Friend and visitors for future newborn

[Verytall]

I know that whether I think this is unreasonable or not its my friends choice, but I just wondered if anyone has navigated anything similar, or perhaps thought like this but then changed their minds?

A good friend of mine is pregnant with her first. We're part of a long-standing group of friends where we don't see each other as much as we've all moved around and she's about an hour away now, but I'd say we're still close. Most of us have slightly older children or chose not to have them, I only mention that for context we're used to maintaining friendships when kids have come along. Friend has had terrible luck with the pregnancy, has been very poorly. We've arranged to meet up several times with some others from the group but she's had to cancel each time (I've no doubt that's genuine)

Friend has asked again about meeting up and is now suggesting close to her due date. Given how hard her pregnancy has been (and still is) I suggested perhaps it might be a bit optimistic and we could wait till baby is here and then meet up. She said she wouldn't be able to see any of us for a few months otherwise. I thought at first she was worried about getting out with a newborn so I started talking about how we'd fit around her like we've done for others, eg go to her but not expect to host, could bring her some food round etc.

Friend explained that she meant she won't be seeing anyone for a few months - she doesn't want anyone around the baby until they've had their first few sets of jabs, so three or maybe four months. Until then, immediate family only.
I know it's become more common for people not to have visitors very early on, but this seems pretty extreme to me? Has anyone else come across this?

FWIW friend doesn't usually have any particular anxiety around health that I'm aware of, nor is there anything about our group that would make us risky (eg no anti vaxxers or local outbreaks of anything) I don't know if this idea was first hers or her DH's but I don't have any worries about him being controlling. I just find the idea a bit extreme! Im not wanting to cause her any additional stress so I'll go with her wishes, I am secretly hoping she'll change her mind at some point though!

Hah that's true!

I think it is getting more common to have a “bubble” now, but I also think lots of people change their minds once baby is here.

With my first baby I was quite set on having a few weeks just me, my husband and baby, had sort of pre-emptively told people we would want some space, would let people know when we were ready for visitors etc. The reality was that actually when my baby was here I really did want the people who loved us around me, it made the whole thing feel less scary and less lonely. BUT that’s something I couldn’t have imagined beforehand and I wouldn’t have been told otherwise😂

A few months sounds like a long time though. I know with my youngest (4 months old) we were sort of advised by midwives against too many visitors in the first few weeks due to germs etc but I’ve never heard of anyone who wanted a few months.

Leave her in peace after the baby arrives. Once she's healed up, established feeding and found her feet she may well be happy to catch up with you all.

Honestly I find this whole attitude bizarre - acting like you’re the first people in the world to have a baby, or that you’ve just birthed the son of god. How self important it all is and attention seeking.

Babies are part of families, be they the one you are born into, or one you have chosen for yourself and people do not live in isolation. All people want to do is celebrate your family and be useful, it’s hardly the crime of the century yet people act like it’s so unreasonable nowadays to want to hold someone’s baby even if you are that baby’s grandparent.

I agree with a pp that she will be sorely disappointed that in 4 months time everyone has lost interest.

I think some people nowadays seem to want a week or two before having visitors except immediate family. I actually think it's not a bad idea while you're recovering from the birth and establishing breastfeeding to not have a procession of visitors. When I had my first 35 years ago, we had a ton of aunties, uncles, siblings, great grandparents, grandparents, cousins, parents friends rocking up to see the baby and it was a bit much! I was glad to see my friends though, especially the ones who brought food and made the tea and offered to watch the baby while I had a bath! I think 3 or 4 months in isolation would be pretty lonely, the days are loooong when you're home looking after a baby! Hopefully she'll be open to seeing a few friends for brief visits after a few weeks.

Thanks all. I certainly wouldn't have expected to visit imminently, and I'm pretty sure she knows we'd abide by any requests (eg if she'd prefer not to pass baby around for cuddles) Ultimately if she does decide to wait that long I won't lose the friendship over it, hopefully it'll be something we can laugh about one day in the future! But I will keep in touch as I do worry that if she's married to this idea it could be quite isolating, once her DH is back at work. Although she's said immediate family can visit I don't think they're expecting a lot of family support really, so I'll make sure she knows that i'll respect her wishes but will be there for her whatever she decides.

Well each to their own. We had tons of visitors and went out to a busy restaurant second day home (got over that first breastfeeding in public that day). After that I went out most days at least for a good walk -even though I’m quite a homebody I would have gone mad. He’s now a healthy 22 year old!

