To give sister home truths

[NCNCNCNCNCNCC]

I have one sibling, a sister, who is lovely and I have a good relationship with her. She's a few years younger than me and probably been mollycoddled a bit as a result (including by me). She has a heart of gold but sometimes she seems to be very focussed on herself and not so much when I want her to be around for something. If she has something going on she goes on and on and expects me to be there, as I would want to be as her sister, including a week away for her hen do even though I have young DC and always being out to celebrate her birthday and a recent award she received. When it's my birthday she posts a card to me but doesn't visit, usually has plans the weekend of my birthday (she's been away the past three years) and it has stung. I always buy a thoughtful gift and visit her to give it plus I know when her birthday is so I tend to keep that weekend free as I know she likes me to join in her celebrations whether it's with her friends or our family.

She just told me she can't attend my hen do in May as she's made other plans. She knew when it was as I told her but she's booked a holiday. I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it. She didn't even call to let me know, she only told me as I told her my MOH hadn't heard back from her. I told her I do so much for her and I'm always there but recently it seems it's a one way thing. She got annoyed and hung up the phone (but I think she was upset rather than being deliberately rude) and now I feel bad.

I want to say sorry for having a go but I also still feel let down and I expect if I apologise she won't think about what I've said.

To be clear I don't begrudge her making other plans. It's because it's clearly important to her that we're there when she has something going on and I always am but now it's the third time in a few months where I feel let down by something like this.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.

We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

Well summed up. This thread has absolute potential to become a ‘shall I go no contact with family’ in another few years when any children who come along aren’t treated equally, the sister’s family are all that matter and the DM is only interested in keeping the peace rather than behaving more fairly.

one can never assume from a post similar family dynamics as their own, but this one has red flags everywhere for me. The OP has got some hard years ahead, if it genuinely is as I suspect it to be.

Yes I see what you mean and I don't know. I can't square the circle in terms of understanding why she wouldn't think I might be upset about something she would clearly be bothered by. My only conclusion is I've given her reason to think I don't need that as I've never really asked for it before but I don't think I'm wrong for asking now. I just feel I blindsided her as she obviously wasn't expecting it and that's why I feel bad.

You have every right to tell her why you’re hurt. How she responds to that is important.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.
We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

If DS doesn't want to be treated like a child, she shouldn't act like one.

Seems like you (and likely parents) are reaping the products of the entitlement seeds you sowed years ago.

She sounds self obsessed and more than a bit of a CF!

DO NOT apologise! if anything, she needs MORE of a wake up call!

She's being a crappy sister.

You are well within your rights to be upset.

If she doesn't come back with apologies and make amendments, it's time for you to stop prioritising her as much as you do.

I have several friends that had younger sisters like this.

When they had toddlers they were nowhere to be seen. No time, no interest and actually found the children an annoyance at family gatherings, even though they were only 5 years younger.

Then they have children themselves and decide they want to visit my friends, hang out at theirs and user their children as entertainers for their busy babies and toddlers.

My friends had to spell it out that they did not want drop ins, their children had neither the time nor the interest at the weekend to be used as entertainers.

It's been brutal. Particularly as my friends made it so clear to their parents that any interference would not be tolerated.

It has been a very steep learning curve for all three younger sisters.

I think it was their lack of tolerance for their children when they were young more than anything that stung, rather that offers to help out.
Definitely reaped what they sowed there.

She's just using you as a doormat and as other posters have said, she's self absorbed and only thinks of herself. Do not apologise!!

I'm totally with you on this. I think it speaks volumes that she didn't even bother to reply to your MOH. Didn't want to lose face I reckon.
Btw, is there a reason you didn't choose her to be MOH? Could she be annoyed about that?

Sorry I'm late replying but interesting you have three friends with the same thing! Must be a younger sibling thing. Some people just don't see beyond themselves.

Dsis and I are sort of talking as normal but she hasn't mentioned this since I told her I was upset. As usual it's all about her but I was hoping I'd get an apology or acknowledgment they she understands why I'm hurt but nothing. I'm not going to fall out with her but I'm quite disappointed.

Op, yanbu in the slightest, and should imo have it out with her. She is being a dick.

But I wonder, were you her MOH? Was she expecting to be yours?

If yes to both, maybe shes upset about it?

Still, i think you need to have a proper go at her and tell her to cancel her holiday. Sorry x

Sorry op. She sounds very self absorbed. Definitely don’t make yourself available for her birthday going forward nor give her generous presents, match her energy.

She is very self absorbed and cannot be wrong.
Have no doubt that she will feel the very wronged victim in all of this.
But why wouldn't she?

This is how she has been reared.
To be the most important one, mothers favourite.

You are deeply conditioned to expect little for yourself.
You have children, be careful of passing down to them that it is ok to be treated poorly by people who should care for you.

Ask yourself honestly, is this what you want for your children in their future friendships/ relationships?

All giving in one direction?
I don't think you do.

Our children watch, see, hear, absorb.

On the sister thing, another friend had a sister that was similarly self absorbed and was very focused on herself and her life with her husband, travelling and living a great life. She would visit briefly, regale them of her fab life, with little interest in anyone else.

At 39 they wanted a family and when she found out she was pregnant they decided to move home after living away for 18 years.

Everyone was very happy for her, but when the baby arrived they really expected her two sisters with late teenage children to be available to give them time off, babysitting etc.
She expected her two nieces to be keen on babysitting too.
Her husband was no better, expecting his side to step in so they could continue to have a great social life.
They were both deluded.

Neither of them had EVER babysat their nieces and nephews, having never been even slightly interested in them.

