AIBU to worry about my 19-year-old after his first breakup?

[PeacheyPeach]

Our 19 yr old DS has been in a relationship with his GF for 4 years, real childhood sweethearts. Unfortunately she has decided to break up with him, ( and I totally respect this decision, I feel that my DS has to mature a lot)
He is absolutely heartbroken, he was in floods of tears, he thought he wa s going to be sick, I've been up all night as I just couldn't sleep
I know time is a healer but I'm just so worried about him.
They are in the same friendship group and I can see himself isolating himself,
I'm just so sad for them both and don't know what I can do other than to be there for him. Just wish I could make all this pain go away

I’m not surprised he’s so devastated. This is more than a teenage heartbreak, this is years of his life spent with one person, imagining a future with her. It’s very very tough. I’m so sorry for both of you.

You asked what I did with my daughter. I let her go over and over the sane stuff, trying to piece together what happened. Everyone got sick of talking about it but I understood she had to, and if she wasn’t talking about it she would be obsessing over it in her own head. I did lots of little outings with her to fuss and let her acknowledge she was sad but tried to find things that would brighten her a little. I told her about when I was young and these things happened to me. I encouraged her so much to go outside her comfort zone and try some new things that she didn’t even fancy doing but ended up enjoying. When she was ready to be angry at him (this took a while despite his awful behaviour) I guided her through feeling helpless and tried to get her to do things on her own terms. It took ages and I felt very low at her sadness to be honest. But she’s bright and happy now and we are a whole new level of closeness. Very best of luck xx

@theresbeautyinwindysun thank you for your lovely reply xx it sounds like you put so much love and time in with your DD, and how lovely that you are now a lot closer, I hope she is in a good place now.
myself and Dh have been sat talking with him talking about the experiences we went through when we were younger I still think it's to early for him to take anything in though xxxx definitely going to get him to start doing more activities once he feels up to it.

This thread is very timely for me, 19 year old DS going through almost exactly the same thing (well 2.5 year relationship).

My DS doesn't want to talk about it all so I'm assuming she broke up with him and obviously I'm dying to know what happened but am holding off from pushing him to talk about it.

We are a week in and I feel he's a bit better but like you OP I was worried sick. Woke up at 2 am thinking about it etc.

Good luck with supporting your DS, you sound lovely ❤️

I think you should try to convince her to take him back and get them back together and having fun then she might change her mind and tell her off a bit too for speaking to your son like that after 4 years talk some sense into her

In a strong field this is some of the worst advice I have seen.

@jamaisjedors oh that's good that your son is feeling a little better x it's just so hard to see them upset isn't it I can't bear it for them 😭
We had a lot to do with ds girlfriend, she was always at ours and they would sit with us and watch a Netflix series with us both, and she was just part of our family, so think I'm feeling a bit bereft at losing that aswell as my boy being 😢

Lots of nurture. He’ll be feeling so scared and broken but that’s so lovely he’s got you and his dad sitting with him, talking with him and giving him a place where he knows he can show his emotions. They’ll be overwhelming for him at the moment and the comfort you’re giving him will be so significant.

@theresbeautyinwindysun thank you for your kind words xx
I know that we aren't enough and we aren't what he wants at the moment but we just have to stick it out with him, the house has this sadness over it and it's horrible.

It is sad but I think they get over it fairly quickly in that they really express themselves and their feelings quite dramatically at that age. My son was dumped and he was full on crying and devastated. Didn’t eat for days etc. It was really sad but it honestly didn’t take long for him to feel better. Bless him, first love hey.

Sadly nothing would have prepared your son for this - first break ups are devastating. Keep being there for him, encourage him to talk about how he is feeling (much better to talk about it than keep it in) not only to you but to DH as well. It will probably be relentless for a while, he will repeat the same thing - just be his safe place.

wtf?!

Time is a healer but so is distance. If there is a friendship group aspect a lot to be said for him doing some travelling or a course away from home.

It changes you, that kind of break-up. Mine changed even my personality - or at least, my public persona - forever.

But, unless there's anything else going on to suggest otherwise, he'll come through what is a necessary process. And by necessary, I mean it's a vital part of becoming a fully-formed, empathic person.

I have a friend in her fifties who has never, ever been dumped. She has always got out first. And she's lovely. But there's a bit missing, and it's the bit that grows when you have your heart broken.

@WalkDontWalk your right, I have a friend who has never been on the receiving end and kinda lacks empathy for things like this, it's very cut and dry with her,
He will get through this I'm sure, we do come through rough times and it's all part of life especially coming into adulthood but I just wish he didn't have to experience this, why am I being such a psycho mum about this , think I'm more shocked at my reaction than his !!!! 😢

@MaxJLHardy I know this is what I'm dreading if I'm honest, their friends are all the same, I can't see how this is going to go, but I don't want him to isolate himself either but then I worry about him going out as a group and getting upset seeing her x

@TheHouse I really hope he does come through it quickly, the thought of him being this sad for a long time I can't bear it,

My sons GF was also in the same friendship group. They ignored each other for a long time and now just do brief exchanges. My son said it made him stronger. He also has fun now at parties and I can see the lightness in him. He is enjoying being single now.

He will get through it.

@TheHouse yes hopefully somewhere down the line he will feel like this, he's been part of a couple for a long time, it will be good to be his own person, get to know what he wants in life

@Waterbaby41 thank you xx I think that's all we can be, is his safe space your'e right xx

Yep!!

I mean to be fair that's what I'd love to do, 😄 but the mature reasonable side of me has to do the right thing!!

WTF have i just read here?

Just keep an eye on him. My DS turned to booze and gambling when he was dumped. Luckily, we managed to sort it before any real damage was done.

Two things you need to prep your son for:

1. how does he react when she introduces her new boyfriend to friend group, this will happen sooner than you think.
2. how he deals with her reaction when your son meets someone new, in my experience at that age, the reaction of girls when their ex meets someone new (who they broke up with) can be something unreal.

@noidea69 I can't go there with him yet about a potential new boyfriend, I think this would actually destroy him 😭