All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

I don’t think she was unreasonable and I don’t think he was either.
she had a primal instinct something wasn’t safe and went into prey brain mode. I don’t think she was wrong to honour that instinct. Changing direction makes sense as she can see where he is and what he’s doing. He stopped, showing he was aware of her. So I don’t think she was wrong to honour that instinct.
on the flip side, as many have said, he might have been trying to let her pass, trying to make her feel more at ease.
no one unreasonable or horrible in this situation, nobody was disrespectful or rude.

It sounds like he was being sensitive by stopping and fiddling with his backpack while you overtook him and went on your way.

Nice diagram - but I think I must have an almost complete absence of spidey senses as a man (or other person) stopping and rummaging through his backpack wouldn’t have registered. I haven’t led a particularly charmed life but I don’t automatically assume that man rummaging in backpack = Ted Bundy or Mega Creep or Out to Do Me Harm.

I take your point though that men should be aware of how their behaviours may affect women (and sadly, young black men in particular tend to be only too aware of this - old racist tropes die hard 😔 ).

However, I don’t think a man rummaging in his backpack is a behaviour that needs to be abstained from

I'm a woman with kids. But i guess im just not weak and scared enough for you.

I am trying to teach my daughter to trust her gut but also that most people are good. It's a hard balance but I think it's worth it. I don't want her to be so fearful when she goes out or overly modifying her life because she's a woman.

The behaviour wasn't the problem. Blaming him for his blameless behaviour was.

I voted yanbu because the broader question you ask is in relation to men understanding how their behaviour impacts the thoughts and feelings of a lone female who is more vulnerable than men really ever need to consider.

However, the specific instance you refer to wouldn't make me feel this way, so yabu to flag his behaviour as odd when it doesn't sound like it was. In fact, unless I'm massively misunderstanding something, your behaviour sounds more strange than his.

She’s not blaming him, she’s giving feedback.
Stopping and letting her pass made her feel more vulnerable as she had to be close to him and lose sight of him again, which scared her more.
If I was a man reading this, I’d be going ah ok, I won’t do that then. why is that so unreasonable?

Yes, i wondered this.

With respect (I'm 67), being an older woman in the vicinity of an unknown man is a very different experience from being a younger woman.

'Men are afraid women will laugh at them: women are afraid men will kill them.'

So what do you think this particular man, the one whose behaviour motivated the OP to srart this thread, should have done differently?

But this poor man was predictable and non-threatening. All he did was to walk past OP. It was OP who became unpredictable and threatening by turning round and following him.

Sadly it's nonsense to say that the thread is unhinged. These stats are based on reported crimes. Read the real stats and they tell a very different story.

Trust your instincts.

However I regret that harmless men need to make preemptive moves so a female can feel safe on a walk.

@mildlysweatyhow do you think he felt when he sensed someone he had just walked past look back at him and then suddenly turn around and start walking back towards him?

his behaviour suggests he may have been suspicious of your abnormal behaviour and was stopping to test your reaction and thus identify if you were a threat to him or not.

It is unreasonable to stop and let someone who's dogging your doorstep pass?

Not on my planet.

Why should he be forced to walk faster than he wants to or ro have a stranger match pace with him only a few feet behind him?

That is not a reasonable request.

But your post says there were "some women" around.

Have you read all my posts?
My opinion is quite nuanced.
however in a perfect world with hindsight the least threatening thing was - not even noticing her, continuing to walk ahead so she can keep her own distance

All I have to say here is always, always trust your gut. It's there for a reason. Who cares if it turns out to be false.

The situations I have regretted through life are when I ignored it. As you get older you begin to recognise what it is and how powerful it is.

i said he wasn’t unreasonable and neither was she. They both had different responses to the same situation and as neither was disrespectful or insulting nobody was particularly being unreasonable

As someone who likes miles alone, including isolated woods, mountain walks and inner city. You need to stop blaming men for being places and looking in their bags!

Absolutely, it's one of the.most frustrating thing in here. Instead of giving women the credit of being able to do some critical thinking it is always "trust your gut" like that is gospel.

Should men be aware of women's concerns when walking? Yes

Did this man do anything wrong? No

Was OP the one who behaved oddly? Yes

But this man walked on. The only thing he didn't do was nod, but then it could well simply be that he was deep in thought about something complicated. And he carried on harmlessly walking on even after the strange woman he passed turned around and passed him again.

I absolutely know what you mean when you say women are on high alert around men in certain situations. However, I think this guy was just minding his own business. He walked past you maybe he specifically waited until he past you to get the object from his bag but then you went that direction. We don't know. But we can't demonise men for getting something out of their bag.

Very, very well said. My pet theory is that it's the way other people's misery is served up - and voraciously consumed - as ghoulish entertainment these days that is in large part responsible for the mindset the OP displays. Doomscrolling on social media, every grizzly murder turned into a true crime podcast, the Daily Mail etc amplifying anything bad that ever happens anywhere, loads of MNers telling each other that there could be a rapist/murdered behind every bush so it's sensible to be scared of everything...if you pay attention to all that for too long it can lead you to a bad place. We're apparently at the point where not only are women supposed to be worried when a man follows them (which is sensible), but they're now supposed to be worried when they deliberately follow a man, and it's all the man's fault. It's just mad.