All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

Why would he just not say "good morning" "good evening" or some such with a smile and carry on

Maybe he’s not very sociable or has social anxiety?
Or is depressed?
or neurodiverse?
or knows that a lone woman often doesn’t want to interact with a man?
or noticed op staring at him wondering if he was a man or a woman and thought op was a bit strange?

Op was the one who quite quickly turned round and started following him and was ‘a few feet behind him’ that’s very close, lots of people would find that odd, male or female.

Perhaps he was getting his phone or camera out to start filming if he thought op was about to start harassing him in some way?

No it’s because I read the gift of fear. He might have done something subtle she didn’t even notice but in 2 weeks will go omg.

He didn’t have a dog ? A man walking a dog may have felt more reassuring to@mildlysweaty. Although I am sure dog owners are capable of nefarious deeds as well.

Well because he's being discussed at length online...because he and every other man is expected to apparently blink out of existence or literally put their hands in the air if a woman is in the vicinity. Because perfectly ordinary men are put off careers in caring or teaching professions because the assumption they're all dodgy.

No, but the constant strawmanning is disingenuous and honestly quite cruel.

The OP does not

• hate all men
• never go out in public
• insist no man ever goes out
• forbid men from reaching in backpacks
• doom your sons to a life of misery

🙄🙄🙄

Replies like this are patently absurd.

Every single poster's capable of reading and accepting, if they choose, that

• she doesn't usually feel this way when encountering men
• she's conscious she's extra sensitive because of a past local attack
• she finds it hard to put into words what made this encounter different
• she's using it as an example to make a wider point in any case

I'd hope every reader would also be able to recognise that

• they don't know OP's past (I tread gently in response to posts like this because, particularly if OP's perspective seems a bit extreme, there may be a history of trauma they're under no obligation to disclose)
• they weren't there, and we've all experienced situations where we felt vulnerable but couldn't put into words why this was

In this context, that posters choose instead to leap to man-hating paranoia and sons doomed to a life of misery...

...actually makes me think there's something else going on in these posters' minds. I'm honestly not sure what, but the strength of feeling the OP engendered in some is, whatever you think of her behaviour and views, itself irrational.

Whatever that something else is, I do know I find it very sad that so many posters seem incapable of a rational, balanced, empathetic:

"It sounds like you found it quite unsettling. I personally wouldn't have been worried, and think we need to be remember most men are simply living their lives. However, I appreciate I wasn't there and you experienced it differently - we all know there are cues we can't put into words that can alert us to danger. Certainly, the wider point you're making is sound."

I mean, it's not hard to say this instead of leaping to some dystopian cartoon of man-hating women locking up your poor sons for fear of them ever opening a bag in public!

I think these responses show the OP has a point about raising awareness, tbh!

I also think some of the responses even by sympathetic male posters reinforce this. The poster who says women's wariness of men in isolated places is a distorted response to "headlines" shows how little men understand what it can mean to live in a world in which half of the population is twice your strength and capable of subduing you in seconds if they so choose. The one who says he couldn't begin to tell which of the people he'd passed today are male or female? I can't say I'm ever not aware of this, at least. I'm out right now and, en route to my destination, weaving past a bruiser of a bloke with a battered face and three manic youths, was simultaneously entirely unbothered - but also very much aware of their sex. I'd be a fool not to be.

Sounds like he stopped to let you go past?
I'm honestly struggling to see what he did that would make you feel wary.
It sounds from your OP that you were fine when you thought the long haired person in front of you was female but when the long haired person turned out to be male you got worried. Which makes no sense. It's still the same person 😕

But he literally didn't do anything untoward.

I'm not blaming her or criticising her for feeling anxious. I think we've all been there. But we also have to distinguish between specific behaviours that we can ask men to cut out, and anxiety based on nothing specific that it's our job to deal with, because there's nothing we can reasonably ask men to change.

Also, while I do believe instinct is a valuable thing to pay attention to, I think we should be wary of placing undue emphasis on "spidey senses" and the like. I once knew a woman whose "spidey senses" and "fear instinct" only ever came into play around black and brown men. Never the rowdy white boys she loved to hang out with, one of whom actually did get convicted of sexual assault (not of her) a few years later.

I mean, I've just read the post right above mine, and there it is again:

because he and every other man is expected to apparently blink out of existence or literally put their hands in the air if a woman is in the vicinity

It's such an extreme response to one probable overreaction by a woman who may have felt vulnerable for any number of upsetting reasons.

