All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

You’re never going to convince everyone. What you did seems pretty rational to me.
and I don’t think you’re asking for much that men be mindful and centre someone else’s feelings for a change.

I don't think he did anything wrong. I don't like people, male or female, walking near me and would either stop or speed up. And if I wanted to open my bag I would.

Maybe he was wary that you were possibly following HIM so stopping on the pretence of allowing you to pass? Just because he had long hair doesn’t make him a sexual deviant or attacker. If you were that scared why were you following two feet behind him?

My autistic 20 year old goes for walks randomly. The other day it was 10.30pm so I reminded him if he sees a lone woman, steer clear cos he might freak her out (he's 6ft 4 and 20 stone but wouldn't hurt a fly, but she wouldn't know that)

I mean since he's a man and not men, maybe he'd been centering other people's feelings all day? I guess we'll never know.

As an aside, maybe I'm just really old now but this LA therapy speak is awful.

Exactly my thoughts and attitude too. I’ve never been afraid to walk in woods or anywhere on my own. We are on this planet for a short time, enjoy it!

Im not a therapist lol
but talking about men in general, not this man in particular. Is it that big of a deal for men to accept that some of their class have traumatised women and there are consequences to that behaviour? That women might be uneasy in remote places with a man they don’t know and to think ah, I like other human beings and want to cooperate with them. I won’t scare this woman.

in this case I have discussed his suspected motives at length with someone else and said he wasn’t being unreasonable either, that they both had rational and reasonable responses in the situation.

Tbf I think most people are fine with the principle of men should be considerate of women in public spaces and also that if you feel like something is wrong then get yourself out of the situation because even though it may be unlikely that something would happen it's better safe than sorry.

The issue is the example the OP has presented and the premise that this man should have acted in some way differently and all men should know how to act in that scenario when to most of us I don't know what he could have done that would have been the correct course of action. This is exemplified by the amount of posters who have stated that he should not be walking behind her which he wasn't and that he should have kept his distance, which he didn't have the opportunity to do because he didn't even know the OP was walking the same direction and gaining on him from behind.

I was on this thread about to comment, the page refreshed automatically and I somehow ended up on a different thread so posted this there by accident- weird! Anyway here it is…

I’m a bit confused. You passed him going in the opposite direction and he made you feel a bit weird so you turned around and started following him? He then stopped to get something out of his bag and you think this means what exactly? That he was carrying some sort of weapon ready to attack women who had decided to follow him? He was probably getting a snack out or his phone or AirPods or something…

In the kindest way, maybe you’re struggling with anxiety.

He also likely turned back because HIS spidey senses were tingling and he realised someone was following him. Men have instincts too.

I cannot believe the misogynist responses you're getting here OP. Describing the fear of male violence as "frothing". (There's been a massive uptick in really regressive, divisive misogynist posting on MN, especially at night. Probably a wank game for some. Maybe a political thing for others).

Or the frankly racist implication that being wary of the sex which commits well over 90% of all violent and sex crimes is like having a bias against black people. What the actual fuck?

Many women (1 in 4?) are wary of men because they've already experienced male sexual violence. Trauma reactions happen outside of conscious awareness. And regardless of life history, it is hardwired into women to check their surroundings as they go about the world. This has been scientifically demonstrated.

The vast majority of these rapes, sexual assaults and harassments aren't reported, even less secure convictions. It's hardly surprising that women don't trust the police and don't want to go through a re traumatising court experience.

So yes I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask men to consider their impact on women as they move around the world. How is it any different to other ways in which we treat the people we live amongst with tolerance and respect?

That just sounds crazy to be honest. Asking a man who's out for a quiet stroll in the woods to centre the feelings of a person he can't see who's walking behind him. What about allowing him to have his own stress- busting walk in peace?

This whole thread sounds a bit paranoid. Vanishingly few women are attacked by strangers on a well used country path. The overwhelming danger to women is from their partners and their exes, 2 killed a week by them.

You changed direction and started walking behind him too close. He heard footsteps of someone following him closely behind (a few feet you say which is creepy behaviour by you). He didn’t know it was a woman at that point him which made him want to turn around and see who it was.
He stopped to let you pass because he didn’t want someone stalking him a few feet behind, woman or otherwise.

From the way you have described it - it is you who needs to learn some waking in the woods etiquette.

How was he to know you were a woman (not a mugger) until he turned and looked?

Get a fucking grip OP.

Man stops on path and opens backpack? Really?

Let's also be clear - you turned around and started following him!!

Not this men. All men.
shes asking for all men to understand why women might be frightened of them in remote places and to be predictable, understanding and non threatening as a response.
not that controversial imho

I hope your livelihood doesn't depend on reading comprehension.

There’s nothing misogynistic about it. They crossed paths, OP got a weird feeling about him for no real reason so she turned to start following him which might have made him feel a bit freaked out tbh. I think I would if I crossed paths with someone then a few minutes later realised they’d turned around to follow me? His crime was stopping to get something out of his bag… we know nothing about the man, he might have been attacked in the past.

Other than not being there I dont see what he could have done differently?
Considering you kept going the other way and he hadnt turned to also go that way it doesnt sound like there was anything suspicious.
Maybe he noticed you seemed anxious and let you pass to help with that.

Absolutely spot on.

This thread is unhinged.

Poor bloke is probably posting on local social media about weird woman following him in the woods. My DH has anxiety and would get very worried if someone turned around and followed him.

However, I have been walking late in town for the last bus and seen men walking that look under the influence or a bit sinister and I have legged it to be on the safe side. In the day to a fellow walker,I would have said hello. It's about the time of day and your own physical capability. You would be fine to leave the area as you feel threatened, it is not fine to follow people who have done nothing.

I sympathise with feeling anxious in this situation, you must have been so worried and I’d say men should be aware if their behaviour could be seen as frightening for women. (Not sure if this applies to the bloke you met.)

However - you chose to come past this man twice!! Why would you give someone the chance to get to you from a close range - if they really meant harm. Secondly, you ventured into an area that you clearly feel anxious about and where there might not be immediate help available - why do that if you know there will be other strangers walking those trails?

No comment on whether or not the man did anything wrong as I can’t see how his behaviour was threatening but appreciate the OP was frightened.

Exactly this! It’s not ok to follow and accuse somebody going about their business. Op does not have some god given priority re scenic routes either.

There's nothing controversial in that but she's asking it in the specific context of a situation where SHE caused the problems. That's downright unreasonable, men do not have eyes in the back of their heads.

Isn’t it! Uttter madness.

But YOU were the one who behaved oddly! I'd be spooked if someone changed direction to walk behind me!

I genuinely don't understand why you think that he was doing anything wrong.

Yep, you’re still totally bonkers.

The poor guy.