Their siblings were all past the baby stage and had zero interest beyond an initial cooing.
They were all busy with work and their own lives and neither were interested in slotting in weekend babysitting now that they were finally enjoying some freedom themselves.

Their teenage children all had part time jobs and had no interest whatsoever in giving up their weekends to babysit, and my friend refused when her sister had the nerve to demand she insist.
Firm words were had, and a clearing of the air.
They loved her, were delighted she had her baby, would definitely be there in an emergency, BUT, they all were long past that stage and had zero interest revisiting it.
They certainly weren't going to be telling their 19 year olds how they should spend their Saturday nights.

Her sister admitted that she had thought they all would be "thrilled" to help her.
She was wrong.
Many women having raised their own children, have little interest in babies.
I'm definitely this person as is my friend.

Her sister now has a very busy toddler and herself and her husband have adapted somewhat, but very quickly decided they were one and done.
They go on a lot about how permanently exhausted they are, so stopping at one was wise.

Focus on your friends and these relationships and hopefully space from your sister will help you set better boundaries and expectations of how you should be treated.

Long term this will serve you well.

The total lack of apology tells you everything. She doesn't see any reason to change anything in her life for you. She sees you as a character in her life, for her use, not as a person in your own right with your own life. I know you don't want to fall out with her but I'd find it very hard to keep going as before.

Your sister is a Princess, look how she went on about a cousin missing her birthday!!!

Seriously you need to spell out to her that you a disappointed that you matter so little to her, not even enough for her to apologise to not attending your hen do.

Does she have children yet?

I’m looking ahead to when she does have DC and how everything will be about them, then as your DP become elderly and need support - she will expect you to do the grunt work.

If she can’t be bothered to attend your hen do are you still having her as bridesmaid?

So the hen do has been and gone? How did it go? Did your sister not refer to it at all when she was on holiday?

People who have a heart of gold don’t act like your sister. The pattern seems clear, she can’t cope with someone else being the centre of attention. That is deeply unappealing. You have nothing to apologise for.

I remember this thread when it came up originally and I see from your update @NCNCNCNCNCNCC that you've not actually got an apology from your sister, which is terrible.

Have you had your hen weekend yet? She sounds so selfish and like most people have said on the thread, you need to start having boundaries with her. If you see some of my previous posts, I had a similar issue with my cousin, my only (older) cousin who was very selfish and became cruel when I started carving out my own life. Main character syndrome all round.

If you haven't addressed it, tell her again quite clearly that not attending your hen despite you giving her the dates is incredibly hurtful (was it deliberate that she booked the holiday or thoughtless?, either way it's a shit way to treat your only sibling).

Don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. Match her energy. Minimum effort for birthdays in future and any other events. If she complains, say, well I'm just matching what you do to me.

Agree entirely. Not apologising to you is really poor behaviour from this sister, but proof that she is a selfish, thoughtless person.

It amazes me how little self awareness some people have. It can't be all take and no give, forever. Your mum has enabled this behaviour really but you've started standing up for yourself now and that's good.
Not going on your hen do is awful. Make sure you do the same when it's hers.
If she only wants a relationship where she gets fawned over and you get nothing, that's not really on. Not any more.
Don't expect any support from your parents in this; they are totally conditioned to put her first, protect her feelings, keep her happy, at your expense if necessary. I've been there! Anything that deviates from the "sister first" policy will be mean, petty, nasty etc. It isn't!
I am totally done with my younger sister for a similar thing. She is only interested in being the centre of attention and milking people for support in all forms. Nothing comes the other way. Our 75 year old mum is running herself ragged trying to keep her sweet including doing all her housework. It's very odd.

Could you give us some examples of her 'heart of gold'?

It has a huge whiff of narcissism IMO.

And parents that have indulged them and put them first see nothing wrong in expecting the other child/children to be available for caring duties etc.

I have seen a lot of this with favourite sons being the adored cossetted one and daughters just being expected to step up when required.

Two of my friends, after invaluable therapy, found the strength to move just that bit further away, and go full-time as their children hit seconday school.

Their parents had favoured the other grandchildren providing endless childcare, and when they were no longer needed expected their daughters to step up as driver to them.

Moving just 15 minutes away and upping their hours meant they were not available and able to say "better ask my brother about that".

Of course they still care about their parents, but after 50 years of being othered, they are happy to remain in the background as they age.

Your sister sounds self-absorbed and spoilt. It’s all about her and to hell with how anyone else feels. I wouldn’t fall out but I would take several steps back and match her efforts. If she complains then maybe she’ll understand how she’s made you feel.

I would honestly lay a lot of her behaviour at your mother's door. You have said that your mum always favours your sister and has done from childhood. The family dynamic is that she is the 'golden child' and you are the 'scapegoat'.

The fact that you and your sister are close and haven't fallen out before this is because you have bent over backwards to ensure that you never do anything to displease your sister. You have always put her first, just as your parents have done. If she's done anything to upset you, you have just sucked it up without complaint. I bet that a lot of this was because that was what your parents expected you to do.

You quite rightly felt that your hen do was important and that surely your sister would do the right thing this time and put you first. Your disappointment is understandable but you are still trying to see the best in her. You have described her 'having a heart of gold' but her entitled behaviour would indicate otherwise.

You need to stop pandering to her and putting her first.

Thanks for all the replies.

I've still never had an apology from DSIS about the hen do. If hasn't been mentioned, in fact. Meanwhile, whenever we speak, it's all about her and what she has going on. She's invited us to their house for a dinner party next week but is expecting my mother to cook all the food, which she isn't happy about but won't say no, and it is quite clear to me she's not sorry and actually doesn't care at all about my feelings.

I'd like to say something without us falling out but not really sure how.