Dss girlfriend staying over

[Blankscreen]

Dss (22) has recently got a girlfriend (19) she seems nice enough.

Last week dss asked DH if she could stay on Friday. DH said yes.. she was then here all day Saturday until about 5 pm. They did eventually go to her house and stay there Saturday night.

He saw her again Sunday and they went to his mum's for mothers day.

Last night she stayed again and then tonight she appeared again after they'd been to the gym together.

He cooked her dinner (I had already done his) and they sat on the sofa giggling whilst DD and I were watching TV.

I've just been in the bathroom and she has left her gunky tooth brush on the sink 😤. She's just gone home.

I'm not gonna lie I'm finding it irritating her being here all the time. I just want to chill out at home and not have to make small talk or have the dogs going nuts.

Not sure if I am being a grumpy cow saying it's too much.

Respectfully, it’s not his home in the same way. It belongs to his stepmother and father.

If he wants to have people over whenever he pleases, he needs to move out and pay his own way.

Respectfully, I disagree. I get your point, the house belongs to his father and stepmother, but it is his home. I would hate to think that my son didn't consider our house to be his home. Yes, he needs to be respectful, clear up after himself, have consideration to others, and not to be noisy, or disturb us too much - but I want my kids to be able to have their friends over, including girlfriends. I would take steps to make sure that she wasn't moving in as such, but a few nights a week doesn't really bother me.

I would also expect that my DS, who is now in his mid twenties, was planning to move out at some point (which he is) but that's so difficult for young people now. They're kind of stuck between a rock and hard place - needing to save for a deposit, and having to live at home in the meantime. It's not like it was when I was young, when it was easier and cheaper to move out at a young age. So it's not as easy to say 'if you don't like it, move out and get your own place'. As long as he's not planning to live here forever, while he is here, he gets to feel like it's his home too.

You still give permission for your DS to have people stay over, or even to continue living there as an adult though.

Your son would not need to give permission for you to continue living in your own house.

You still give permission for your DS to have people stay over, or even to continue living there as an adult though

Well yes, it’s true that it’s my house, in as much as me and DH own it, and I guess ultimately we have the final say in who lives/visits here. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is also my DS’s home. Not his house, but his home. As long as he’s respectful, I see no reason to say DS can’t have friend/girlfriends to stay.

Well she appeared again last night.....

So that is 5 days out of the last 6.

DH is away with work but is going to have a word with dss when he back and suggest that they need to mix it up a bit

Suggest?

Whatever is happening here needs to suit you and DH. Decide what you can put up with and lay down the law. Suggest has no place here.

You obviously don’t like her

Whether she likes her or not isn’t the issue.

I could really like my DS’s girlfriend but that doesn’t mean I’d want her in my home.

It is the issue, and saying things like “gunky”shows the dislike. If OP liked the girl sge would welcome her instead of throwing in subtle insults

My DS’s girlfriend stays at our house most nights, she maybe stays at home 2 nights a week. I don’t have an issue with it. They are respectful.

OP, could you suggest they watch tv in DSS’s room if you want to relax on the sofa? As for leaving a toothbrush on one occasion…is it really that big of deal? She probably forgot to put it back in her toiletry bag.

You think it’s the issue which is irrelevant.

Um okay then, I’m entitled to my opinion

This may or may not be true, but 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I'm also not fond of people who lack boundaries. No-one needs to spend 5 nights pw in anyone else's home; when they have homes of their own.

Some level of self-awareness is necessary, so as not to impose on others. And people who lack basic cleanliness really ought to stay in their own spaces.

I wasn't allowed anyone to stay over until I was married, I did leave home at 15 tho and when I wanted to visit I had to go alone. Even after I had bought a house with the man who eventually became my first husband w had seperate rooms at my parents. My brother stayed at home until he was25 and it was the same for him. Your house your rules.n

You need to ask what you would find acceptable for your own daughter when she is the same age and asks for a partner to stay over.

You can’t have one rule for one and one rule for the other.

It’s not unreasonable to set boundaries and say only X amount of sleep overs a week are allowed.

Several key bits of info that the OP hasn't provided...

Is the stepson paying any sort of rent or contributing to groceries or bills? If he is then he gets as much say in visitors as she does. (To be clear I don't think a healthy family dynamic would involve treating a young adult child like a lodger and making it clear it's not really their house; but if they're contributing then you really don't get to do that.)

Is there a timeframe for him to move out? I'm not saying he "should" have moved out by now, I know what the rental/housing market is like, but is he still at home because he's at university or saving up with a clear plan to get his own place? I think knowing this situation isn't indefinite would help the OP.

Is OP's toothbrush pristine and clean from gunk? A toothbrush left by the sink is such a non-issue.

I don't really know the girl as they have been dating for coming up about 3 weeks but she seems pleasant and polite.

I don't nor do the rest of the family leave their gunky toothbrushes on the sink which is why it irritated me. As someone up thread said I think it shows a lack of boundaries to do that.

Dss works full time and pays £200 a month which frankly doesn't give him any rights to dictate rules surrounding house guests.
He is very secretive about his finances having blown £13k on trading 18 months ago.

I have asked DH about 3 4 weeks ago to discuss his plans re next steps and to check that he is saving etc. I believe he has put it into crypto 😫😫 so could well have lost loads more. There was a lot of talk about saving enough to give up work.

Re my own DD I certainly wouldn't think it is appropriate if she spent 5 night out of 6 in the family home of boy she'd known 3 weeks.

Start charging the girlfriend rent @Blankscreen. Give step son an invoice for her treating your home like a free hotel.

Dss works full time and pays £200 a month which frankly doesn't give him any rights to dictate rules surrounding house guests.
He is very secretive about his finances having blown £13k on trading 18 months ago.

You’re right, it doesn’t.

I paid my mum around £250pm and understood that it was a privilege to be able to pay so little and build up my savings. It was my home but she owned it so I would never have disrespected her.

Get a grip she is 19 a legal adult, she’s not 14 ffs,

She can vote, smoke, drink, get married, buy a house etc she is an adult woman.

Yanbu.
I wouldn't tolerate that and you have already tolerated too much.
He doesn't get to decide to use your house endlessly as a hang out.
He needs to move out if thats what he wants.
Think long and hard what is acceptable and TELL him that.
As for gung.
Tell him to clean it up.
He needs to take her to the cinema, go for a walk and do what we did.
We sure as hell didn't think our parents would tolerate being imposed up.
Funny how its not at her house?
Her parents have boundaries clearly.

Get her own place…..

My point was that she was an adult. I didn’t give an opinion on the situation, a note I said she can buy a house

He doesn't get to decide to use your house endlessly as a hang out.
He needs to move out if thats what he wants

I feel so sorry for some young adults - some parents are very clear that it’s their house, and their adult children are just guests in it. I accept that adult children should be respectful of others in the house, but surely it’s ok to have friends/girlfriends over to ‘hang out’ as long as they are quiet and clear up after themselves. It’s tough on young people nowadays - its definitely not as easy to just move out the way we did when we were young.

DH and I co-own our home. We don’t just have random guests to the house for overnights. Guests are planned and mutually agreed.

a young adult living with parents doesn’t need to bring his girlfriend of the month home. If he wants that kind of lifestyle, it’s time to find a new place to live.