All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

He didn’t do anything wrong - you were the one acting strangely

For goodness sake, put your courage where your mouth is and explain it to me, then. It's all too easy to make comments like this. If you really understand and care, go a step further and engage with me by laying it out in a way that allows me either to say, "Oops, you're right - sorry!" or to explain why I still disagree.

After rereading several times, I can see where a distinction may be perceived/argued on the basis of a trans identity, perhaps, but this doesn't negate the fundamental contradiction of:

"When I go out in a dress I tend to avoid men actively, and clutch my handbag a bit tighter in certain situations." = I classify a group as a bit threatening

versus

"actually classifying us all as threatening is a bit unreasonable" = it's unreasonable to classify a group as a bit threatening

The only possible argument I can see that you may be making against this is that it's justified for that poster / trans people to generalise about groups in this way, but not other individuals / demographics? Or perhaps that particular, differing contexts affect whether or not you feel such a generalised response is justified. It's honestly hard to see what else you may be arguing unless you tell me.

ETA Btw, to the trans poster - sorry you feel this way, and thanks for your understanding of why women may. Much of your post sounds very thoughtful and sensitive. Do feel free yourself to tell me where you see me going wrong in interpreting the rest of it, too! 😊

Yeah and he’s free to keep walking in the same direction and stop to get something out of his backpack too if he so chooses. There is zero indication he is/was a predator fgs.

Honestly as the mum of a young adult male, I find some of this ludicrous.

Most VAWG happens in intimate or family relationships.

In your opinion. Who the hell are you to dictate other people’s experiences? Would you tell a Ukrainian refugee to get a grip if they said look I find loud noises a bit triggering, can you let me know so I can leave if you’re doing building work? No you bloody wouldn’t. At least I hope you’d have empathy. But maybe you wouldn’t idk maybe you’re not sexist maybe you are just not very cooperative or kind

What an incredibly strange response to my perfectly logical and factual post. Are you not well?

How is it strange to say it’s not for you to dictate whether or not something makes someone else feel uncomfortable? And then I gave you an example of something you might consider benign which might make someone else extremely uncomfortable.
i love how misogynists immediately label feminists crazy. Its the modern day witch label.

Why should I have to. If you misquote the post by leaving parts out to try I prove a ridiculous point just because You carnt be bothered to read it properly I not going to explain it to you

This genuinely made me laugh - a bit of a playground flashback. Polite engagement, parody and satire, facts, stats, and closed questions are all leading to responses like this, and I'm increasing feeling a dangerous temptation to sink into Yaa boo sucks! myself in response. As such, I'm properly out now. I've not much more to say anyway. My posts speak for themselves, for anyone who wants to read them - as very much, do some of the replies.

OP felt ok when she thought it was a woman with long hair. She didn't get any vibes then. As soon as she realised it was a man she suddenly got vibes. Why? The man didn't act any different from before, the only difference is she saw it was a man. That's sexist, it was still the same person. Also why did she assume it was a woman. Men have long hair throughout history, it's not new. I was born in the 70s, men have had long hair all that time as well. She changed direction, she caused the man worry hence the reason he stopped so she could pass. Why is it ok for OP to worry the man but not the other way round? Again sexist OP caused the problem. The man did nothing wrong.

Im leaving with you. We have explained the point. We have both done our bit. I have a raging hangover anyway I can’t think properly now.

if anyone else quotes me I’m not engaging further because I nearly called someone a dick too and like you I want to be better than that

Yes playground flashback. And you are the bully. Congratulations.

I think he probably looked over his shoulder because you turned round and started walking in his direction OP.

In general I do agree men aren’t aware enough though.

She changed direction, she caused the man worry hence the reason he stopped so she could pass. Why is it ok for OP to worry the man but not the other way round?

Exactly. There were a few really sexist responses to the suggestion that he might have been worried. One poster said that if he was worried, he didn't deserve to be called a man (or words to that effect) which I found really shocking. That kind of thinking is how boys end up damaged by toxic masculinity.

Agree, not sure why a path through woods would be more dangerous than any other footpath. I walk in the woods most days on my own, I see men, women and children in there.

I know!!!

Yes.

Those who are saying the OP was right to be alarmed/scared etc, please tell us what this man could have done differently.

Just to be clear - he was walking along a path near a school in broad daylight and while other people were close by although out of sight at the the OP saw him.

Exactly, women with that attitude are damaging the next generation of men.

No. Women with your attitude are contributing to damaging the next generation of men.
If you've encouraged your sons to be frightened of women rather than showing them the stats that clearly demonstrate its men they should be scared of, you're irresponsible.
If you've brought them up to think that women will make false accusations against them then you're encouraging misogynist paranoia and rape apology.
If you go round telling them that women are entitled and demanding when they ask for consideration and that they should ignore them because their rights are what matter, you've raised the next generation of whinging MRA, who will find their dating pool significantly reduced as a result and will struggle socially in more enlightened spaces.
No man is damaged by empathising and being considerate of women. On the contrary, he will stand out for his decency.

Who's saying that a man who's discomfited by a woman changing direction to deliberately follow him, can't also have empathy for women and their safety? The two things can exist side by side in the same man. In fact a man who's experienced discomfort from being followed, is likely to have even more empathy for women in the same situation.

You have no idea what I've told my son's. I've told them to be respectfull of women as long as they show he same respect back. I've said if a women is following them they should let her pass to safeguard themselves. Why are women allowed to safeguard themselves but not men. My boys are in stable loving relationships and respect the women they love. Don't try to tell me what I've said to my boys because you weren't there. You are projecting your own thoughts which are not true

She was heading back towards the village/town/other people instead of continuing on to a more remote place because this man set off alarm bells.

OP did the right thing.
No-one should be shaming her or dismissing her reaction.

Girls and women are constantly told to dismiss their natural instinct.
There is no good reason to do that.
The men who tell women this are usually predators themselves.
The women who tell other women this are either in denial or good little girls who do what men say.

TheSunjustcameout
"The women who tell other women this are either in denial or good little girls who do what men say."

Or they are strong, independent women who go about their day to day lives without being in a state of constant fear of the opposite sex .

Exactly this!

Indeed. I never suggested otherwise. The person I was replying to has over several posts informed us how frightened this man must have been and how understandable that was. My point was that a responsible parent would not encourage this type of thinking in her sons, but would instead provide them with evidence that they had no need to fear women. Why would any reasonable person want their child unnecessarily frightened when the evidence is so reassuring?