All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

There are ONS stats on this ... something like 1% of men are attacked by a stranger and 0.4% of women. I don't think the stats state whether the men are to blame for being attacked. It is very likely that both men and women feel anxious near strangers acting weirdly.

Really surprised by the way the voting is going on this thread (currently more YABU).

I was walking home from the station along a fairly dimly lit road a while back. A guy was following me on my side of the road. I crossed the road ahead of him so that he was no longer walking behind me and to put some distance between us. He crossed the road too. So I crossed back, quite rattled by this point. It turned out his car was parked on that side of the road; he got in it and drove away. But not before I had got quite panicky. The whole situation could have been avoided if he had crossed onto the side he needed much earlier, so he wasn’t walking behind me, or if he had not then crossed the road immediately after me. He could for example have unlocked his car and then the lights would have alerted me to his true destination and I would have adapted my route accordingly. Men are thoughtless.

Your intuition could of been right so always take notice of those feelings..
It's sad we have to feel switched on all the time even when having a stroll in the sun if I was alone I would never put my ear pods in .. good to be aware but sad when it spoils what should be a peaceful and relaxing time.
I agree with you .

Why was he thoughtless? He was just walking to his car. Why should he have done the things you wanted? You could have easily slowed down and let him pass you. All he wanted to do was get to his car. He is not a mind-reader, he couldn't read your thoughts, and he was not thoughtless.

I would feel the same way you did!

I have tried to tell my DH about this, and he keeps insisting it's fine for women to walk alone in places like that.

He just doesn't get it

My dd is a student. A friend of hers, who used to work in an “unsafe” place, said to me that their university town is very safe, when I said I worry about her walking home at night. Well, relatively it is, statistically it is safer than the places he is used to. However I know three young women raped at Oxbridge, by fellow students. None of these rapes were reported. So there are three men out there somewhere, who may have never been convicted of anything, whose parents are probably proud of them, who are actually rapists. This is just in my small circle, quite a few other people have mentioned knowing someone raped at university . Also this isn’t including the girls and young women I know who have been spiked, one also sexually assaulted. Or the girl I went to school with, raped by her father, another man who never faced a law court. Or all the near misses in my own life, and the number of times I’ve been flashed or groped or followed, once when I was a very small 12 year old. Or all the women I know who have been attacked.
When I read posts diminishing and mocking the anxiety felt by the OP who came across a man in an isolated place, behaving in an unexpected way, I think lucky lucky you . Lucky you to have never met any of these men above, lucky you to have walked down dark roads and not felt fear. Lucky you to have lived a life where all the men you know are good, and kind. But it’s likely the parents of my friend’s Oxford rapist thought he was a model citizen too.

The man wasn't behaving in an unexpected way. He was walking, didn't change direction. OP did change direction, followed the man, didn't like that he glanced back because he was being followed, then stopped so she could pass. It was OP who behaved in unexpected ways. I'm sorry for the girls who where raped , very sorry. But that's not what the post was about. The man in the OP was innocent .

Ugh just from the way you described this i got that same familiar, awful feeling. Know exactly what you mean OP and I truly do think that a lot of men just arent aware of how this can affect us at all. It was probable that he wasnt doing anything shifty, and perhaps stopped and pretended to be doing something to let you get past - but then again, you just dont know. Its happened too many times before. Men should definitely be more cautious about this, yanbu.

"Men should definitely be more cautious about this"

What would this additional caution look like in the OP's scenario?

Unfortunately, they are not exceptional occurrences.

I've been harassed and assaulted by men while out running, on a bus, on a train, in a queue, at several jobs, in bars, etc. I'm pretty average.

And that doesn't even cover the way male family members, friends, and partners of my female friends, have behaved towards me.

It does get tiring being told that it doesn't happen that often, or that I'm being anxious or paranoid. Some people (not just women) have learned the hard way to be particularly attuned to others' body language and non-verbal cues. Often, that 'paranoia' or 'anxiety' is picking up on those things - things that others might not notice.

Having said that, on the face of it, it sounds like the man was just having a nice walk and wanted to get something from his bag.

And about 350 women die in road traffic accidents in a year, to put that in some context.

Shall we make all car drivers aware of this?

What depresses me on threads such as this is when a man, or men, post trying to invalidate the feelings of the woman.

Basically, because it isn't our lived experience, us men have absolutely no idea of why a woman may interpret an innocent encounter as something else.

The best I can do as a individual is listen to women, learn from them and empathise with them over issues that affect them, from the threat of male physical violence, though unwanted physical attention to unwanted attention of all sorts to being ignored ridiculed and subjected to all manner of sexist behaviour.

