Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

[laughloseya]

We got the news a couple of weeks ago that a colleague’s wife is terminally ill. Their daughter is only 23. It is so awful and I can’t stop thinking about them.

I was talking to another colleague about the situation. We are all good friends as well as colleagues and have been for many years, so know the family well. The colleague I was speaking to agreed it was awful and said she knew how they felt because she’d lost her father in her 40s. I lost my mother in my 30s and I said it wasn’t the same as being 23, and that our parents had both died suddenly, we didn’t have to endure watching it happen slowly. She immediately said ‘my uncle died slowly in my 20s, I know exactly what they’re going through’.

And then another colleague mentioned yesterday that she also knew exactly what the family was going through because her grandad had cancer in his 70s.

I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy.

People were trying to empathise and say that they know (some) of what this person may be going through now (colleague who lost someone to extended illness) or may go through when their mother dies.

None of it will match the individual current experience and future grief of your colleague or their daughter.

Whatever you meant in the way you said it, the comes across to me not as “none of us can know what this individual will experience so we shouldn’t compare” but more “losing a parent when you are older or losing an uncle isn’t as painful as what a 23 year old with a mother with terminal illness will experience, thus downplaying.

My oldest friend is terminally ill. Her daughter is a young teenager. It’s completely unbearable to be honest.
So I hear you OP.

This. People can only call on their own experience . Stop policing them.

I had to watch my dad die slowly of cancer when I was 12 - 15. Yes it's awful. Other people can't make it better and I don't think ranking grief helps anyone.

Nothing is comparable to anothers grief. I lost my darling nana aged 91 , she was more like my mother, I'll never get over it, yet I've lost people who would be deemed closer to me and not felt the pain I did when I lost my beautiful nana. Stop comparing others grief for goodness sake!

People often mention their own experience just to show that they can relate and understand. Of course none of us knows what the other has gone through but having similar experience does help. It’s not like only people experienced very similar circumstances have a say, it doesnt work like this because you don’t know all circumstances.
Even siblings can feel very differently - when my Dad died my sibling and I had absolutely different feelings, it’s like we were talking about different people. My sibling is still grieving and upset more than 2 years later. I’m not.

Exactly.

Yup

It's what people do. They find some kind of connection to try to deal with the news they've been given.

My daughters were 20 and 22 when they helped me nurse their dad through his terminal cancer, to his death at home, with the three of us sitting with him and and sharing happy memories as he slipped away. I'm glad we had that time. I can't imagine losing someone suddenly, and not having time to say goodbye, or all the other things that one wants to say.

Did people say things that were a bit daft, during the period when he was ill? Yes, but apart from one spectacularly crass comment at a different level, it didn't bother me. I didn't have the head space to be offended, and I recognised that people were doing their best.

I get your irritation, but it really isn't worth dwelling on. People are imperfect.

People can be ‘clumsy’ with their choice of words often because they don’t know what to say and the reality of death is hard to face and depressing.

They’re grief vultures 🤷‍♀️

I used to think people just did this because they wanted the person to feel supported, and didn’t know what to say so they tied it to their own experience; I don’t think that anymore! The things I’ve heard and seen from people who do this have been… grotesque, in my opinion.

I just fell out with someone I thought was a good friend last week because his FORMER father in law died (he wasn’t speaking to his former FIL, and isn’t even on speaking terms with his ex-wife). But he said it’s “really hit him hard.” When I questioned this, he actually said, “I’m an empath, okay? I feel the pain of the whole family!”

I mean, what can you even say to someone who is that self-centred about grief that isn’t even theirs?

You're the problem here. Why are you comparing people's grief? Why are you talking about and posting about another families tragedy?

Thank you.

Maybe age does matter - the longer you spend with somebody the harder it is to say g’bye. ❤️

Death sucks at any age and having to watch someone go through a severe illness and not be able to help is simply horrid.
It’s torture for them, but it’s torture for you, too.
And you matter. You’re left behind to pick up the pieces and go on without them - how do you manage when you’re 13?

My dad took his own life and I keep thinking about how alone he must’ve felt and how he thoughtt that was the only answer.
It just breaks my heart for him and all the people who take their own lives.

If I’m honest, my dad committing suicide was shocking.
But my cousin getting and then dying of breast cancer was far more shocking and affected the rest of my life.
And I was pretty old.

Agree.

Having seen both, although it’s horrible to see someone die slowly and become almost a shadow, in terms of processing grief, if you know someone is dying you can prepare yourself. A sudden death can be devastating. I really don’t think it is fair on your colleague to pronounce a judgment on how devastating you think THEIR bereavement was or wasn’t. It doesn’t make you more empathetic. If you want to support your dying colleague and her family you could do it privately and let others do things in their own way.

No two experiences will be exactly the same but it is human nature to use our own experience to help us understand what others might be going through.
I lost a parent in my teens and yes it was very difficult but I feel other people have had an equally difficult experience losing loved ones at different ages.
It is a horrible situation for your colleague and their daughter, but use your energy to help and support them rather than judging others because they didn't react with the exact words you would like. I really don't think it is "attention seeking" from your collegues, infact i think its very normal. It is not something you need to take so literally, people are just trying to empathise with a very difficult situation.

Exactly!!

It's not a competition more like empathy and solidarity, I think you are seeing it as a competition for reasons best known to yourself..

Aren't you shoe horning in your experience of your mother?

Definitely this

It’s not, it’s harder.
At least with a terminal illness you have time to prepare.

I never mentioned my mother in relation to this woman’s diagnosis, and nor would I.

"I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy."

And later you say such people are seeking attention, implying that essentially they are centralising themselves in another person's tragedy.

Yes, probably they are self-centred, but that reflects the fact that all they know is their own (limited) experiences.

Yes, it might seem banal and ridiculous that they compare the grief of losing a beloved pet or elderly grandpa to a 23 yo losing her mother. But to them, that is showing commiseration: they're saying, "I think I might understand your/their pain, because I went through similar."

What would you have them do? They don't know the suffering of a 23 yo losing her mother. But they're trying - dimly - to empathise.

And that should be acknowledged, or at least not dismissed as them "seeking attention".

I suggest the OP should stay away from any of the people actually involved in this ‘tragedy’ (actually a perfectly normal thing to happen) and count her own blessings. Or toes.

What’s that Bible verse? I know I’ll get it wrong.

You criticize the splinter im my eye and ignore the log in your own eye.

Or something like that.