To give sister home truths

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I have one sibling, a sister, who is lovely and I have a good relationship with her. She's a few years younger than me and probably been mollycoddled a bit as a result (including by me). She has a heart of gold but sometimes she seems to be very focussed on herself and not so much when I want her to be around for something. If she has something going on she goes on and on and expects me to be there, as I would want to be as her sister, including a week away for her hen do even though I have young DC and always being out to celebrate her birthday and a recent award she received. When it's my birthday she posts a card to me but doesn't visit, usually has plans the weekend of my birthday (she's been away the past three years) and it has stung. I always buy a thoughtful gift and visit her to give it plus I know when her birthday is so I tend to keep that weekend free as I know she likes me to join in her celebrations whether it's with her friends or our family.

She just told me she can't attend my hen do in May as she's made other plans. She knew when it was as I told her but she's booked a holiday. I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it. She didn't even call to let me know, she only told me as I told her my MOH hadn't heard back from her. I told her I do so much for her and I'm always there but recently it seems it's a one way thing. She got annoyed and hung up the phone (but I think she was upset rather than being deliberately rude) and now I feel bad.

I want to say sorry for having a go but I also still feel let down and I expect if I apologise she won't think about what I've said.

To be clear I don't begrudge her making other plans. It's because it's clearly important to her that we're there when she has something going on and I always am but now it's the third time in a few months where I feel let down by something like this.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.

We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

Well summed up. This thread has absolute potential to become a ‘shall I go no contact with family’ in another few years when any children who come along aren’t treated equally, the sister’s family are all that matter and the DM is only interested in keeping the peace rather than behaving more fairly.

one can never assume from a post similar family dynamics as their own, but this one has red flags everywhere for me. The OP has got some hard years ahead, if it genuinely is as I suspect it to be.

Yes I see what you mean and I don't know. I can't square the circle in terms of understanding why she wouldn't think I might be upset about something she would clearly be bothered by. My only conclusion is I've given her reason to think I don't need that as I've never really asked for it before but I don't think I'm wrong for asking now. I just feel I blindsided her as she obviously wasn't expecting it and that's why I feel bad.

You have every right to tell her why you’re hurt. How she responds to that is important.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.
We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

If DS doesn't want to be treated like a child, she shouldn't act like one.

Seems like you (and likely parents) are reaping the products of the entitlement seeds you sowed years ago.

She sounds self obsessed and more than a bit of a CF!

DO NOT apologise! if anything, she needs MORE of a wake up call!

She's being a crappy sister.

You are well within your rights to be upset.

If she doesn't come back with apologies and make amendments, it's time for you to stop prioritising her as much as you do.

I have several friends that had younger sisters like this.

When they had toddlers they were nowhere to be seen. No time, no interest and actually found the children an annoyance at family gatherings, even though they were only 5 years younger.

Then they have children themselves and decide they want to visit my friends, hang out at theirs and user their children as entertainers for their busy babies and toddlers.

My friends had to spell it out that they did not want drop ins, their children had neither the time nor the interest at the weekend to be used as entertainers.

It's been brutal. Particularly as my friends made it so clear to their parents that any interference would not be tolerated.

It has been a very steep learning curve for all three younger sisters.

I think it was their lack of tolerance for their children when they were young more than anything that stung, rather that offers to help out.
Definitely reaped what they sowed there.

She's just using you as a doormat and as other posters have said, she's self absorbed and only thinks of herself. Do not apologise!!

I'm totally with you on this. I think it speaks volumes that she didn't even bother to reply to your MOH. Didn't want to lose face I reckon.
Btw, is there a reason you didn't choose her to be MOH? Could she be annoyed about that?