I find it fascinating - and honestly, a sign that OP does have a point about the need for greater awareness of how some women may experience the world for any number of distressing reasons.

Anonymously. Likely where he won’t see it, without any real identifying info.
outside of that yes that’s a real issue that needs addressing. There are lots of safeguards in these roles but equally they are female dominated and we do need more men in them.
im thinking it’s more the low pay and shit hours and thanklessness that puts men off though, not sensible atttitudes about protecting yourself around unknown men in remote locations

or knows that a lone woman often doesn’t want to interact with a man

Exactly! If he had have spoken to her and said "morning" you'd no doubt have a thread full of people saying "can't even go for a walk without having some random man talking to me"
Or "I'm not an emotional support human!"
🙄

She’s not saying this though. She says this was unusual. I can honour her feeling and her right to act on it because no one was harmed in the process.

But that's borne out of the OP criticizing his behavior without offering reasoning as to what he did that was so intimidating and what he could have done differently.

If I say to you "what you did yesterday was unacceptable." And what you did yesterday was be near me my chance and after I walked up to you, I don't see what other conclusion you could come to other than "the only thing I could have done differently is not be there"

Having been followed in the past I get it OP. You were right to be wary. Hard to describe the atmosphere at the time to others. You had to be there to understand.

I agree with you in principle OP, but can’t see what this man did that was so wrong.
You’re saying he shouldn’t have stopped and opened his backpack I guess?
It seems a fairly innocuous thing to do tbh, and as nothing happened, it seems it was.

I actually think you made him uncomfortable and that’s why he stopped in his tracks and wanted to drop behind. He had previously walked past you, paid you no mind and you changed course to follow him…

We’ve given you so many reasons why being a man is intimidating to some women in certain situations. You pretend to understand and then you argue against yourself later on.
you either respect why some women are scared of men or you don’t, which is it?

No..someone upthreas, way back suggested he could put his hands in the air. The 'blinking out of existence' yes is hyperbole put it seems to be what some posters would like men to do...Just never go anywhere remote, or after dark on tje off chance they encounter an anxious female.

And then the OP turned round and started following him...he was probably looking in his rucksack for HIS car keys in case he needed to defend himself.

I can accept why she might be scared. That’s not even a quandary I have! But she says all men should be aware of displaying the behaviour that this man exhibited and we’re asking ‘what behaviour’!

He didn’t do anything so what could he have done about his none existent strange behaviour that all men should be aware of?! What could he have done differently other than ‘not be there’?

...mauled to death by a Cockapoo.

I'm just preparing my post, 'All dog owners should read this,' but struggling to get the right highly strung, irrational tone and wording... but dog owners need to be aware of my fear of being wrestled to the ground by a ferocious Chihuahua and having my throat ripped out... in the local cafe.

Well tbf that’s what we have to do to avoid being raped so yeah… might be nice for them to do it for once. You know

And if what you describe above had happened to me personally, I'd totally get the need for frustrated hyperbole. I'd spend the rest of the day irritably muttering to myself about it! But what you describe above isn't the same. Obviously.

In response to what actually happened (lone woman, lone man, no direct communication between them, subsequent discussion on anonymous forum)...

...Even if I were the man himself, reading all this, I still hope I wouldn't respond with angry hyperbole about the limits such pathetic women want to place on my life. I like to think he'd respond with something more like, "Honestly, that one's hard to understand - there must be something else going on with her."

And I'm not the man himself. And nor are you. And that's what I find so fascinating.

I mean, it makes perfect sense for random third party posters to highlight OP's response as disproportionate in their view, and extend sympathy to a man who was probably a perfectly nice bloke.

It honestly doesn't make sense to me for people who weren't even there to get quite so het up about the poor man (who probably continued merrily on his way after this!) that they're prepared to risk insulting or upsetting a woman who, for reasons we can't fully understand, is still worrying about an experience she found upsetting.

Men should be aware of their impact on women, absolutely.

But I can't really see what this guy has don't wrong. He didn't follow a woman, just stopped to get something out of his bag while he was being followed.

I think there's a chance he was uncomfortable as the op changed direction to follow him!

I get you OP, I've also been in similar situations and have been ran after by a man before.

I do think men need to be more aware of how small actions can make lone women feel.

Even my 15 year old crosses over on the school run if he's behind a lone girl so grown men should be able to grasp basic awareness.

You never go anywhere remote or stay in after dark for fear of being attacked?
I'm female and find that sad and limiting for you.
That may be what you do but you don't speak for all of us. If I started to do that out of worry I'd be wanting to look at getting myself some help.