To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

[Ruddeo]

I came to this realisation recently after years of being made to feel like a lazy piece of shit by them, because I had my first child when I was 16 and didn’t have a job until they went to school and this is part time.

Once you dig beneath the surface of the full time job, the active social life and weekends, 9 times out of 10 there’s a tired exhausted grandma who just wants some rest!

I work full time, my toddler goes to nursery four days a week and granny one day a week - and we pay her. She went through a nasty divorce and lost a lot of money, so we pay her a proper wage on that day to help out (she's too proud to take money directly, world never ever ask or say she needs it).

My mum lives 150miles away, and my in laws are in their late 70s.

Sorry to disappoint, but no - they’re not facilitating us working full time.

The option to work during nursery hours (which in our area is usually 7:30-5:30) does exist.

You don’t have to take that up, but that’s a preference not a necessity.

It’s absolutely not common in my experience.

The typical parent at my DS school is a mid 40’s professional who has worked up to a level where they have funds and flexibility to be able to fulfil all childcare needs.

I rarely see a GP doing drop off or pick up. Many are in their 70’s or 80’s so not involved on a day to day basis.

We all paid for private nurseries, many without the benefit of 30 funded hours.

I don’t think DH and I have ever had a single hour of unpaid childcare support.

I actually think far more people these days use paid childcare than parents. There's always videos up on tiktok about millennials having grown up with grandparents caring for them but never being able to get respite from their own parents now who either want to focus on their own leisure time or are having to work themselves. So I think your 9 out of 10 times is wildly wrong

Why is it hard to find a job between nursery pick up and drop off? My nursery was open 7:30am - 6pm. An effort is needed to be organised with logistics but what do you expect?

On the days I do school run for my son I know 2 sets of grandparents who regularly pick up in my son's class and even that is only a day or 2 a week.

You don't obviously see in the parks the kids in nurseries and paid after school care.

Actually are you in northern Ireland? Because back home it really is more than 50% anyway who have family childcare. It is quite unusual to just have paid childcare. My sisters get upset with it (me less so because I moved away but they do lament that my mum would have had their kids for them and she definitely would have done. Then I'd probably have been the one moaning

I do agree broadly with you though in terms of people being honest about how they are able to do things - whether grandparents, friends, partner, ex having the kids part of the time, paid childcare etc. The experience and capacity of one person can be so different to another on that basis.

I think an older mum who has worked through to a good career where she can afford childcare and to make her job flexible and has older or deceased parents is different.
Im talking about the younger parents who brag about how the work full time, have an active social life etc. and they’re leaving out how much grandma does. While implying they are better than other young parents who don’t have parents willing to do all that.

Although saying that I also know a couple in their 40s with primary age children and grandma is in her 70s or even 80s doing everything and I mean everything every single school pick up.

In my hometown - absolutely 90% of my friends have family support for paid work/nights out etc.

In the area I live now - more middle class professional area - private nursery is the biggest support. This wouldn’t be affordable in my hometown.

You’re exaggerating. I only know a couple of people who have grandparents helping. My mum and dad are dead. MIL and PIL help on some school holidays or inset days as they have retired , but mostly we pay for childcare.

No judgement though- people do what they can.

You say this as if waiting until then isn't a choice requiring sacrifice etc.

Does your mum do any childcare?

It's a wonder there are any kids in nurseries and with childminders, and working nannies - I wonder who all those children belong to? 🤔

Goady fuckery at work.

I'm the only mum i know who's own mum provided childcare. I'm always very open about the fact that I absolutely could not have done the job I did without her and would never claim that I did everything myself.

I didnt have a social life for years though, I thought the childcare when I was working was enough without asking her to do more.

You are just generating these feelings though
I couldnt care less what other people do
Remove those chips

Exactly. Why worry about other people? We all have to make a living so we make it work. I don’t know many people with an active social life and small kids.

Why do nurseries around you shut at 3? There are some nurseries near me that are attached to schools, but they aren’t used by working parents as the hours offered are useless.

Of course it's not 9 out of 10. Many women don't even live near enough to their mother (or MIL) to use them for childcare. I live 4 hours' drive away from mine! Are people really bragging about working full time? I've never heard this happen in real life. If anything, the opposite. People who are well-off enough to work part-time and have a good lifestyle have more reason to brag imo!

We were lucky enough to have a spare bedroom, that’s true. The house wasn’t in the greatest shape, but we had space. Didn’t have a lot of money but we did have space.

Having an au pair wasn’t the only option open, I’m just being clear that we went to quite extreme lengths to make sure we had childcare. Living in a city obviously helped make us an attractive host family.

I’m still in touch with some of our au pairs many years later!

No, I pay for childcare and we get family childcare maybe 5 times a year. Very ignorant.

Am I invisible? Are my posts actually appearing?

More like 1 out of 10 are using granny in my experience

everyone is using nursery or childminders that I know

My parents and DH’s were all working full time when our DT’s were born. Same for friends and extended family. Where are all these grandparents without jobs?

Where I live, I don't see any grandparents doing the activities you describe - because they aren't here. You clearly live in a place where most people do not move away for university and work (or indeed to retire) but your experience is not universal, and the ONS stats that someone posted up thread bear this out - the majority of parents are reliant on paid childcare.

I work full time and use paid childcare. My mum is dead.

I work full time and have never used my parents or in laws for childcare. I sort it out between myself and my husband. We were told that my FIL in law was to frail and didn't feel confident looking after the kids so we never asked them to babysit. It is strange though that of few years on he is able to look after my SILs kids 😂Although they moan to everyone that will listen about it.