Dss girlfriend staying over

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Dss (22) has recently got a girlfriend (19) she seems nice enough.

Last week dss asked DH if she could stay on Friday. DH said yes.. she was then here all day Saturday until about 5 pm. They did eventually go to her house and stay there Saturday night.

He saw her again Sunday and they went to his mum's for mothers day.

Last night she stayed again and then tonight she appeared again after they'd been to the gym together.

He cooked her dinner (I had already done his) and they sat on the sofa giggling whilst DD and I were watching TV.

I've just been in the bathroom and she has left her gunky tooth brush on the sink 😤. She's just gone home.

I'm not gonna lie I'm finding it irritating her being here all the time. I just want to chill out at home and not have to make small talk or have the dogs going nuts.

Not sure if I am being a grumpy cow saying it's too much.

That’s the price you pay - our young adults live with us rent free but there are rules - not many but we have our boundaries and we expect them to stick to those rules. They have the choice to stay and save or go and pay rent - I made the choice to move out because I couldn’t live under my parents rules - I didn’t blame my parents for not adjusting to my demands - we wanted to live a different lifestyle to them, everyone has a right to not have other lifestyles imposed on them.

Dh should have said no at the beginning as early relationship - 2w is not living /sleeping together

if been a few months slightly diff

but yes rules. One weekend and maybe 1 week night so 2 nights to stay

We said once ours DDs were over 18 they could have bfs stop once they were in a relationship (as opposed to dating) and we had met them several times. Tbh both went to uni so wasn’t much of an issue until they came back. Younger dd did have one bf that stopped a handful of times. Both are in long term relationships eldest moved out last year with her bf. They use to stay 2-3 nights with us and 3-4 at bfs. Youngest is moving out soon they stay with us around 4-5 nights a week. We have got close to both partners now having known them both around 5 years so are comfortable with them. It did feel a bit weird at first and took some getting use to.
For a early stage relationship like your dss I’d say a couple nights a week is plenty.

They have the choice to stay and save or go and pay rent - I made the choice to move out because I couldn’t live under my parents rules

That’s the thing though, isn’t it? - for many young adults, it’s very difficult to just move out. Rent is proportionally much greater than it was when I was a young adult - and once they start paying rent, saving for a deposit to buy can be near impossible. Times have changed, young adults live at home for much longer than in previous generations. As a result, I don’t think that the rules our parents enforced are necessarily the rules that we should be enforcing today,

Your H needs to tell his son, that when he asked if gf could come over one night, it is not every night. That you )both) do not want to spend every evening with a stranger. She needs to clear up after herself, & its not a free canteen.
There has to be a comfortable middle ground.
Remember she may become DIL! so try to adapt !

You should enforce whatever rules make you happy, no need to be slaves to your kids needs -everyone has choices, our kids earn enough to rent in the same way I did - they have good jobs. It’s our house, our rules, they aren’t our parents rules (sorry if I confused you) they are our rules - the things we need to happen to allow us to be happy in our house - we’re entitled to that!

our kids earn enough to rent in the same way I did - they have good jobs

It’s just not the same though, is it? Rent now, compared to, say, 30 years ago is proportionally well over double compared to wages - it’s not as simple for many to say “just move out then”.

no need to be slaves to your kids needs

It’s not about being slaves to their needs, it’s about having compromises where everyones needs are met. I want my kids to feel like my house is also their home. They are adults, and as long as they are quiet and respectful, I have no problem with them bringing home someone they are in a relationship with.

DH ended up telling ds last night.

They came back again last night for dinner and were then heading over to her house. Why the need to stop here to eat is beyond me when she lives about 15 minutes away.

So that is every night for the last week.

Dss then asked if she can stay over tonight (Friday) and DH said no, its too much etc etc etc.

Dss appeared to accept this so we will see what happens.

You and your DH need to be clear with him about how many sleepovers a week is acceptable rather than just keep saying no.

Set it at 2 a week and then you don’t need to keep having the same conversation.

Just tell him one or two nights a week maximum, and no she can’t come for dinner every night. He’s taking the mick and probably have a new girlfriend in a few months!

Great!🙄

I feel so sorry for young adults raised without boundaries or respect for their homes.
I have 4 adult children and our large urban house is the go to house as we live in a university city where 3 of mine attend.
The children regularly have friends over to use our large godsend Den with ensuite, after nights out.
Another son visits with his girlfriend and my girls still have sleepovers with their friends🙄.

However, we are ALWAYS asked beforehand and checked with, if it is ok.
Basic manners.

I certainly wouldn't be entertaining my sons bringing back girls of two weeks to stay, not a chance.
Neither would they think the kitchen is theirs to just start cooking in.
Again a conversation would bd had.

