All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

I was going to say the same, as an excuse for giving Gavin de Becker's indispensable book another plug:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A

His point is that we've spent two million years evolving shit-hot instincts for very good reasons. We should honour them, and we should 'train' them by using observation and learning. He uses an example of someone being nervous about getting in a lift with a black man.

The person should always act on their inner warnings, but would be wise to recognise that they're being influenced by social messaging in this case. A lift passenger of any colour who is somehow out of place and 'wrong' would be the one to avoid.

He's a really interesting person, not some lifestyle guru influencer. Video:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JoeRogan/comments/ttyp9k/1800_gavin_de_becker_the_joe_rogan_experience/

But how would she know without knowing him? What if you are that unlucky person and you ignore your instincts and you die?
you can be risky with your life and safety - doesn’t mean everyone else has to.

I love this book.
he also talks about the difference and if you’ve ever been in a life threatening situation you soon learn. The instinct is quiet and calm and you fucking listen.

By the law of averages most men will be working and not the slightest bit interested. You may want to live in fear watching your back every 5 minutes but I frankly don’t want me, my daughters, sons or husband to.

So crack on yourself but in answer to the thread the op is being ridiculous.

That's 63% of convictions.

I'm sure I don't need to remind you how very few sexual assaults, rapes and street robberies are [a] reported; [b] investigated; [c] prosecuted; [d] convicted.

By the time you get to [d] it's a tiny percent of vanishingly few.

I don’t live in fear but if I have an instinct I honour that and I don’t rationalise it. There is a difference.

That book sounds racist.

So you do that but the entire male population does not have to watch their every step everyone they go out for a walk and neither do women.

It’s really not.
he talks about the difference between instincts and prejudice at length and how to check and rationalise it.

I think it’s a shame you don’t want to live in a mindful cooperative society where we treat others how we would like to be treated but you do you and I’ll do me.

I agree - back in the day men were taught how to behave around lone women eg cross the road rather than follow or pass close but those days are long gone. People in public now are generally more focused on their own rights and entitlement to do as they please and would almost feel affronted at the thought of having to take anyone else into account.

You absolutely do not know that , I do,however I can separate hysterical frothing with reality.

OP this is unreasonable, I would have done the same as him - stop, check you aren't about to be in anyone's way while you get something out of your bag, if no one is around I then carry on if someone is I look for somewhere less in their way.

Unreasonable to expect men to adapt to every little worry you have. Don't walk where you are afraid.

Yes I agree she is free to do this but the man is not obliged to then do anything but carry on as he was. He cannot be aware of how she is feeling or be expected to adapt his behaviour.

I explain this stuff to my husband too. Don’t walk too closely behind someone, cross the road if you want to overtake etc. It’s little things that can potentially make a woman/girl feel safer.

He may well have been stopping to let her pass but that does mean that she’s then in front of him and he could directly follow her. That would enter my head and I’m not a fearful or anxious person but I am more cautious around strange men in more remote places. In a crowded high street I wouldn’t worry in the same way.

Yes, stranger attacks are more unusual and yes you’re more likely to be attacked and killed by your intimate partner but they do still happen.

I also agree about trusting your instincts.

"I was several feet behind, he wouldn’t have heard me."

But she closed the distance on him and quietly got closer to him to the point of being within a few feet of him.

That's not keeping someone in your line of sight out of precaution.

She's purposely walking faster than him, quietly to the point he's unaware of her until she's within a very short distance, if he upon seeing her sped up his pace to keep ahead of her and not let a lone woman who was walking faster than him at this point pass him as she would appear to want that's way weirder.

Most men aren’t going to attack you. How would this man know he’d better not stop walking at any point whilst a woman is around? Ffs you’re being ridiculous! You can’t live your life like that. He isn’t the problem here.

How could he keep more distance when she was walking behind him (after she had turned to follow him)?

I can't abide people walking "several feet behind me". I will always stop and let that person pass or speed up to increase the distance of I'm physical capable that day.

I can't see what this man did wrong, you were walking far too close to him. It's an open space not an escalator on the underground.

Adding a diagram as a few don’t seem to understand why I didn’t keep going into the ether and assume I was right behind the guy

You may want to live in fear watching your back every 5 minutes but I frankly don’t want to

I've lived my life on the principle that I will not be constrained by patriarchal terror tactics (I won't go into that definition on this thread). I've travelled half the world by myself, walked everywhere at night by myself, and had some incredible adventures.

All the same I did turn down some opportunities a man would've been able to consider (notably, going into the jungle for an ayahuasca ceremony with three guys I'd only just met), and am still pissed off that the risk, as a woman, was too high on those occasions.

I should also point out that I've been sexually assaulted and raped more than the average English woman, have had to jump out of moving cars, been robbed and beaten up, and have talked down many would-be rapists including one who had a knife at my throat.

My choice and I don't regret it. But you won't catch me pretending it's all warm and fluffy out there. I'm not that fucking stupid.

She turned and followed him!

Nope even with the diagram I am not sure what he is supposed to have done wrong.

with where he stopped my biggest guess would be he was checking directions so he knew which way to go!

You were too close unless you are walking faster than him and overtaking him. If you walked behind me at that distance at my pace, then I would have looked over my shoulder and stopped until you had gone past me. I hate people dogging my footsteps.

Are you a nervous type, young in your 20s?

I'm a 59 year old woman and have never lived my life in fear and I damn well am not going to start now!

If you read the above paragraph that you wrote, this is totally based on your perception of the situation.

Mine would have been totally different. I may have gone up to him and started a conversation. I know I would have smiled and said 'Good Afternoon' just out of general politeness. He may have thought, 'OMG! I've now got this chatty old bag ruining my walk in the woods' or he may have welcomed the opportunity to talk to someone and we may have had an interesting conversation. Either way the last thing I would have thought is that this man is going to harm or kill me because statistically speaking I probably have greater odds at being killed by a car on the way to the shops, than by a stranger in the woods. Yes, it does happen but it is probably one in a million chance.

A life full of fear is such a wasted one. I grew up in the 70s and my generation of women were taught that we were just as good as men and to get on with it.