but we were both spared watching them die slowly. And we weren’t 23.

I lost my mum in my late 20's to a long terminal illness. I'll always be grateful that it wasnt a sudden death and we had time to prepare and say goodbye. I'm not comparing but I'm perhaps just pointing out that you are using your own experience to judge hers as worse so in effect everyone is looking at this from their own personal perspective. You do lose your parents - its a sad fact of life - but it happens to most people ( in the normal cycle of life). She'll be ok.

It's not a competition.

TBH you introduced the idea that this poor girl had it worse than your colleague or yourself. It is very unhelpful to start ranking people's experience of grief.
My mum died slowly while I was in my twenties and it would have been just as terrible if I had been in my thirties. I lost all my grandparents in my teens and only seriously grieved for one of them. Circumstances are so different.

I ageee with you @laughloseya It’s going to be very difficult for that young woman.
I Think you might (I don’t know if you definitely do, obviously) feel things very keenly. I know I do - I’m just not very good at letting things wash over me. Do you think this might be the case with you?

This sounds more patronising than intended ..

I lost my mother two years ago in my 30s. I can safely say that I’d take 30s over 23, and certainly wish I had been in my 50s.

It’s akin to how I feel when I tell people about my parent who has rapid early onset dementia and they answer with “oh I know exactly what that’s like, my grandparent had it”. Not remotely the same. It’s just making it about them.

I think it’s actually awful of you to say anything to a colleague that expresses the view “at least our parents died suddenly”. And then to criticise others for minimising.

I think people are just trying to relate. It's what humans do, even if it's clumsy at times.

This is very interesting. I’ve always been grateful that I didn’t have to watch my mother suffer, and had never considered it your way. Perhaps we are naturally built to try and look for the best in situations.

I would still never express that I know what you’ve gone through though, because I don’t.

That’s exactly what I’m saying. There is no need to clamour to say your own situation was just as bad and so you know what they’re going through. You don’t.

Maybe, I’m not sure.

Yes, it’s exactly this.

A loss is a loss. It doesn’t matter how old or whether slow or suddenly. I mourn my mum who died suddenly when I was 8 days old as much as my dad who died slowly when I was 39.

I know what you're saying OP. My late DH died literally out of the blue, in front of me, at the age of 47. Shortly afterwards I bumped into an old acquaintance in the supermarket. She asked after my husband and I told her he had died suddenly (not all the gory details obviously). And she immediately said that she knew just what I was going through because her mum had died the previous year. Her mum was 93 and died peacefully at home. She then told me what a rock her husband had been whilst she was grieving. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that my "rock" had died.

That’s not what happened though, is it?

Maybe stop gossiping about their situation, and people wouldn't need to think of anything to say back to you.

If you start a conversation people will naturally chime in with their own experiences, and it's a bit of a dick move to tell them their loss isn't as bad.