To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

[Ruddeo]

I came to this realisation recently after years of being made to feel like a lazy piece of shit by them, because I had my first child when I was 16 and didn’t have a job until they went to school and this is part time.

Once you dig beneath the surface of the full time job, the active social life and weekends, 9 times out of 10 there’s a tired exhausted grandma who just wants some rest!

None of my friends used a grandparent, they were all still working.

I think I might the only one or one of the only ones I personally know who is lucky enough to have grandparents who do regular childcare while I work. Everyone else I can think of off the top of my head pays a lot of fucking money for childcare.

Where do you live where there are a load of 16 year olds having babies??

You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. Try to focus on your own life and your own children and give less thought to what other people think.

Out of my circle of friends, only 2 have had significant help from grandparents. Most do not live close enough to their parents for daily babysitting and most grandparents are indeed still working themselves.

I don't know any teenage mums though, maybe that's different. Are all their mothers housewifes then? Otherwise I would expect that an average mother of a teenager is not retired yet.

What?

No. I work FT because I have to. My children don’t have grandparents. I can’t understand why you would ever think anybody brags about working FT. I’m knackered and that’s not an achievement.

Having RTFT now, I do have some sympathy @Ruddeo . I had my first at 19, 2nd at 22. Some members of my extended family are quick to tell me/ anyone else that I had DC so I wouldn't have to get a job. Being at home full time was far more exhausting than working. So i can absolutely believe that you've had that judgement.

But none of the young mums I knew/ know worked at all, let alone full time. And I do get annoyed now when some of the mum's I know (in their 30s/40s) whinge about the job centre expecting them to get a job. Their children are upper end of primary/secondary school. Yes I had my mum to do childcare, but it's still not impossible to work without that.

I think this could be area/regional specific, but I 100% agree it is the case in my area, OP. The amount of women I have worked with moaning about their mothers/mother in laws not doing enough housework for them too is shocking, from the perspective of someone who never had any help at all!

That is shocking! I wonder how much housework their husbands are doing? 🤔

The reliance on an older generation of women who have already raised their children by some is shocking.

When are these women to have their own lives. Mind you, there’s an argument they should be saying no, and in the case of the women’s MILs, should be giving their sons a boot up the arse.

The number of 16 year olds in the UK having babies is vanishingly small. The average first time mother is 30.

Varies from very little to none!

Honestly, the "you would think she could have flicked the duster about while she was there" mentality annoys me so much, although it probably is a bit of envy on my part too.

Came on here to say that too thank you. I think OP is ignoring the facts here. As a lone parent I used paid childcare too.

Not this one either. Lived in a different country to all our family, so no family help, and paid for childcare all the way. I can fill in a summer school / club application with my eyes closed, I've done so many.

You sound unreasonable and quite limited in your perspective. Also, what’s wrong with having family members help out with childcare? If they are happy to do this and there’s an agreement in place, what’s the issue? My grandad used to pick me up from school until my mum collected me after 5pm. I developed a great relationship with my grandad as a result.

think you’ll find there are many types of arrangements out there as well.. from nursery, child minder, breakfast and after school clubs, baby sitters and those using a combination of the above.

Also, It’s not really any of your business how others raise their families.

As I said there’s nothing wrong with family helping out if everyone is happy with that my gripe is with people who have extensive family help that they refuse to acknowledge while making others feel like shit and saying we’re lazy for not having a job when our kids were younger.

It took me a while to notice the extent a lot of people have parents doing everything for them so if this post reaches one mum who feels a bit rubbish because others seem able to do a lot more than that’s a win. The same goes for driving lessons, I used to feel useless watching people my age learn to drive way before me but I now know it’s very common for parents to pay for driving lessons which obviously the child never mentions when bragging that they learnt to drive at 17

Wouldn't it be better to spend that energy looking at a your own life objectively? Ask yourself what would bring you happiness. Come up with ideas on how to make that happen. My current things I'm working towards are making a wfh day for myself by doing a very niche role in an otherwise customer facing role and tidying the house to the point where I can get a cleaner without being mortified.

I can count on my two hands (less than my two hands) the number of times grandparents have spent any time alone with our dc in the 13 years since we had eldest. They’ve never taken then out for a day out or done anything fun with them alone. A handful of times in over a decade they have spent a few hours with them while Dh and I went somewhere. I even had to take my youngest with me to get my coil put in and once to the hospital to have stitches removed after surgery as Dh was away and we had no one else who could help.

In my personal experience, both our mums are run ragged and have very little in the way of quality of life because they have acquired man baby partners late in life who cannot function without someone cooking and caring for them and generally making a fuss. They can’t really go too far or spend time with friends or family because their partners throw a tantrum if they do. That is exhausting for them. It’s definitely not our children, who they might see for a few supervised hours every few months.

That said, back in the 80s, my grandparents definitely did do full time childcare, 8-6 from when I was 3 months to 5 years then they did the school runs and holidays and after school care til 6pm 5 days a week and usually had me 1-2 weekends. I, on the other hand, worked and paid for my own childcare and equitably shared the work with Dh so no one got lumbered doing every school holiday.

In fairness, to you, most of us who are full time working mums aren’t 16.

There aren’t many 16 year olds in full time employment full stop, nevermind 16 year old mothers.

Paid childcare. School wraparound clubs, then a paid for babysitter when we want to go out which is expensive so doesn't happen very often!

Edit to add: paid for holiday clubs because no annual leave covers all the breaks!

Most working parents I know who do have regular family help with childcare have it as a supplement to formal paid childcare and the balance generally tips to mostly using paid childcare (often the family help is partly down to the cost of childcare but also the family has usually offered/ are genuinely happy to help). This was my situation with my first. With my second my family help on an ad-hoc basis, rather than a regular day each week (which I’m still very grateful for). I was able to change my working pattern (and I do equivalent of 4 days now, mostly compressed).

I’m not suggesting there aren’t people who take advantage but I’d be surprised if it was a big majority. I guess I can only talk from my own experience though.

That said, it’s rubbish people are making you feel bad about how you do it. It seems whichever way you do something in parenthood, someone’s telling you you’re doing the wrong thing! Annoying all ‘round.

A lot of professional women don't live near their families. So nursery is the only option

I don't think anyone mentions that their parents paid for their driving lessons when they were 17 because this is a completely normal and expected thing to happen. People also don't mention that their parents paid for clarinet lessons, or school uniform.

I’ve given you the stats on this twice on this thread so now I just think you’re enjoying ranting.

But aside from that, your comments here are telling me you have a skewed view of what many families’ lives are like. It’s quite normal for parents to continue to fund their children when they are 16, 17, 18 and still at school. They will do things like paying for driving lessons because driving is an important life skill and for some young people living outside large towns and cities will be the only way they can get to work. People aren’t ‘bragging’ about being able to drive at 17 - that is a very normal thing to happen, even if it didn’t happen to you because of your circumstances. And I can’t believe that anyone tells you that you’re a bad mother for not working full time at 16 with a baby. I think you are envious of the lives around you that you didn’t get to have, and I think that you are the one beating yourself up about that.

YABVVVU. We have never used any relatives as childcare, not even once. We both work fulltime.

Op I don't see where the "bragging ".comes in
Childcare is a last resort no one thinks " I'll have a baby my choice then hand it over to young underpaid teens in an institution to look after it !! ""
Babies want their mum or primary care giver ,the person who loves them most in the world and the place they are most comfortable.

I work full time, my husband works part-time and does a lot of the childcare. We don't have any parental help. Stop being so judgy.