AIBU to worry about my 19-year-old after his first breakup?

[PeacheyPeach]

Our 19 yr old DS has been in a relationship with his GF for 4 years, real childhood sweethearts. Unfortunately she has decided to break up with him, ( and I totally respect this decision, I feel that my DS has to mature a lot)
He is absolutely heartbroken, he was in floods of tears, he thought he wa s going to be sick, I've been up all night as I just couldn't sleep
I know time is a healer but I'm just so worried about him.
They are in the same friendship group and I can see himself isolating himself,
I'm just so sad for them both and don't know what I can do other than to be there for him. Just wish I could make all this pain go away

its coming though, very soon. She wont have broken up with your son without another guy in mind.

@noidea69 I know x I' just don't think him thinking about her with some else is going to do anything for his self esteem or self worth, we will have to deal with that when the situation arises

I thought on here that only applied to men breaking up with women? Is it just possible she had outgrown the relationship? At that age you are really just starting to find out who you are and what you want in life, new hobbies, interests etc. Maybe they are just not aligned.

This is ridiculous, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years when I was 20, without anyone else in mind at all. We were just on very different life paths, I was at uni having fun and going out a lot and he was working full time and talking about saving for a house. Of the girls I knew in similar length relationships at that age they all ended for similar reasons to me, we were just not happy in the relationship anymore.

We were also part of the same friendship group @PeacheyPeach and that was probably the hardest part of the break up to navigate. Eventually it did end up in two separate groups forming, not that people took sides but over time it just naturally fell into separate groups depending on who people were closer to. Although I think that would have happened anyway as at that age lots of friendships grow apart. I would just encourage him to not try and get her to change her mind, I know you’ve already said you’ve discussed this with him but my ex did some pretty weird stuff after and I think that was what made a few people distance themselves from him.

Hi OP. I went through this with my child. It is heartbreaking to see them so devastated. And you just want their pain to stop.

I listened, when they wanted to talk. Yes same sentences over again. I left them alone when they just wanted to lie in bed watching something inane or watching nothing at all.

I couldn't answer the question of why. I found out quickly not to impose any opinion!

It is just letting them feel safe, cared for, having a trusted person to talk to. I guess he'll be talking to his friends. It will probably be one of them that lets slip if they know any reason for the split, especially if it involves someone else. Be prepared for that

Good luck. You're a lovely Mum being there for him and doing what you are.

@Tootiredforthis23 thank you x your experience sounds extremely similar to what has happened with my son, she has just grown apart and wants totally different things,
I am going to have to make sure he doesn't start being weird or messaging her loads because it will cause even more upset, it will be a shame but inevitable I think that there will be a parting of the ways in the group. But on the other hand he needs to branch out more anyway

Yes OP. That's very important he tries not to bombard her with messages.

One message to say he is devastated, wishes it was a different outcome, and if she wants to contact him she knows how to, but that he will respect her decision and doesnt want to cause her any upset . He should tell his friends he has done this, and wants to respect her even though he is devastated.

That will show him to be the gentle, kind, respectful person he is. It will also eliminate any reason for her saying to the group he is pestering and harassing her and potentially causing a division how their friends see him.

Will also help him keep his head high and know he was respectful rather than a distressed puppy further down the line. Not sure I've worded that the most appropriate I could, but hope you get what I mean. I remember a friend of mine, when she split (no other person involved and still living at home) had to go to the police to stop him sitting outside her house and calling constantly.

@BlueskiesandPoppies oh yes we've had a chat and he's recognized that she doesn't want him to text her so that's what he has to do, and there is nothing more off putting than someone being an emotional wreck when you've called it a day , it gives that person a bit of power over you which you can't afford to let them have either.
His friends are all quite sad about the split I think and they are close with her also so I think they will be respectful towards her xx

