AIBU to worry about my 19-year-old after his first breakup?

[PeacheyPeach]

Our 19 yr old DS has been in a relationship with his GF for 4 years, real childhood sweethearts. Unfortunately she has decided to break up with him, ( and I totally respect this decision, I feel that my DS has to mature a lot)
He is absolutely heartbroken, he was in floods of tears, he thought he wa s going to be sick, I've been up all night as I just couldn't sleep
I know time is a healer but I'm just so worried about him.
They are in the same friendship group and I can see himself isolating himself,
I'm just so sad for them both and don't know what I can do other than to be there for him. Just wish I could make all this pain go away

You aren’t unreasonable to feel sad for him and it’s incredibly hard to see your child suffering. But it sounds like normal teenage heartbreak - I might be in my 40s now but I can remember the excruciating pain of being dumped by someone I was still infatuated with. It’s all consuming and a real physical pain. All you can do is be there for them, offer reassurance, tell them that what they are feeling and experiencing is normal, give hugs, try distract them by doing nice things with their family and friends. He will get over it in a couple of weeks and it will strengthen his relationship with you if you can be his rock during this time. Recovering and moving on from heartbreak makes you a stronger and more resilient person, makes you better equipped going into your future relationships (even though it’s torture at the time!)

It’s awful seeing your child in pain, physical or emotional. All you can do is be there. Telling him he’ll get over it a meet someone else in future is probably not that helpful at the moment, as when you’re in this state and it’s the first time, you genuinely don’t believe you will. This is just one of those experiences we all have to have, part of becoming a resilient adult. Keep reminding him how loved he is by you, his friends, etc. That his worth is not tied up in this one relationship.

@Hollietree thank you x

he really did see a future with her and they had discussed getting a house together and getting engaged in a year or so, so I feel like it's a lot to no longer have in his life, he has literally been in love since he met her, and has always had her on a pedestal which has been rather sweet to see but now I'm just so concerned about how sad he is going to be. I know it's for the best especially if she is no longer in love with him, it's right that she has done this, but I just feel sad for him , I remember my heartbreak and wouldn't wish it on anyone, or the craziness that I then lived like for the next few years I don't want that for him either, so I'm hoping he's a bit more level headed than me!!

Oh it’s awful when they are heartbroken. I felt so sad when it was my DD. It’s hard to not be able to make things better, it’s just a very steep learning curve. It’ll likely bring you very close together helping him through it. I felt miserable the whole time she was devastated, it’s such a horrible feeling, I sympathise with you a lot.

@theresbeautyinwindysun you're so right it's just such a horrible feeling, I' feel so devastated for him, especially as he was so happy with her, it's going to be a long road for him, urgh love is cruel at times isn't it 😢
Can I ask was there anything specific that you did with your DD to help or is it simply just being there?

I remember this too, it was awful at that age. Still remember it to this day. My DM suggested I see a GP but he said time is all that is needed to heal. He was right of course. I was in a state and couldn't stop crying even though it was the right decision.

Your DS will move on and it's okay to grieve what's lost. That's a long time to be together ❤️

Ah, teenage heartbreak. Nothing quite like it, I don’t think. I was ‘lucky’ and always did the dumping, rather than being the dumpee, but this sounds so normal. Though, of course, absolutely awful for you to have to sit by and watch x

It’s the human condition. First heartbreak is the worst. There is literally nothing he can do. That’s why it’s inspired pretty much every pop song ever written. He just has to plod on until he starts to feel better.

Dreading this as Dd has a devoted lad who is lovely but can see her spreading her wings and breaking his heart. Was the same with my sister. Small town boy wants to marry and put down roots but girl wants to go out into the world.

@Elektra1 @user1476613140 thank you, I think it is only time that's going to help here 😞
I think because he saw a future and they had been looking at houses and getting bank accounts and engagement rings he truly didn't think there was any problems but obviously there was and they are much to young to be settling down anyway, so it's better that it has happened now but I think it's just going to be so harsh for him, almost starting again,

I remember the heartbreak and also the next few years of craziness. The crazy rebound stage wasn’t so bad in hindsight. Those initial few days and weeks were fairly brutal tho.

Be prepared that this might not be a clean break. She might have a wobble, they reconcile, only for her to break it off again. Or maybe he has to see her with another guy he knows.

Or he might move on quicker than you expect and realise it was for the best.

@CarlaLemarchant I do have a suspicion that there could be someone waiting in the wings and DS has been a bit naive about their friendship, which is obviously going to be an even bigger drama if that's the case!
I just want him to heal from this , I don't know why I'm so sad, I feel like it's happening to me, obvs he isn't going to know that and I'm not going to be crying or anything but just feel so sad for my boy 😥

Reading that back it sounds like he's got someone in the wings, I meant I think she has , and potentially it could be a friend of Ds as like I say they are in the same friendship group, so in just feeling sick if anything comes out about that.

I’ve been through similar recently and it’s awful to see your child in pain like that. Even though my son is a 20 yr old 6 footer he cried in my arms and I cried with him because it hurt to see him like that. All I could really do was be there for him and be a shoulder to cry on. He’s gradually getting better but I was worried. I suspect she met someone else but that’s life. As his mum I secretly think she’s mad as my son is so lovely but I am of course bias.