I would have gone bonkers in a ‘newborn bubble’….I really needed the support of the new friends I made while pregnant and after the birth. (I had no family nearby and the baby’s father didn’t live with me so the bubble would have been just me!). But each to their own I guess. It’s a bit like having a very fixed birth plan, it often doesn’t quite work out like that in the end….

Whatever they think is best I suppose, but we were sat on the terrace of a restaurant with 4 day old DS, with random strangers coming to peer at him. I was excited to show him off, not to mention I’d have died of boredom holed up for days, never mind months.

I agree with this.
I knew 2 people one that wouldnt have any visits for the first 12 months, she was pissed off when no one wanted to really bond with the child.

Another was 6 months old before anyone could have a cuddle or get close yet with stricked rules, hand wash before and she would watch to make sure you did it, no kisses, all gifts had to be a gift card the list was long this went on for over a year.
Yet she got pissed off when people gave up, and said no to baby sitting,the grandparents had no bond what so ever, but did with the other grand kids, she hated it, but it was her own fault.

Totally her decision and not up to you to think anything of it. As you said she had difficulty getting pregnant/difficult pregnancy. I reckon she feels she needs to do all she can to keep baby safe, whatever this means for her, you respect that as her friend. I can imagine her anxiety with so many illnesses going around the thought of having visitors over before vaccinations scare her. People can think it is unreasonable but nobody has a claim on the baby other than mum and dad. She may come around or not. Just be there for her with messages and updates.

Just go along with it, my SIL said all this with her first, she quickly realised how boring and lonely it is and we were summoned within days!

We had visitors as soon as possible but its up to her i would just move on people have babies all the time it is not new but if she wants to deliberately isolate herself up to her no matter how weird the idea is

I do always wonder if they’ve considered that there’s plenty of babies with older siblings whose lives can’t just suddenly stop for months at a time and they manage perfectly fine.

That being said with I can appreciate why the anxiety of a difficult pregnancy can make you feel this way, especially with the news at the moment and all the horror stories social media likes to bombard you with.

I hated people coming round when I just had my baby, it was all new to me, I felt self conscious people being there watching what I was doing, I just wanted some time to get used to it. I didn’t tell people not to come round as I didn’t realise I would feel like that, but if I’d had another one I would have been letting people know that I would contact them when I was ready for visitors. Wouldn’t leave it months though.

Does she have any data to back up this bubble business?

I think it's extreme. People want a village but on their terms only. They'll wonder one day why people aren't interested in their children

When I had ds1 my parents, exdp's parents and school friends visited the ward and I was only in one night! When I had ds2 his aunt was at my house when I got home as she was dog sitting, then my parents, exdp's parents and other aunts visited the next day. Following that friends visited. Mine never caught anything!!

I think it’s important to remember how much either having difficulty conceiving or a difficult pregnancy or both can really make your mind work overtime on things.
Also - remember the amount that’s on the news etc at the moment about disease outbreaks and young children being particularly vulnerable etc. If you’re already feeling a bit on edge about things then these additional risk factors being thrown in your face every time you look at a screen can really play havoc with your mind.

Personally I would just respect her wishes and let her know that I’m here for her if she needs me.

I was very much in the mindset that I wanted the whole newborn family bubble when I had dc. The reality was we were both stuck in hospital for 10 days during a heat wave and i was MEGA grateful for my many visitors that bought me magazines, food, and generally kept me sane. Just go with the flow, there's a good chance she will change her mind, people generally like to show their babies off :)

It’s a bit bonkers to be honest. But I’m sure we all said something bonkers coming up to our first babies. She may change her mind when she is home with baby

It is extreme but I do sympathise with both of you, you for having to bite your tongue and be a good friend as you are, and her for what sounds like a lot of anxiety. Scary if you're having your first, difficult pregnancy (think you mentioned difficulty conceiving too?) and all this about the meningitis outbreak, she's probably terrified.

And she's not done this before so even if she's thought about all the babies with older siblings mixing and bringing germs home, it won't be that reassuring I imagine. I'm sure she'll calm down and come around in due time

She doesn’t know yet

Unless things have changed very recently, most mums spend a lot of time at the doctors and at baby/toddler groups (and for non-first timers like your friend, at school and nursery pick-ups) in the early days; these places are probably far more risky than a couple of friends visiting your home. Or you could meet her at the park and get coffee/snacks from the cafe/food truck, so you're outside if she feels ok with that. But it is her call, and many people do have health anxiety.

I presume she is going to disinfect her husband thoroughly when he gets home from work? He’ll be in touch with all sorts of people and things throughout the day which he will bring home on himself and his clothes. Perhaps he’ll have to strip naked outside and immerse himself in a bath of bleach before she lets him in the house?