I remember this when I was young (we haven't reached this stage yet here) and the nicest thing my mum did was bring me a tea in bed each morning (I was being dramatic and just wanted to lie in bed crying for a few days!) She didn't really make me get up, she just would pop in with little treats like a cuppa or a chocolate bar, and made my favourite dinners to get me eating normally again. I think that age you really feel it, and need to be really dramatic - the fact you understand why he's sad, and aren't saying stuff like "he's being over the top" is already great for him, there's nothing worse than your feelings being seen as ridiculous. Just keep an eye on him, give him some love (it's a bit like when they're physically ill really) and give him time, he'll come through it I'm sure.
Good that you're also talking to him about respecting her space, first heartbreak is also about learning how to handle these things for the future and doing it appropriately (e.g. you can't hound her, stalk her, blame her, you just have to be sad and get through it, even though it feels rubbish). Sounds like he's doing a great job of that already which is testament to his character.

@Ireallywantadoughnut36 thank you x your mum really supported you at that time didnt she, I hope that I can be just as good and give him the same care x I also don't want to be to over bearing with him as I know that will get on his nerves!!

I wouldn't worry. Surely by the age of 19, he has learned that most people don't end up permanently with their 15 year-old sweethearts.

Not really no

How is he getting on OP?

@TheHouse thank you so much for asking xx he is sad, and he's not sleeping very well, he's not contacted her which Im really proud of him for and he has been very level headed about things, but I know he is so sad, he is just so flat and his eyes are dead, it's really hard to see, but he'll get there won't he xxx

@PeacheyPeach

He will. It’s like a period of grief. It’s just so so gut wrenching to watch. He clearly loved her and has the capacity for love. He will emerge, perhaps with his boundaries a little tighter next time, but all the stronger for it.

@TheHouse I really hope so !!

In the worlds of Cat Stevens “ the first cut is the deepest”. I think as a woman we think that men are cold as steel after a break up because that’s how they come across in public but at home they are in bits. I was sort of glad DS went through his first break up before he left home. I would have been seriously worried about him if he’d been away at uni.

It takes time and you tread on eggshells for an eternity but I let DS talk it through, usually in the car, and eventually he got back on track.

It’s no coincidence that the best break up songs are written by men. They really feel the pain but often react by having a series of short lived relationships followed by a period of being single because at 19/20 being single and with your mates is brilliant fun. It’s too early to suggest this but learning to be on your own is actually quite important.

The music they play is wonderful. I now have a number of Lil Peep tracks on my playlist because I became quite a fan when they were played on repeat at full volume for months.

The only forceable problem is the tendency for some girls to control after the break up and keep them dangling for a few months. It’s really hard to stay neutral but there were times when I could have throttle DS’s ex because she wasn’t happy with DS talking to any other girl ( they were still at 6th form). But he eventually got over it and is happily single at the moment, he has a number of women on the go but apparently it’s how things are done nowadays. They date but are not necessarily exclusive. He’s too busy enjoying life to be joined at the hip nowadays. Although I think he would like a steady girlfriend but unfortunately the toxicity of his ex means he is super cautious. Being at uni makes it difficult unless they are both happy with long distant relationships.

I had the same with my 18 year old a few months ago, first gf, first heartbreak, it was awful to see and really hurts as a mum watching him go through this, at one point he was begging me to txt her, I didn’t of course, but it was hard.
I just spent time with him and let him talk when he wanted about it, took him out for tea and pushed him back to the gym to try and refocus, took him for drives, i honestly felt like I had a little boy back as he seemed so broken , he just slept a lot and needed time , we’ve all been there, you just have to be there for him but also give him space because to them it’s like grieving, it’s took along time for him to start going back out and they have since bumped into each other and talked, but he stronger now and refocused on enjoying his life again, he will get there just be there for him and try and talk when he wants and encourage him to do other things, slowly he will rebuild his life again.

@dollyblue01 thank you, he is broken at the moment, just so out of sorts because his time is always spent with her, or texting or face timing, so I think he's missing even that routine as well. I think what you're saying about doing things slowly is probably the right thing, gives him the time to get over this, it's so hard because Ive realized that I have to take a step back, not to rush in and try and fix anything because it's not for me to fix, just to listen and give advice if he asks for it,.
I'm glad that your son came through it, xxx

@Crwysmam thank you x I really want him to be young free and single, go on lads holidays, have fun at the weekend, not being like a boring married couple when he's barely out of his teens, but there's no way I will voice this to him yet??