The bottom line is that the issues are caused by us men so it is up to us men to fix them, this starts with the very small baby steps of being aware of how our actions may be perceived and modifying them accordingly and calling out other men's behaviours.

What do you think this particular man could have/should have done differently?

And how would you modify your behaviour in this situation? You're walking along and a faster walking woman is behind you so you do what?

Absolutely. I thought I'd made it very clear that he could potentially have attacked her in any of many ways, and that she could have been in great danger. I don't think anybody on here is criticising OP or any other woman for being very wary of what men could do to them.

The issue is of her calling out his 'behaviour', when he did nothing odd or unusual whatsoever... unless we randomly want to criticise him for having long, 'unmanly' hair (and if so, are we going to criticise women for having short hair and potentially unnecessarily scaring other women who think they're a man from a distance?) - when she was the one who exhibited odd, potentially scary behaviour and not him. Whom is it going to help if men are called out for any of the following and being urged not to do it:
Walking through a wood?
Stopping to get something from his bag?
Being followed by a woman who suddenly changes her direction and walks close behind him?

What did this man actually do wrong? Or was it just being a man out in public that made him automatically wrong?

By the way, tragically, people do get attacked and injured or killed in public - I wish it were only a far-fetched fictional scenario, but it can and does happen.

I was less commenting on the actual events of the OP but more generally on how some men feel the need to the need to explain how the woman's feelings are invalid.

As to what the man in the OP could have done different, well to be honest I don't know, however it could be that it was how he opened the rucksack that was seen as a threat, I don't know.

Putting myself in the position of the man then I wouldn't have stopped but would have carried on walking, obviously if the woman was walking faster than me I would have stood aside to let her past.

I only sped up when I got closer to him and he’d already stopped, up to that point I was keeping my distance walking behind him. I became very scared when he stopped - he could have walked a few more steps either direction (thereby giving me the choice which route to take rather than block a narrow path. Not sure what’s made some people think I was sprinting towards the guy.

I appreciate how the point I was trying to make got lost in the way I explained it.

I don't think the man did anything wrong. I do understand why the OP was anxious despite that.
As you say people do get attacked injured and killed. In the vast majority of cases, by men. So a wariness on encountering a strange man in a remote location would be understandable from a woman, or from a man given men attack each other as well as us.
Unfortunately because in this instance it is difficult to see how this particular man could have acted differently, people (some of whom I don't believe to be posting in good faith) have leapt on that in order to discredit the main point of the post, which was OPs wish that men in general could understand, empathise and be thoughtful in their actions around us.
I think its possible to conclude both that this particular man probably couldn't act any differently, but in general men could. And indeed, many do.
Yet instead the thread has taken a frankly ridiculous turn with people insisting without a shred of evidence or rationale that it was OP who was the intimidating person in the scenario. If people are genuinely of the belief that the average man is likely to be frightened by a woman behind him in the woods, then all I can say is that people must move in very different circles of men than I do.

That's not entirely true. Far more men are attacked by a stranger, just going about their normal life, than women. Nearly all the men in my life have been mugged, or victims of attempted mugging. Ordinary, decent, sober, law abiding men.
My best friend was just sitting on the bus, FFS, when he was punched in the face and robbed on his way home from work.

It sounds as though he was wary of you.

Do you always think big bad men are out to get you in every incident where you find yourself alone?
A woman can murder you too.
Fancy living life with that out in the universe before you step out the door. Life must be terrifying for you to navigate with this as the focus.
As I've already said... Councelling.
This is extreme. Can't work out which is the worst part that you expect everyone is after specifically you because you're that awesome that you draw this attention to yourself or that you can't be alone near someone of the male species because they'll get you.

Completely bizarre. And look how long the thread is. A mixed bag of equally batshit females thinking all men are after them and those who think this is OTT.

One time I caught a train to an area I had never caught a train to. There was a massive Islander guy who was walking behind me and realised I was uncomfortable as I kept turning around. He called out “I’m not following you! You’re fine!” and laughed.

I figured it would happen to him often as he was intimidating.

If men don’t want you to worry then they will do things that make you not worry.

"That old chestnut.
Men are at greater risk of violent crime because they are far more likely to be involved in criminal activities and also because men are far more likely to get into fights when drinking every weekend up and down the country."

That's some nice victim blaming there. Guess men are asking for it huh? Imagine the reaction a man would get if he said women were more likely to be attacked because they worked in criminal activities like brothels or got into sexual activities they regretted later when drinking every weekend up and down the country and ignored all the day to day experiences of women.

Society largely still frowns on any man attacking a woman; prisoners convicted of sex crimes are targets for other male prisoners. Men do not benefit from this protection, albeit the balance of risks for them is different.

What did the man do wrong in the op?