Dss girlfriend staying over

[Blankscreen]

Dss (22) has recently got a girlfriend (19) she seems nice enough.

Last week dss asked DH if she could stay on Friday. DH said yes.. she was then here all day Saturday until about 5 pm. They did eventually go to her house and stay there Saturday night.

He saw her again Sunday and they went to his mum's for mothers day.

Last night she stayed again and then tonight she appeared again after they'd been to the gym together.

He cooked her dinner (I had already done his) and they sat on the sofa giggling whilst DD and I were watching TV.

I've just been in the bathroom and she has left her gunky tooth brush on the sink 😤. She's just gone home.

I'm not gonna lie I'm finding it irritating her being here all the time. I just want to chill out at home and not have to make small talk or have the dogs going nuts.

Not sure if I am being a grumpy cow saying it's too much.

How would you feel if it was the partner of your own child?

If that's the worst she's done is leave a toothbrush out then you are ok.

You need to set boundaries.

She can only stay one night every other weekend.

And they clean up their mess every time. Skanks.

Who cleaned up after DSS cooked dinner?

I don't think she is a partner! They've been dating for about 2 weeks.

Probably similarly irritated.

He's 22, and it's his home too. As long as they are respectful, clean up after themselves (one gunky toothbrush isn't a big deal) and she doesn't stay every single night, then I don't think it should be much of a problem. If they are disturbing you when watching tv, then tell them to be quiet, or ask that they go to his room.

She’s not ok, it’s her home, not a doss house for other teens.

If he isn’t paying market rent then he doesn’t decide how often his gf can stay, no.

But she has been here every night/day since Friday.

I don't want it to become normalised.

Tbh if she is here all evening then it make no difference as to whether she stays or leaves at 11:30!

If he isn’t paying market rent then he doesn’t decide how often his gf can stay, no

I disagree - my adult children are allowed to have girlfriends/boyfriends over - it's their home too, even if they don't pay market rent. I want them feel welcome in their own home. But they are good kids, and don't make much noise/mess. If they did, then it might be a different matter.

So do you let boyfriends/girlfriends stay or come over every night?

Yes, if that's what they wanted to do. But generally they split their time between our home and hers - but they are together about 4 or 5 nights a week.

Your husband needs to tell his son that his girlfriend is not to be in your home every day. Dating two weeks is ridiculous for her to be staying at all. It's your family home with your daughter in it too.

A 22 year old man who wants to have his girlfriend there all the time can move out and get his own house.

Ok so together 4 or 5 nights a week is fine if it's going to be split. 2ish nights a week.

So far, since and including Friday i've had 5 nights of it.

And who pays for their food?

Not everyone can afford to feed extra mouths every night.

I wouldn’t like your set up, OP is allowed to want her home to be a sanctuary.

My kids buy and cook their own food, on the whole. Unless we pre-arrange a family dinner, but even then, the girlfriends are welcome to join as long as we know in advance. Sometimes my kids will go and eat at their partners families houses, so it all works out in the end.

If the OP really doesn't want them there, then her DH will need to have a word, and perhaps suggest the girlfriend stays just a couple of times a week. That's up to them - I just know that I don't have a problem with my kids having their partners over to stay - as I said, it's their home too.

My DSS' girlfriend is over at our house a lot. If they spend time together it is usually here, rather than her parents' house.

She often stays here even while he's at work.

It doesn't bother me at all and if I needed quiet I'd just go read in my room. But we have a large house - 6 bedrooms, a loft, 2 living rooms, 3 bathrooms. It would probably be harder in a small house.

When my adult DS was still at home, I would not have wanted his girlfriend staying. I was already dropping large hints about him moving out.

We aren’t obliged to have their girlfriend’s staying over. It was my home, my sanctuary and after working long shifts as a nurse, I wanted peace and quiet. I didn’t want to share my comfy sofa with anyone and I didn’t want my kitchen messed up.

Fortunately my DS moved out and got a flat share. It was the best thing for both of us.

Stand your ground @Blankscreen it’s your home. You don’t have to share it with his girlfriend.

I think it's pretty typical for the age to with many young adults living at home, it's normal for them to want to spend lots of time together. once they've been together a while they might get their own place too. How old is your DD? What will you want for her in future?

I'd say no to sleepovers. Old enough to want a sleep over = old enough to get own place.
You're not flat mates ...

We only allow overnighter at the weekend and coupled with that, I have told them not to be hanging around the house all day because I’ll get fed up with it really quickly. Ds has pushed back on the mid week stays several times but I’ve stood firm - I need my privacy and space. There will be no co- habitating by stealth in my house!

You didnt say this in your op. I voted yabu. But now i think yanbu.

2 weeks, i think thats shocking. I wouldnt allow sleepovers until at least 3 months of dating and ensuring they both were treating each other well and proper relationship.

I dont support casual sex. She is young at 19 and doesnt need adults normalising staying with a new guy after only 2 weeks.

I think your dh was massively in the wrong here and should have had a strong chat with dss about his intentions with the teen girl and how she deserves to be treated for a few months first.

A bit sick to be honest that your dh has basically agreed for a teen girl to sleepover with his adult son after only 2 weeks 🤮 how utterly grim and I'd be disgusted with him and made sure he knew. He spunds like a man with very low standards and respect for women and is teaching your dss to be the same.

Id be very unhappy at dh judgement here about the 19 year old teen girl and dss lack of standards.

Poor 19 year old girl with all these adult normalising on the floor low standards to her and your only pissed off about her toothbrush?

She has two parents that she lives with.

I think it is their place to speak to their daughter about what is appropriate.

I'm not sure my DH is to blame here on that front.

Women are already being told plenty about what's appropriate. We are not the problem. Men are. They need to be told, preferably, by their father as well as their mates
Because being told something by a wider society seems to do jack shit for protecting women.

I don't necessarily see an issue with them dating or in having casual sex. I just take issue with the fact that it's the girls patents' job to warn her of dangers rather than man's parents' job to teach him what's acceptable behaviour.

Time for some rules - one weekend overnight a week, no mess.

And I agree with others that it’s too early and best to avoid a potential stream of casual shags after this.