All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

They were at the back of her child’s school, not on the Appalachian Trail, miles from the nearest road!

I agree that women should be aware that if they encounter a lone woman in an otherwise deserted spot they should remove themselves from the area by crossing the road or changing direction, anything that signals “I mean you no harm”. Which is why I voted for ‘not unreasonable’.

However, though it’s obviously difficult for us to retrace the OP’s steps and experience the unease that she clearly felt, I wonder whether the young man stopped specifically for this reason. Maybe he could sense the OP’s unease and, unable to remove himself by going elsewhere because it was a narrow path, he chose to busy himself with his backpack so that OP could pass him and “get back to safety”.

Do you know what he did after he passed you, @mildlysweaty ? Did he wait until you had put some distance between you and him before walking on?

Quite unfairly, my mum always said she was concerned if anyone was walking in a dog walking area (like the one in the post) without a dog, because it seemed weird

Eh? Since when did areas that are popular with dog walkers somehow become areas that were exclusively for dog walkers?!

A man exists

WAAH CALL THE POLICE !!!!

Your issues are not his issues, as far as he can tell you are just some one he walked past on a dog path.

Maybe bag shops should ensure men sign a contract that states they have to put things in a bag within closed doors and are not allowed to go in it in public unless they seek permission from any females within 100 miles ti see if it ok

Yep. Couldn't agree more.

You made this encounter weird, not him

I would feel the same as you OP as unfortunately the sad world we live in is that females are not safe walking remote places these days.

What are you on about? There was no man walking behind a woman here.

Babe I think they do and I think they get off on it. Unfortunately.

I'm glad you're ok. Always trust your instincts. I'd rather be rude or strange than sorry.

I understand why you felt uneasy OP, for all you knew him stopping and fiddling with his backpack could have been a ploy to suddenly pounce on you as you walked past him. Also, I would never walk alone in woods, I remember the Hungerford massacre in which a woman with her young children was shot and killed. I know this is very extreme but you don't know who is hiding, just waiting to pounce.

n my OP I said I often do this walk (3 years now) and never felt like that or had someone just stop in their tracks - the men (and women) usually carry on in their direction.

But you were the one who didn't just carry on in your direction. Yes, people generally do carry on walking, but you know and I know that also sometimes people just stop - they feel tired, they have a pain, they want something from their bag, they want to get their bearings, whatever. Who knows, they do it because. a strange woman they just passed suddenly changed direction and is coming up behind them and they'd rather let her go past and get well out of the way.

If he was planning to pounce on her, he'd already had his chance when she passed him before. The fact that, after she passed him, he continued walking away from her whilst she made herself increasingly safe by walking away from him tends to indicate that that wasn't his intention, doesn't it? Otherwise he would have turned round almost immediately.

If you really think someone wants to pounce on you, why on earth would you turn around and make it easy for him?

OP wasn't in the woods, was she? She was behind a school building and walking towards some woods. It was school pickup time, i.e. the period when lots of people come to the school and mill around it. In the short space of time we're concerned with, she saw the man plus "some women". It may not be Piccadilly Circus in the rush hour, but it's hardly isolated, is it?

Quite. More people - male people inclusive - should read and learn from The Gift of Fear.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352

If the man was trying to let you pass, OP, it would've been much less dickish to look at you, maybe even gesture to pass if he's not a talker.

I'll suggest you played this wrong, though (sorry). I'd have waited longer so I wasn't trailing him, or jogged past him.

This thread is actually a good example of why "Trust your instincts" and "Listen to your gut" are such rubbish mantras. Everyone quoting this is forgetting the core fact that OP's instincts were wrong, because the man did precisely nothing to her.

Plus it's a bloody strange instinct that tells you to turn round and start following someone you think might be dangerous to you.

You turned round in your walk, caught up with him and he paused to get his sandwiches out of his bag? Then some other women walked past. I’m bewildered. What did he do wrong?

Men do need to be aware of how women see them but on this occasion it seems you followed him and he maybe felt unsafe ?
Stopped to let you go past and pretended to look for something ( maybe it was his pepper spray ?)

Lol. Can you imagine the hysteria if he'd had the audacity to actually try to talk to an unknown women?! And the possible ambiguity of a gesture.when apparently even existing near women is threatening.

I really don't know what this guy could have done that would have been right for op in this situation. It seems there was nowhere else to go (so stop to let pass or continue on with op following behind) and op was uncomfortable being near him.

He's allowed to take something out of his bag. If the OP hadn't followed him it wouldn't have been a problem.
I know that on MN the done thing is to blame men no matter what, but it's ridiculous to say men can't even walk past women now (in broad daylight with other people near).
I do think it's weird to feel so intimidated by someone that you decide to follow them, just doesn't make sense.

apparently even existing near women is threatening

Oh, your poor masculine ego 😢💐💐😢

We are cautious about being near men in situations that could go pear-shaped. It's fairly tiresome to keep having to explain to Nice Guys ™ that women are prey to a sizeable proportion of men: enough that this knowledge warrants such caution. It's a bit like sheep (OK, talking sheep) patiently explaining, over and over, to assorted dog owners that their Fidos may well be fully sheep-trained little darlings, but the "No Dogs" sign is staying up and means what it says - because the sheep aren't gambling their lives on any potential predator being the well-behaved one.

And I bet you still don't get it.

Do you have kids? Do you never, ever warn them about actions or circumstances that might increase their risk of harm by predatory men? Really??

Saying that as you have a meltdown unable to take someone's view, from the other half of the equation equally important in everything about this.

At least you didn't engage with someone in a terrible way, that makes your views sound crazy and not worth listening to . . . . . .

Nothing happened here at all, end of story. If your kid is so terrified of existing that this situation scared them, you haven't taught them about "predatory" men, you have failed them and impacted their ability to live properly in the world.

Eh? 😳

Oh, never mind. Go and have another of whatever's making your thoughts come out all jumbled. It's the weekend, after all.

Lol not like the good old days when nothing bad ever happened to women.

Whilst I do believe that men should take a little care not to behave in such a way that they may come across as predatory to lone women, I think this thread shows that just being a man is enough to trigger panic in some women and there's not much can be done about that.