All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

Nobody else was there @mildlysweaty. If you felt uncomfortable then you made the right decision.

We've already agreed that.

What you are not agreeing is how unreasonable it was of her to complain about his behaviour as if he did something wrong.

Regarding him continuing to walk ahead, have you read how irritating I find it to have someone walking close behind me? I will always stop and let them pass me. He may have the same over sensitivity to that situation.

Ha! I’d rather be embarassed and wrong than right and ignored my instincts but you do you

Idk I’m struggling to see the harm from this discussion. We’re discussing how best to make women feel safe: she’s giving feedback about a situation.

Have you read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, it's a great book around how our body senses threat before we intellectually understand it because we are socialised to be polite etc etc but I think you might have experienced this. Sure it could be innocent on his part but there was something about how things unfolded that got your senses sensing threat.

Also there are sick arseholes out there that get a kick out of being subtly intimidating to women. I don't think you are unreasonable at all and sorry you had to experience that.

Because yes NAMALT... But it's hard to know who is safe and who isn't based on actual facts you know about them which is minimal. So we really on interpretations and whilst we could give them the benefit of doubt, historically we know women have lost their lives for giving those interpretations the benefit of doubt or socially sugar coating their survival instincts...

But she closed the distance on him.

If I'm walking and someone is walking at a faster pace behind me my instinct is never going to be "they definitely do not want to be in front of me under any circumstances" the natural conclusion is they're walking faster than me so they're going to pass me out.

The second instinct is going to be "I don't want to be walking on their heels I'll stop to give them some distance"

I’m very sympathetic to this point OP. But in this situation maybe he was trying to do the right thing by stopping and letting you pass? If he had meant you harm, he’d have been more likely to turn and follow you after you first passed each other and follow you in the direction of the woods. Instead, he’s noticed you’ve changed direction and let you pass him (by stopping to look in his bag) so he’s not between you and the woods.

You have anxiety and have completely lost perspective. At least realise that this is anxiety.

But she started following him? That is the odd behaviour in this scenario! If someone starts following you isn't it normal to be a bit wary?

Yes, we should hope men will take reasonable steps to put women at ease in certain situations, but they do have their own lives to lead.

In this situation, a man is walking in the woods when a woman starts to follow him. According to the OP, the only reasonable way forward for that man is seemingly to continue walking without hesitation or faltering until the woman has returned to a populated area.

Which essentially means men shouldn’t leave populated areas alone, otherwise any chance meeting with a woman would require him to return immediately, without so much stopping for a sip of water.

I’ve explained why I think she did it a few times.
it makes sense to know where the predator is when you’re in prey mode. So they can’t sneak up on you and surprise you. She chose to change directions and I think this was why.

I agree with your general point, OP. Though not quite sure how a man makes a woman at ease. If he looks at her and nods, he could still be dodgy. Most women would still be wary if there was only her and him on a woodland path or a dark alley. And would be worried giving him a smile in case he got the wrong idea.

But on this occasion, maybe he thought you were dodgy - as you passed him then doubled back and followed him. Sounds like he felt uncomfortable you were behind him and stopped to let you pass on the pretext of getting something out of his bag.

But she's not giving feedback. She didn't speak to him. We're on a women's forum. Most men are not aware just how anxious and jumpy some women are. This man may well think he did the right thing and has no way of knowing she felt otherwise.

It’s been a bit on an unsympathetic pile on. Unedifying.

With every respect, I think this is bollocks. My gut told me I had to turn left out of the station yesterday when I was going somewhere I hadn't been to before. Fortunately I ignored it and checked the map, and I definitely didn't regret it.

Look at all the people who get killed and injured in road accidents. Clearly their guts are utterly useless in that scenario.

Also what’s the desperation to keep saying OP has anxiety? Im
wondering if it’s bots.

She blamed him for completely harmless behaviour, and I don't like seeing people criticised when they have done nothing whatsoever wrong.

This discussion is had at regular intervals about situations where men really should be thinking twice, like walking behind a woman down an otherwise empty road.

If the example given was read by men it would, imo, achieve the opposite of the objective because it is so completely unreasonable to suggest that the man discussed should have changed his behaviour.

Well idk I think we’re discussing is it reasonable and what level of expectation is reasonable. We’ve all got sons or/and husbands we can make aware of it.
i don’t think it’s just some women either. I think all women can name a situation where something has just felt odd and they can’t say what or why.

What should he have done?

But if everyone had wholeheartedly supported OP and torn this man apart, it would be even more unedifying, as it would be totally unjustified on the facts. Seriously, how does it help anyone to tell women they should be afraid of men in this scenario?

All the man did was look in his bag. That's it. You changed direction, not his fault. You thought he was woman because of his hair, again not his fault. What was he supposed to do? Suddenly not exist? Everything was in your head. He had every right to walk where is wanted and every right to look in his bag

Its not a gut thing if someone wont walk in a woods near a town in the day time

Idk I wasn’t there. She had a gut feeling something was off. He was clearly aware of her. Did he do anything wrong? No. But I honour her feeling and her right to get to safety

Tell us exactly what this man should have done then

Is that just another way of saying 'be kind'? I'm with the posters who think the media has done a v v good job here of creating a narrative that does far more harm than good. I dont think it's helpful to validate and soothe anyone's 'instincts' if i genuinely think they were way off and OTT. I don't think its unedifying to have robust debate.