All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

They’re not but this is one I would take seriously. Men do rape women. He did act dodgy after.

its not the same as avoiding someone consciously because of their skin colour. Her reptile brain engaged. She didn’t approach or insult him. She just got to safety.

he can be kind too, it’s not all on her

I don’t think YABU.

I would never have a man walking behind me if I was out a walk alone. I’m pretty blatant about it thought I’ll go off to the side and wait for them to pass before I keep going. Most of them probably do understand why, as most women do, you just won’t find many understanding people on mumsnet. If someone also stops or won’t go past me I’d get on my phone too. Maybe some people just have the luxury of never having felt unsafe but I totally understand you OP.

Ideally he would have kept walking ahead of her so she could keep an eye on him.

Generally I agree but this was broad daylight, he did nothing wrong (man on walk opens bag, shocking) and you were suspicious because he had…long hair? And you walked back towards him? You’ve got a lot of anxiety. Suggest you walk your dog somewhere else if being near the woods is this scary.

Men do need to be aware of their behaviour but it’s also harmful to women to suggest they should like in an atmosphere of constant fear.

Well either he actually needed something from his bag, which is fine, or he judged she wanted to get away so he was allowing her to create more distance between them. Sorry but I don't accept that every man should have to alter his behaviour in every single scenario to accommodate OTT anxiety in the exact way that the woman finds reassuring (which isn't always clear) Dark night, coming up from.behind, sure, cross the road but here?

I have had men follow me in isolated places. I have also had them approach me and, to take two examples say, 'I'm going to put my dick in your mouth and you are going to suck on it' and 'If you don't give me any money, I will have to hurt you'. That is the type of behavior that is wrong. Bad men approach women and interact.

OP didn't do anything embarrassing and is right to be wary but a man faffing about in his bag, going about his business, isn't actually doing anything wrong.

How did he determine she was "clearly frightened" when he had his back to her?

I hike alone and I agree with you OP. You want any interactions with lone men ( or groups of men for that matter) to be brief and predictable . We are programmed, due to men’s superior physical strength and the existence of assault, rape and worse, to be wary of men when we are alone. I think a lot of men know that too and stick to the script: walk at an even pace, quick hello, move along. Those who dick around cause confusion and fear.

Honestly I don't see what he did wrong here. I'm surprised, if you felt uneasy when you first saw him, that you turned back to follow him. Why? Wouldn't you rather put distance between yourself and any perceived threat? Then you followed him and he's supposed to know you're there and change his behaviour accordingly? No sorry, I think you're in the wrong here and overthinking things.

Also, the OP never stated she was scared of him because he had long hair. She initially wasn’t feeling uneasy because she thought it was a woman so didn’t do anything until he passed & realised it was a man.

Ted Bundy attacked women in broad daylight & was by all accounts a lovely, charming man to talk to. The suggestion that we can’t assume the worst of everyone is so silly, if something was to happen in this instance it would probably be the exact same people who say ‘well what was she doing out by herself in the woods in the first place’.

How to you know he's a healthy man?

And when he stopped he didn't force her to do anything; she could have stayed back but she chose to pass him.

So you agree with me though? You think men being nice to women and not frightening them more by acting weird and unpredictably isn’t a big ask?
becuase you’re now asking me to extrapolate when I wasn’t there

My point isn’t that he didn’t anything wrong but that he could have done better.
the description gave me insights into his health but I don’t have all the information.
is it that much of a big ask to ask men to understand why we feel uncomfortable alone around them in remote places and to not make it worse? Like seriously?

I was walking my dog today in a fairly isolated spot. I saw a woman coming towards me and she looked at me oddly when she passed. Maybe she was surprised at my long hair as it's unusual for a man to have long hair, but I get that a lot, no big deal.

I continued on anyway, after a few minutes I heard a dog or footsteps, I casually turned around and it was the same lady behind me. She must have been doing an out-and-back walk rather than a circular route. At the same time I reached into my backpack for some chewing gum. She walked past fairly quickly, I'm not sure if I startled her by looking back or by rummaging in my backpack. Surely that's a normal thing to do?

Aibu to be a bit insulted that she has now posted on a public forum saying my behaviour could have frightened her?

I don’t think the OP would have been happy unless he had made himself disappear!

saying a man can’t stop and get something out of his bag is just taking the hatred of men to extremes.

You’re a bit unable to see past your own viewpoint and male centred, yes

This is going too far. Yes men should be aware that following close behind women when there's nobody else about at night is a really stupid thing to do. In fact the same is true no matter the sex of either party. But you're pretty much berating this chap for just existing and doing the same thing as you - being out for a stroll. Just because it 'felt dodgy' to you doesn't mean there's anything in it; it does sound like the problem is with you here.

She said she was taken aback because she'd assumed it was a woman..perhaps if they'd had short hair she'd have turned back before he passed her.

I absolutely wouldn't think someone was partially to blame if they were attacked anywhere at any time. Logic would suggest its those posters who think there is inherent danger in every contact with a man who would think women should change their behaviour to minimise it... those who agree the woman was right trust her instincts.

What a ridiculous thread

Did he act dodgy?
I'm a man and I might have done the same. Stopping to rummage in a bag allows her to walk past him to create some distance. If he ignored and kept walking they would have been close for longer.

Or maybe he was just rummaging for his bear suit?

Honestly, I do not understand how women have managed to be so brainwashed by social media and each other that they're convinced they're in mortal danger of being abducted or worse every time they leave the house. Reality check: men are around 3x more likely to be murdered and 2x more likely to be attacked by a stranger as women. Only 0.0005% of women are murdered each year in the uk and the perpetrators are overwhelmingly their partners or someone they know with only 6% of the 0.0005% murdered by a stranger. While it does happen it's hard to overstate how rare it is and you are genuinely far more likely to be struck by lightning than killed by a stranger. Add to this that you were in broad daylight on a road where other people were passing and you are being very unreasonable.

And this is why Im not labelling this man anything. I even said in a pp the same as you - he might have even have done this on purpose to make her feel more comfortable, but the reality is it made her feel more vulnerable as she had to pass him and lose sight of him again.
shes not unreasonable and neither was he. We have conflicting feelings and its kindest to just treat each other how we would want to be treated. I don’t think it’s a big ask that men are concious that women might be frightened of them and to be kind about it

Very few cases make the news because of the frequency. The ones that do are usually memorable in some way, victims of a serial killer, someone who is young/ pretty, someone who is initially missing.

I know!!!

And not only that only a tiny percentage of men are responsible for violent/ sexual crimes on women. 1% is supposed to commit 63% of them so contrary to what MN frothers want us to believe the likelihood of the man who was getting something out of his rucksack being the slightest bit interested in the op is very low.

He really did not do anything OP. if I was the man I would say I went for a walk in the woods, I passed a women who then turned around and starting following me. I stopped to get something out of my bag and she went rushing past me it was very odd.