All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

Absolutely this. How utterly bizarre of you.

You do realise you caused this, OP?

I think you were unnerved because you at first thought he was a woman then realised he was a man. Not his fault. He did absolutely nothing wrong but you felt uneasy because of this story in your head. Instead of rationalising yourself you turned around and followed him.

He probably thought wtf so stopped to look in his bag hoping you’d pass.

And you’re blaming him??!

What was he supposed to do?

This is exactly what mass anxiety whipped up by the media does to people.

Poor guy, he was probably so unsettled by this.

He could have put his hands up as if to say ‘I’m not threatening.’ Or ran off ahead in a different direction. Idk. I wasn’t there. He could have been trying - and fumbling to do this in his own way - so she could overtake him and find somewhere less remote - but her feedback is that made her uncomfortable.
i have worked in jobs where deescalation is key, I do it all the time as a woman in my life. I would expect him to do the same tbh

Exactly this.

We’re afraid of the wrong big bad wolf here.

Statistically the vast, vast majority of VAWG doesn’t happen in public by strangers but by partners or ex partners in the home.

We all know this yet we choose to ignore it.

I don't think anyone needed to change their behaviour in this situation. No one was to blame for anything. Nothing happened.

‘HE could have kept more distance”?

She turned around and followed him!

She didn’t follow him. She chose to change directions because she had an instinct he was dodgy and honoured it. Did you read this?

So he should have had short hair and not walked? Bizarre post

She had an instinct something was wrong and chose to change direction and he stopped, confirming he was aware of her. Both were being weird. Why are we not honouring this woman’s instinct? She made a judgement call, she’s alive to tell the tale.
a bit embarassing but as I said I’d rather be embarrassed than dead.

@mildlysweaty maybe he was scared you changed direction to follow him and took out his phone to ring his partner and a car key for protection.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating.

I can see your perspective @mildlysweaty that said, I feel uneasy that men may be damned it they do, damned if they don't nowadays. We can't get inside men's heads to know for sure their intentions are honourable or otherwise,

how should they behave so they aren't intimidating, what sort of behaviour will change the perception of them being a threat? In your example, what would you have wanted the man to do?

Each situation is different, so men have got a lot of thinking to do to derisk every unique situation so a lone woman doesn't feel intimidated.

Umm...she walked back towards him. I can entirely imagine he stopped to let her past as she'd suddenly changed direction and was gaining on him. Are you really that dense? Not all of us females exist in a state of permanent fear. Yes awful things do happen sometimes but unless you have personal close experience, its crazy to have the level of anxiety displayed here.

No. She literally turned around and walked in the same direction as him after he had passed her.

He passed her on a walk and then she chose to change direction and follow him. He continued to mind his own business. He didn't speak to her or approach her. Then nothing happened. It is hardly a narrow escape from death.

You haven’t read this properly. She had an instinct that he was dodgy and wanted to walk behind him as to her prey brain, being able to see what he was doing and where he was felt safe. He then stopped and forced her to pass him, which made her feel vulnerable.
why is all the onus on the woman? Her instinct he was dodgy is worth honouring.

Im not saying it was but how do you know it couldn’t have been?
my point is im with op. If I have an instinct in the wild im honouring that shit even if I look stupid, and if a man sees me, at all of 50kg, clearly acting from a place of fear, then he should be kind about it. The same way you would with someone else.
is it that hard to treat people how we want to be treated?

So immediately after passing someone in an isolated location, you turned around and started following them, and they are the problem?

It actually makes sense from prey brain - which was clearly engaged here. Better to see the predator than have them sneak up behind you.
she had an instinct. She honoured it. She is free to do that.

How is him becoming aware of her when she immediately did an about turn to follow him weird? And to the pp who said he should have 'put his hands up or run off somewhere"..Jesus bloody Christ..they were right behind a primary school, he's just mooching as he is perfectly allowed to do. In this particular instance, expecting him to make some random detour..what..out across a field or something is ridiculous .

Sure..but she's not free to accuse him of doing something wrong for daring to exist.

Idk I think it is weird - I’ve explained but I’ll explain again.
that woman’s prey brain was engaged. She wanted to keep her distance from the potential predator and see where he was. By stopping, he forced her into a vulnerable position of passing him.
I think that’s dodgy and her instinct was worth honouring.
but we can disagree that’s ok

She didn’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. She asked is it unreasonable to expect men to be understanding of why women are frightened of them. I don’t think it is

...and his "prey brain" decided that as someone had turned around and was following him, that it was prudent to keep them in plain sight.

He is a healthy man… what was she going to do to him?
we can agree to disagree.
I don’t think it’s a big ask to ask men to understand why women are frightened of them and not to intimidate them more when they’re already clearly frightened.

Not all instincts are valid. Are people who instinctively assume a black person is dodgy to be honoured in that belief? In this particular encounter, her 'prey brain' was way off and making assumptions with literally nothing to support it other than she was 'fooled ' by his long hair. That's entirely her problem and does not put the onus on him to do anything at all.

I honestly don't know what he should have done here that would be a) reasonable and b) reassure her...sprint away up the path?