All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

So what, only women have magic feminine intuition and are poor delicate beings in need of protection. He had no reason to think she might be following for any nefarious reason or to fear her. /sarcasm

How do you get through a day with such ridiculous paranoia? You won’t go
walking in a wood because “men”? They’re really bit after you. That guy was just walking; you started following him. What a weirdo.

He didn’t do anything wrong. He was on a walk and stopped to get sth from his rucksack. You followed him. You had the choice to stop and let him get further ahead, but instead you followed just a few feet behind. Sorry OP this Ines in you.

I'm not angry at the OP for feeling scared, I'm baffled by what she expects this man to be aware of and vilifying him for what appears to be reasonable behavior.

The premise of the thread is
"any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around."

And the part that has most scratching their head is what sort of behaviour is the talking about?
And what would have been the alternative appropriate behavior?

Agreed, I sometimes thing a 'manosphere' type programme needs to be made on some of the people on here. Purposely spreading hate, fear, discrimination and mistrust about men.
Can you imagine if there was a similar site for men(there probably is), lm sure Louis would have something to say about that!

You were acting far more suspiciously than the man OP.

In general I agree with the principle that men should obviously not be intimidating to women - however this seems like a total non event and you made it into a big deal.

It’s a shame it baffles you that she expects men to understand why women are anxious around them in remote places.
and I’m sorry she can’t give you a better alternative. Maybe you should think about it and do the work for once instead of putting it on the woman.

Are you a man? Because if so, I'd be interested in what about the encounter with the OP would have made you 'feel fear'? That she would sexually assault you? Violently over power and hurt you? Because I can understand your fear if another man had turned and followed you as men statistically hurt a lot of other men. But I'm very surprised you'd feel anything other than a bit awkward as the man in the situation described. What would you fear the wonan would do to you, and what is the basis for your fear?

This omg. What was that man likely to be frightened of? What was she gonna do to him?
good lord. And they’re calling us snowflakes

"Several women"? If you are reading the replies properly, @mildlysweaty, you surely have seen that it's the majority answering on here?

"Men acting oddly"? I agree, there would be a need to be wary in that case but this man didn't act oddly at all. He was a man (god help him) walking towards you, who passed you, paying you no heed, who later turned round to see if he needed to move aside to let the person he could see/hear/feel behind him pass, then stopped because he wanted to let the very odd woman who had suddenly decided to turn round and follow him, get past and out of his space. While stopped he thought he might as well have a sip of water/fag/stick of chewing gum/breather.

"Don't need anymore comments because I can see where this is going." You can't (and shouldn't try to) dictate when discussion stops any more than you can (or should want to) dictate the micro movements of a perfect stranger.

How much of a minority and how much of a majority engage in sexism and control politicking (small p)? You are minimising and dismissing the hierarchies that push all women down everywhere.

No I'm not a man, In a mother of boys, well older teens/ young adult men. If one of them was walking alone and a woman suddenly changed direction and was walking at speed towards them it would cause fear. They would naturally look around and stop so they woman could pass. Being a man doesn't stop you from feeling fear especially if you think someone is following you.

And maybe he doesn’t even give it two seconds thought because he should need to justify his behaviour for just existing. I won’t be telling my dh to modify his running behaviour.

In principle I agree that men should be aware.
I taught both my DSs that women can be anxious about things like this. I know your scenario is different but DS would cross the road rather than approach a woman from behind at night. I am sure they would also try to make it clear they weren't a threat in an isolated wood.
It's a simple thing that boys should be told and men should know.

Don’t be ridiculous. We are talking about violence and sexual assault. You are exaggerating risk massively and ignoring the majority of female views on here. If that isn’t pushing women down I don’t know what is!🤣

Once again the anxiety is not what I'm questioning, that part is understood. I can understand a woman being anxious of being around men in any circumstances and can accept they probably have their reasons. However that's different to apportioning blame to the man for causing their anxiety.
If he had turned and followed her and gotten on her heels quietly I wouldn't be shouting about "oh so now he can't walk in the woods without being called a rapist?" I'd recognise the 15 things he could have done differently and that he should be aware that about facing and creeping up behind a woman even accidentally is going to cause fear.

The question is what part of the man's behavior makes him not a decent man?
What part of the behavior should he have not done at it was intimidating to the OP?

That is the OP's premise.

"any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around."

What is ,"this sort of behavior" and how should be have been aware of it.

If your sons are children, then yes, I get that. But as adult men? Have you spoken to them about why they would fear a woman walking towards them at speed? I have adult sons and a male partner and if they saw a woman walking quickly towards them they'd probably think she needed help or directions or something.

On this level? Nothing.
systemically? Be a good man. Keep trying. Show other boys a good example. Fight for women’s rights. Stop watching porn. Educate yourself

thank you for wanting to be an ally

Sexism....as in discriminating against someone based on their sex, is that not exactly what you are doing to all men everywhere?

Unpopular opinion but I’m much more comfortable around men than women too.

DO let’s keep things in perspective. Men as a group ARE the perpetrators of violence and of sexual violence. They are massively over sexualised. Men as a group have pushed women as a group away from having control over their lives again and again throughout history. The pushback after the world wars was very well documented, but the previous pushes of the Victorians, the 15th century, and of course conquest have been quietly forgotten.

It is happening again now, not that we ever really got equality of job opportunities and pay. Those of us who remember the 90s wi remember the direction of the times and the promises from men that turned to dust the second austerity started. There are attitude surveys from men that show modern men agree in large quantities with inane statements like ‘women’s equality has gone too far’. As if women’s rights and equality are always in the gift of men and can be withdrawn at any time.

These are our fathers, brothers, sons, and our life partners chosen in a different time who lied, as men always do and always have.

It’s discrimination that has a negative impact on the person. Sexism does negatively impact men too.

but op assuming that man might be a rapist and getting away from him didn’t hurt him in any way shape or form

Me too

And as for the women should all be afraid of all men and all men should cross roads because women are such quivering wrecks who can’t ever protect themselves err no thanks. I’m most certainly not teaching my daughters that.

All I can say, op, is to trust your instinct always.
I was attacked in an isolated area. I saw the man earlier and had a really bad feeling and sure enough I was right.
Whatever people believe a man should or shouldn't do to help women feel safer, you did the right thing and employed situational awareness.
Better to be aware of potential threats than walk around thinking it would statistically never happen to you imo.