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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

All men should be aware of this

914 replies

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:08

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:38

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:36

Idk I wasn’t there. She had a gut feeling something was off. He was clearly aware of her. Did he do anything wrong? No. But I honour her feeling and her right to get to safety

She wasn't unsafe!

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:39

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:38

She wasn't unsafe!

No but she felt it. She didn’t harm anyone or infringe on their rights in anyway. She just left the situation.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:40

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:36

Idk I wasn’t there. She had a gut feeling something was off. He was clearly aware of her. Did he do anything wrong? No. But I honour her feeling and her right to get to safety

Why do you keep on and on quoting me saying things we agreed about all along?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:40

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:37

Is that just another way of saying 'be kind'? I'm with the posters who think the media has done a v v good job here of creating a narrative that does far more harm than good. I dont think it's helpful to validate and soothe anyone's 'instincts' if i genuinely think they were way off and OTT. I don't think its unedifying to have robust debate.

What harm has been done though? A Man thought ‘bloody hell, she was weird’ and she posted somewhere he would never see?!

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:40

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 07:57

Not this men. All men.
shes asking for all men to understand why women might be frightened of them in remote places and to be predictable, understanding and non threatening as a response.
not that controversial imho

So your thesis is he shouldnt have opened his bag because thats not predictable? What if he had to stop to get something out of his shoe? What if he needed to stop because he was out of breath? What if he stopped to admire the view? He can't do anything because now a woman is walking towards him and he needs to be predictable? Is that what you are actually saying?

Th30G · 21/03/2026 08:41

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:39

No but she felt it. She didn’t harm anyone or infringe on their rights in anyway. She just left the situation.

That isnt what this thread and her OP is saying.

EdithBond · 21/03/2026 08:41

WalkDontWalk · 21/03/2026 08:34

What should he have done?

This is my point. He’s walking out of the woods, a woman passes him heading towards the woods, then she doubles back and starts gaining ground on him.

Does he speed up so she won’t pass him? Does he stop and talk to her? Does he let her pass him without acknowledgement when he may only be a few steps behind her? Or does he pause and let her pass and get a distance ahead of him?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:41

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:40

Why do you keep on and on quoting me saying things we agreed about all along?

because I thought we were having a conversation but I’ll end it if you don’t want to. I’m pretty certain you quoted me too.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:41

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:39

No but she felt it. She didn’t harm anyone or infringe on their rights in anyway. She just left the situation.

Then had a go at the guy and the lack of consideration of men on social media!

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:42

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:41

Then had a go at the guy and the lack of consideration of men on social media!

Youve just had a go at me for quoting you but then you’re quoting me disagreeing with me again. I’m so confused - are we fellow feminists or not?! Haha

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 21/03/2026 08:42

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 02:08

This thread is actually a good example of why "Trust your instincts" and "Listen to your gut" are such rubbish mantras. Everyone quoting this is forgetting the core fact that OP's instincts were wrong, because the man did precisely nothing to her.

Plus it's a bloody strange instinct that tells you to turn round and start following someone you think might be dangerous to you.

I was just thinking this. Absolutely nothing happened when the man passed her or when she followed him or when she passed him. So whatever instinct the OP has was wrong.
You can trust your instincts as long as you accept they can be wrong.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:42

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:41

because I thought we were having a conversation but I’ll end it if you don’t want to. I’m pretty certain you quoted me too.

A conversation makes new points it doesn't just keep repeating old ones.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:43

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:40

So your thesis is he shouldnt have opened his bag because thats not predictable? What if he had to stop to get something out of his shoe? What if he needed to stop because he was out of breath? What if he stopped to admire the view? He can't do anything because now a woman is walking towards him and he needs to be predictable? Is that what you are actually saying?

No I’ve repeatedly said this man did nothing wrong.
why is it always binary? Why can’t it just be too people with conflicting interests who saw the same situation differently?

NotVashFontaine · 21/03/2026 08:44

He had long hair. Maybe there is missing information about his appearance too.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:44

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:42

Youve just had a go at me for quoting you but then you’re quoting me disagreeing with me again. I’m so confused - are we fellow feminists or not?! Haha

I didn't have a go at you for quoting me, i had a go at you for quoting me in order to repeat exactly the same things you had said before and which I had never disagreed with.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:44

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:42

A conversation makes new points it doesn't just keep repeating old ones.

I’ve lost track of what we’re talking about.
im continually explaining the same thing… what do you expect me to do? I don’t think I want to keep talking to you because I don’t think you know what you think yet

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:46

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:24

Ha! I’d rather be embarassed and wrong than right and ignored my instincts but you do you

It's not just in situations like that the advice is given out. It is on everything, oh husband may be talking to another woman, trust your gut and break up, MIL doesn't seem to like me, trust your gut and go NC.

