All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

Perhaps if you feel anxious so easily in the situation you described, you should take self defence lessons to improve your confidence?

How does this alarm work on anyone neuro divergent, who are likely to deviate from social norms? Or just shy and awkward out in the world. Is it similar to a car or house alarm that can trip for no obvious reason? Can I get a remote somewhere? Perhaps you should publish your research on the matter and get it peer reviewed, it sounds most interesting. Though I am glad we have finally established the man in question could not be 'nice' according to your theory.

So what are men allowed to do if they’re not allowed to look in a rucksack?

It’s anything but “simples”🙄🤔

Oh and can we dictate what women do too?

And women should understand that men don't like to be followed. Simples. You see it works both ways.

So basically if men behave the way you want them to when taking a nice relaxed walk out alone women are safe? Big dangerous don’t you think to dictate what men can and can’t do to portray not being a rare weirdo. It’s up to women to take rssoinsibiiity for their own safety. That is what I’m teaching my daughters to do. Far better than basing safety assumptions on saying what men can and can’t do when minding their own business.

Exactly this. If he’d been my son I’d have suggested he open his rucksack and put his phone on record as clearly men can’t go about their business now without being accused of being a predator.

exactly, I tell my own sons the same thing.

The handmaidening on this post is unbelievable!

won’t anyone think of the poor menz!

I
It seems that many women o in a state of hyper vigilance concerning the male population. I cannot imagine living like that. On that crazy NAMALT thread one even suggests that she would not share a room with a male colleague even if it was in relation to an important meeting. Madness. And if you dare to contest any of their statements people are called handmaidens , male apologists or dick panderers.

live in a state that should say

Yes, that's absolutely right. Full disclosure... I am, in fact, She-Ra the All Powerful Megalomaniac, and I demand that all men behave exactly the way I wish. I oversee the dystopian hell envisioned by posters incapable of engaging with more subtle distinctions, and thank you for your obeisance.

More seriously, thank you for proving my point about the constant reduction of subtle arguments and common sense to cartoonish hyperbole throughout this thread. It's been a remarkable one to read and post on.

I honestly don't know what's going on in this furious resistance to responding to what posters like me are actually saying - it's beyond me. I'd love to get a sociologist's or psychologist's view on it. In the absence of that, I'm off now. Best of luck to the other more moderate and empathetic voices on here.

ETA: I know sarcasm's the lowest form of wit and all that, but really, I tried everything else, so please excuse the indulgence. Equally, I don't mean to be rude, but do feel that these constant suggestions that I and posters like me are somehow stupid, selfish and mildly sociopathic in our apparent demands that men become inanimate puppets(?!) somewhat justifies it. It feels like my actual voice is being silenced and misrepresented just like OP's, and could be quite upsetting if I didn't choose to smile instead.

So a man cant have long hair, go for a walk or open their back pack? Honestly get a grip OP. He did nothing wrong. You need to get medical support for your anxiety.

It's not obtuse at all though, because if she hadn't turned to follow him, would he have even stopped? Doubtful.

I posit that he stopped in some sort of pretense, purely for the reason that she had turned to follow close behind him (walking 'a few feet behind' by her own admission), but wasn't going past him.. it was very odd behaviour from OP and I'd have been quite unnerved if I was him and would also have thought of a benign way to create an overtake.. which he did.

OP is saying THIS man did something wrong by stopping, and IMO, it was OP that acted strangely and he responded perfectly sensibly in the circumstances.

When these men are being accused of being a predator when they are totally innocent yes I will think of the men lots of us have sons. How you would you feel if your son was being accused of being a predator when he was complete innocent? I've had enough of hearing about innocent men being accused just because a women has Spidey senses. It ruins lives.

People who are neurodivergent can be massively disadvantaged in our society. They can also be predators. I say that as a neurodivergent parent to neurodivergent kids who also works with neurodivergent people. Not all men are predators. Some are. Dangerous men don't wear a label so the point is women usually don't know, until too late.

Of course not all safe men will have the capacity to understand the request that they consider how they impact women in the world. But many do, including some who are neurodivergent . It's a reasonable request. Like asking someone to consider the environment, their neighbours, or behaving a certain way in a religious place.

Women ought to listen to their gut instincts in situations but of course they can rationalise with conscious thought too. The degree to which that rationalisation is successful is likely dependant on the amount of prior trauma a woman has experienced at the hands of men.

There is also social pressure to rationalise oneself into overriding gut feelings eg the strong social pressure to believe a transwoman has a different inherent threat to a man.

Gut instincts are interoception: Signals from your internal organs that send messages to your brain more quickly than your brain's ability to have conscious thought about what you are seeing/ hearing. There's loads of research on this. Also on what trauma does to the brain and traumatic reactions. There is also research on the different ways women and men navigate public spaces.

I assume he was pretending to get something out of his bag to let the op pass him as she was behaving so strangely.

A few people on this thread a centimetre away for blaming him for having long hair as a predatory tactic to throw women off balance.

This site is so odd sometimes.

Actually I think it's more about encouraging women to lead full lives that aren't controlled by unnecessary suspicion and paranoid fear.

If you asked for a headcount of how many women on this site have been assaulted or abused, I'd bet everything I own that the majority will have been by someone they know.

Yeah, but all means, be aware of your surroundings and possible dangers, but writing a thread on some guy getting something out of his backpack in broad daylight? Honestly. What do you think it was? A woodchipper to feed her body through?

You need me to explain what’s happening here?
sexism, it is pure and simple sexism. It’s also what happens when a woman discloses abuse: everything from her actions to her mental health is ripped apart. She’s told to shut up because it could ruin his life. She’s accused of hating men. People say they believe and support women. But even an uncomfortable vibe that harms no one isn’t believed.

This is why victims don’t speak up, recant when they do.

false accusations do not ruin lives. My rapist was publicly accused. Guess what happened? This. He was defended and I was labelled as the crazy one. Despite the overwhelming evidence and my innocence and rights.

it is called sexism and misogyny my dear. One thing you will learn when you are a victim of male violence is that there are only a few real feminists out there. I’d rather believe a liar than protect a rapist. But unfortunately most people would rather the latter.

its just pure and utter sexism

And accusing an innocent man is also sexism. Accusing him just because he is a man and in the wrong place at the wrong time and comes across a women with Spidey senses that are false, like in thecOP. Of course I have all my sympathy for people who are actually raped. But accusing an innocent just because he is a man is also sexism. Just the other way around

Op didn’t make any false accusations, she accused a man of making her feel uncomfortable.
and got called crazy.

And the man in question in the op did what exactly?

I’ll tell you what sexism is. It’s telling all women they’re all the fairer weaker sex and they can’t go anywhere without being handled in a certain way by men, that they can’t protect or look out for themselves and are reliant on men making decisions.

Then there is all the men are predators and up to no good by default bullshit.

Yeah it’s sexism alright.

He made her feel uncomfortable. That’s all she said. How is this going to ruin his life??

some things are facts. On your logic we no longer need seperate sexes in sports then, because hey men and women are equal. Well guess what if we did that? There would be no women in sports. Because we’re not equal.

i know that children are more vulnerable and adapt my behaviour. It’s not anti child or detrimental to them. I can do the same for women without being sexist

She got called crazy by saying all men have to behave in a certain way to make women feel better and looking in a rucksack when being followed needs to be banned and is worthy of being berated and accused of creepy behaviour.

So she’s crazy for asking other human beings who are capable of it to be considerate of her needs as another human who has to share the planet?

give over. Entitled maybe but not crazy