It is harsh having to readjust to the concept of “starting again” after a LTR ends. It takes time.

Not a comparison, as I was in my 40s at the time, but when my wife left me (for someone else) I genuinely thought I would never get back up. Just could not imagine my life without her. Didn’t want it. My family and friends were so amazing and over a period of months they just reminded me that they all thought I was amazing, the fact that my ex didn’t, wasn’t the measure of me, and that I was loved and would have a wonderful new life. It did take months but gradually I started to look forward instead of backward. I remember one of my friends coming to take me to see the Taylor Swift film because I love Taylor Swift. My friend doesn’t care about her but sat for 3 hours through the film with me and then we went for a drink. Just little things like that made me realise I could do nice things and have fun without my ex.

The experience taught me so much about myself and other people. I do believe that every relationship comes with a lesson (or lessons) and with a bit of perspective you can take those lessons and grow as a person without feeling bitter that the relationship ended. But I’m 50 now and it’s taken me a long time to reach that conclusion!

Pretty much this. We have all been there and now look back and laugh about now dramatic it all was. In the long run it will be a valuable life experience. Be there for him, dare I say advise him not to love bomb or do anything drastic to 'win her back' , part of growing up is accepting her decision. Also, don't let him fall into the false hope of any offerings from her of 'let's be friends'. A clean break is probably better if possible.

There may not have been problems. It could just have been the next step for them that pulled the plug; moving in together, getting engaged and sharing bank accounts made everything so serious and permanent and she realised she wasn’t ready for this at 19 so she quit altogether.

He’s also too young for that type of commitment, not that you should tell him so.

The good news is if she is a lovely girl and treated him kindly - to this point - then the bar has been set and this will do him well when choosing future girlfriends and a life partner.

Just be there for him now, quietly supporting him through it.

@ChamonixMountainBum yes we have already said he needs to respect her decision and to not be chasing or begging her as it will just be even worse,
@Elektra1 I'm sorry you had to go through such a tough experience but it's positive that you were able to come through it with the help of your friends and family, that's what we will need to do, I'm hoping that he will have learned some lessons from this , but obvs not going to tell him that!

@4wardlooking yes they very young to be making such commitments, your right in that she has been a nice girlfriend and hopefully he will find someone equally nice when the time is right

If I had never broken up with previous boyfriends then I never would have met my husband. I can see with hindsight that previous relationships weren't quite right (which is why we broke up) and whilst it is painful at the time, i had the freedom to find myself, travel a bit and then ultimately be the person my husband needed when I met him. Its painful. No one would ever say it's easy to go through, but the locked doors around him have just started to spring open and he's suddenly found himself with a golden opportunity to get to know the individual, not half of a couple. Everyone eventually gets over break ups and finds a new normal- the skill is getting up after giving yourself time to grief and then accept that there is something better out there (statistically speaking) and he should go find it. She'll always be part of his roots so it's not like he should forget her, but the 30 year old version would undoubtedly come back and tell him that everything is actually going to turn out just fine.

It is incredibly painful to get your heart broken at this age. It can feel like your life is over. But this is quite an important, albeit painful, lesson. It had to happen at some time.

Also tbh 19 is ludicrously young to be planning to get married so he’s probably actually dodged a bullet.

@Sparklybanana you're right x this is the dark raw extremely early days and I just hope that when he comes through this he will have learned some lessons about himself and what he wants in life, his whole identity has been part of this couple and as hard as it's going to be , he will have a new part of his life being a young man. It's all part of a learning process I know, just is so flippen hard to see the sadness,
He does have ADHD as well so I think this is going to hard for him to process I just need to keep an eye on him ,

My DD 19 went through this. It was awful to see. He was her first love and quite a bit older than her. I tried everything to help her but she didn't care about anything except him. They are back together now. Have been for over a year but I have a feeling this will happen again and will be even worse second time around 😞. There is literally nothing you can do to make this better for him unfortunately. Just be there if he wants to talk. I tried everything - taking her out, buying her nice things etc but she didn't want any of that....she just wanted him.

It’s very very rare in this day and age to stay with the person you’ve been with since 15. We grow and change so much in our teens and twenties, and more often than not in different directions. Nineteen is way too young to be considering marriage and mortgages, there’s a whole world out there waiting to be experienced first.
I feel for you, it’s so hard, all you can do is be there when he needs you and encourage him to get out with friends or concentrate on hobbies and things he enjoys. He will get over it, we always do, it just takes time.

@freetospeakup oh it's awful isn't it, and you just feel out of control with it, can only watch as a bystander, I now know how my own mum must have felt watching me going through this, my own experience sounds very similar to that of your DD, I was an absolute mess and it went on for a few years I would hate it for him if my DS has the same experience
there's literally nothing we can do other than just be there, because as you say all they want is therw boyfriend or girlfriend x

@SilverPink your right, what we want at 18 is usually not what we want at 21 even, I think this is the case here, that they've grown up together since age of 15 and her life is going in another direction, and that's right we all grow up, I do think girls mature a lot faster to that of boys, so it is simply a matter of her outgrowing him, which is sad but absolutely expected