Instincts are there to give a clue sure but woman are capable of critical thinking and not jsut slavishy going with the first thought in our head.

mildlysweaty · 21/03/2026 08:46

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 08:18

But your post says there were "some women" around.

When I got to the end of the path back in direction I came, well past the guy

OP posts:
CoralOP · 21/03/2026 08:46

I honestly worry about how my gorgeous, kind, sensitive, happy son is supposed to live when he grows up.
How do i explain there will be a huge portion of women who hate him because he was born male, how these women will try and get away from him in the street when he's taking a walk, how he's somehow instantly evil because he has a penis.
I'm glad I really don't come across this discrimination in real life, everyone I know, male and female live together, have plesent chit chats in the street, work together, socialise together and I really don't see any of this fear and hatred generally.
I was just saying to my husband yesterday I wonder if they are still bringing in the teaching in school for boys to be respectful and meanwhile my 11 year old came in to tell us about the 3rd fight of the week, all girls, all fist fighting, swearing, bullying but for some reason my son, who would run away crying his eyes out at the thought of trouble is going to be taught to respect these girls, it's fucking insane.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:47

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:44

I’ve lost track of what we’re talking about.
im continually explaining the same thing… what do you expect me to do? I don’t think I want to keep talking to you because I don’t think you know what you think yet

You don't think I know what I think? I think that I don't think I could have been any clearer. But if you don't understand what I've written and want to, please ask me the questions you don't feel I've answered.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 21/03/2026 08:48

Outdoors, in an empty space where there are just two people to be seen, and one is walking "a few feet" behind the other, I would describe them as "walking together".

If I was the person walking in front, and the other person had passed me going the opposite way and moments later I had glanced behind to find that they were "a few feet" behind me, and walking the same direction as me, I would describe them as "following me". I would definitely be alarmed, and I would want to find a way of putting distance between us... probably by stopping to rummage in my bag and letting them pass me.

There is also no way thay I would turn and walk the same way as another walker just after passing them. Even if I had decided I'll turn around and walk back once I reach that tree, or whatever. I would wait for them to be oit of sight, because otherwise they might see me and think I'm following them. OP is the one behaving oddly here!

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:48

twentyeightfishinthepond · 21/03/2026 08:32

It’s been a bit on an unsympathetic pile on. Unedifying.

I think most of it has been sympathetic while questioning what the alternative is. Not everything where there is disagreement is a pile on

TheSunjustcameout · 21/03/2026 08:49

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:21

I was several feet behind, he wouldn’t have heard me. He looked back and then stopped almost straight away and no he didn’t reach for the water bottle which was in the side pocket of his bag. It was odd, and felt dodgy. In my OP I said I often do this walk (3 years now) and never felt like that or had someone just stop in their tracks - the men (and women) usually carry on in their direction. Yes I turned around because I was walking in the direction of the woods and wanted to get closer to the village again - I didn’t think he would stop, and I was several feet behind him.

All men know they are threatening to women on their own or in a remote place etc. They should adjust their behaviour to make a woman less anxious not more. The ones who do the opposite get off on it. They're pricks.

Always trust your instinct around men.
It's millions of years of internalized knowledge.

Anyone telling you different is an idiot or malicious.

Smeegall · 21/03/2026 08:50

Men should be aware but I'm not sure there's anything he could do or say.

Maybe he could have said: "heeeyy queen!!!"

MoFadaCromulent · 21/03/2026 08:50

As a man I am absolutely none the wiser from this thread and posters supporting the OP as to what I am expected to do in the situation the man found himself in to alleviate the fear my presence could cause.

if I'm walking in the woods and a woman approaches me from behind, walking faster than me and I only become aware of her when she is a few feet from me.

I should speed up so she can't pass me even though all available evidence would say she is trying to pass me by?
If she does overtake me I should make sure that I get back ahead of her which would require walking very fast begins her?

Dark road at night, our running in the woods and approaching a woman from behind, under pass at night, all those are clear enough. middle of the day and woman choosing to walk quickly close behind me ? Not a clue what people who think he should have acted differently want other than not be there or has been suggested don't walk behind her (he wasn't) and maintain distance to make her feel safe (she unilaterally chose to close the distance which he was completely unaware of until she was within a few feet of him).

OP having her spidey sense and acting on it, no problem whatever makes her feel safe. Saying that the unread was somehow due to the man's lack of awareness or consideration to how women might fear men, baffled given all the decisions she made