This isn't Halls.
Mind you my son's wouldn't dream of not asking either, they know better, thankfully.

I think a compromise is fair.
A couple of nights a week seems reasonable to me. If they want more than that it's time to get their own place.
I don't get the idea some posters have that you wouldn't allow it at all or would somehow vet the relationship beforehand. Seems a bit infantalising - I'd actively want my son/daughter to meet someone at that age, it's the next step on the way to moving out. They're not 16 year olds.
But equally fine to want your own space too. I think you've handled it well so far op.

I agree that they should check that it’s ok beforehand - we’ve had that conversation with my kids, and they know I’m ok with it, so they no longer need to check on each occasion. They also know to not push it and bring huge numbers of friends over - one or two is fine as long as they don’t disturb us. I have no problem with them using the kitchen in their own home - they don’t need permission as such - but they are polite kids and always check when we might need the kitchen first, and they always tidy up after themselves.

It works for us, because we are all grownups, can communicate, and are respectful of each others needs.

I know quite a few long suffering parents who now have an adult dc’s partner living with them, it happened by stealth and they don’t feel they can easily reverse it, without causing a lot of friction. I’d rather have the boundaries in place to avoid awkward conversations. My home is my sanctuary - having a permanent guest it not something I could happily live with - someone would have to move out and obviously that would not be me!

I’m sure she’d feel differently, as you know, which is fine as it isn’t her child!

I know of a few where the possibility was raised because they couldn't afford a flat and the family home was large-ish and so convenient.

They couldn't afford to leave because they ate out several nights a week, were away, often abroad monthly and had a spending habit.

My friends in their early 60's did not want to set a precedence with one child when there were two others watching.
They said absolutely not.
Time to save up and move out if you want to live together.

We’re happy with them living at home for free whilst they are saving to buy but not to subsidise a more luxurious lifestyle - we’ve never encouraged them to be feckless - they can do that on their own dollar. We all have to have our boundaries and for some the boundary is non existent…make your choice and know what you can happily tolerate. I enjoy spending time with my kids but I am not a happy door mat - so my boundaries will be enforced for all our sakes.

My son is currently doing this although he is out a lot at his partner's. Tonight is the third night he's stayed out. If you tell your step son to dial it back he will probably just stay at hers more. You'll never see him. Is that what you want ?

Why didn't you say something? Why did your husband have the conversation

I'm in my 50s and I was the last person of a group of friends at school to sleep with someone. I was almost 19. A girl at my school got pregnant at 14. That caused a scandal and she basically had to leave school.

I didn't sleep with my first bf until around 3 months in. He stayed at mine once or twice a week. Not right from the beginning.

It was easier for him to come to mine than me to his (he stayed in the middle of nowhere).

My view - as someone who worked with young people for a long time - if young people are going to have sex - they'll find somewhere to have it. I'm not saying that the gf should stay five nights a week either.

Why is it disrespectful to have teenage sex? So basically if women have sex in their teens they are disrespecting themselves?

Surely women have the right to make choices about whether they want to have sex or not without being judged.

My mum didn't judge me. His parents did. I was banned from staying over at their home while the family were away on holiday - because his mum thought I might get pregnant. We weren't even sleeping together at that point - and I felt so uncomfortable about being judged like that I didn't go to his house. At all.

We are the same.
Funnily enough, as a mad traveller I encourage travelling, but I won't support an endless stream of food deliveries at 11pm after they have had a large home cooked meal.
A £37 KFC delivery put me over the edge last year!
Fortunately the main culprit unsurprisingly started to put on weight, and that knocked a lot of it on the head.
I was paying rent from age 20 and had to manage my money accordingly.
It is hard to think that some of our children may not enjoy the same very high standard of living and housing they grew up with.

I’m not convinced young adults can’t move out. I lived in some very questionable places, but there was no possibility I was going to live with my parents, so I made it work. Young adults seem to have high expectations. It’s normal to be completely broke, have a leaky roof, and be battling your landlord about mold. It’s not fun, but you work hard and try to stay there are briefly as possible.

I had a secondary school teacher point out back in the 80s that we posh students were all in for a harsh awakening when we got out on our own. It was very good advice. He didn’t say it in a harsh way. We grew up comfortable and finally got to experience life like many other people.

When DSD got a new boyfreind we said he could stay two nights a week and his mum told them they could stay there as often as they stayed here so they spent four nights together every week. I think that’s enough for a new relationship, they have now moved in together as wanted to spend all their time together.

600 plus pounds for a room per month in some places. Before bills. Over a grand in London and other large cities.

I left home at 26 and lived in a flat for 25 years in a hard to let area - council flat. It was either that or rent privately.

That wasn't particularly easy but easier than a lot of young people have it right now