There is that danger isn't there with the carrot dangle again the minute he looks like he's moving on, and I really hope that doesn't happen, but I think if it does we just have to help him deal with that aswell.
I was actually a bit like that with one of my boyfriends when I was 18 thinking back, I didn't want him but I didn't want anyone else to have him either, must have messed with his head something terrible, no wonder his mum couldn't stand me,!!

I think we only see it from the girls point of view until we go through it with a son.
Just to give you hope I collected my son from uni today and he announced he’d met his future wife last night. Of course he is older and wiser and a lot more cynical but at least he still has the confidence to go in eyes wide open with optimism but with the added knowledge that relationships are not everything.
Thankfully it seems girls are just as practical when they enter their twenties, particularly those who are undergraduates. I’m always wary when he dates girls who have no ambition. Unfortunately DS is not planning to work just for money he wants to enjoy work and is realistic that this doesn’t always equate to a huge salary, so he’s not a good catch for anyone hoping to be a kept woman.

@Crwysmam your son sounds like he has got his head screwed on and is in a really good place now, he obviously has the boundaries in place but is open to new opportunities. I love that for him and it must reassure you.
I can't wait for my DS to be in this mindset, obviously this is ridiculously early for him to be feeling anything but sadness, but he will get through this (this is my mantra!)

Yes and no. It’s been a tough few years for him with family events. Two close bereavements and both DH and I have had serious health problems so he’s had to grow up quickly. I honestly think had he not been so laid back he would have had a lot more problems. He’s not had a good 12months, by his standards, although still been out enjoying life, he hasn’t been in the right mindset for a steady relationship. His uni course has seriously suffered and he will be retaking this year, but he’s dealt with it himself. He knows what makes him tick and is now in a much better place.

I remember saying to him when he was rock bottom after breaking up with his first love, that it seems like it’s the end of the world but it won’t be the first time and there will be many times in life where everything feels hopeless. I didn’t know at the time he would be facing it on repeat for four years.

He quietly worries about me because the latest bereavement was my youngest sister, my DH also had a stroke when DS was 17 and although ok, it has been a tough time being his carer. DS helps out a lot at home with the jobs DH used to do but we tried to encourage him to be a normal teenager. He actually didn’t need too much encouragement and has a big network of friends who have helped. And didn’t back off when he was struggling.

If you met him you wouldn’t know he’s been through the mill which has been an issue because his version is “ I’ve had a few personal problems” in anyone else’s version it would be “ my world has caved in”. Once he gave his uni tutor a full timeline of events she has totally backed off and they have allowed him to deal with it. He has coped with being away from home, living in a flat with friends but couldn’t handle attending lectures. He admitted to being agoraphobic and only being able to leave the flat with his friends. It was only after a few months that we all realised how much he was masking. What made it worse was having scabies that proved difficult to get rid of. He had severe itching and he said that what stopped him going to lectures was the fear of passing it on and being sat for an hour without being able to scratch.

But yes it’s great to see him happy again.

@Crwysmam wow he has been through a lot , you must be so proud of him after all the worries and stress, and how he has handled it all.
I'd be worried sick if my son wasn't living at home and going through this so that must have been so hard for you, id be wanting to move in next door to keep an eye on him!
I guess living with his friend will have helped a bit because they are much better with their friends arnt they,
Im struggling a bit with this, DS has a large group of friends usually , the house normally has a few hanging around, but apart from one lad who popped in for an hour the other day, literally not seen any of them, I had hoped that they would be coming over and taking his mind off it, but no, not seen anyone, I just feel so sad 😢

I think it could take longer than the two weeks that a PP suggested, for him to recover.

Whilst you cannot replace the girlfriend, you obviously have a close relationship with him ( which is lovely) , so my advice would be to be there whenever he wants a chat and spoil him a bit with meals/cakes etc. It sounds superficial, but my DS later told me this was really helpful.
Id also tell him that you’re always there for a chat even late at night.