To give sister home truths

[NCNCNCNCNCNCC]

I have one sibling, a sister, who is lovely and I have a good relationship with her. She's a few years younger than me and probably been mollycoddled a bit as a result (including by me). She has a heart of gold but sometimes she seems to be very focussed on herself and not so much when I want her to be around for something. If she has something going on she goes on and on and expects me to be there, as I would want to be as her sister, including a week away for her hen do even though I have young DC and always being out to celebrate her birthday and a recent award she received. When it's my birthday she posts a card to me but doesn't visit, usually has plans the weekend of my birthday (she's been away the past three years) and it has stung. I always buy a thoughtful gift and visit her to give it plus I know when her birthday is so I tend to keep that weekend free as I know she likes me to join in her celebrations whether it's with her friends or our family.

She just told me she can't attend my hen do in May as she's made other plans. She knew when it was as I told her but she's booked a holiday. I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it. She didn't even call to let me know, she only told me as I told her my MOH hadn't heard back from her. I told her I do so much for her and I'm always there but recently it seems it's a one way thing. She got annoyed and hung up the phone (but I think she was upset rather than being deliberately rude) and now I feel bad.

I want to say sorry for having a go but I also still feel let down and I expect if I apologise she won't think about what I've said.

To be clear I don't begrudge her making other plans. It's because it's clearly important to her that we're there when she has something going on and I always am but now it's the third time in a few months where I feel let down by something like this.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.

We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

I can't see this heart of gold you mentioned. She sounds extremely selfish.

She should be apologising to you not the other way round!!

You say she has a heart of gold but that doesnt come across in your post. She sounds thoughrless and inconsiderate and self centred.
You on the otber hand sound kind and considerate. She should be apologising to you.

OP this is ringing so many bells. I have 2 younger sisters and they both do similar, but particularly the younger one - expect the full bells and whistles for any of their events/celebrations but then don't reciprocate. Then if you ever comment on this or make a stand and match their (lack) of effort, you're the mean one!

Please don't apologise. If anything you should have said more, not less and laid out all the issues you've been letting fester, so she can understand it's not you just overreacting to one incident (although I wouldn't think you would be overreacting even if it was just this) but is a culmination of poor behaviour on her part. I understand you don't want to fall out with her but you can acknowledge you didn't intend to upset her without apologising for it. Perhaps make the comparison with 'I'm sure you didn't intend to upset me, but you have really hurt me."

Apart from anything else it was really rude of her to not respond to your MOH. Organising a hen is such a PITA, you'd expect the bride's family to not make it any harder!

You can happily sit back knowing you don’t ‘owe’ any of these things, as they weren’t given to you.

I’m in a similar position, whilst I hated having zero help raising my kids - was all done by myself and DH - I’m now sooooo pleased that those that didn’t help now have young kids and I never have to repay babysitting or show any interest at all, so I don’t! I also like to mention how relaxing my weekends are now 😂

Very true. My sibling is also annoyed that I have relaxing 'grown up' holidays now even with my (young adult) DC in tow and had expected that we would go with him and his family to 'share' the childcare. It's actually rather liberating to be able to say no without an ounce of guilt knowing that we've been through the toddlers on holiday stage many years ago without any offers of help. Hopefully when the current situation has died down a bit the OP will feel she can free herself from feeling she has to prioritise her sister.

Well done op!

However you seem to all pander to her behaviour and she certainly has you doubting yourself doesn’t she?

Be reassured you have done nothing wrong and correctly you have boundaries in place - you need to give her a taste of her own medicine- she knows your birthday date and yet she continues to constantly make herself unavailable

You seem to gloss over that thinking it’s not quite meant to hurt you but actually she knows that she is doing it and she relies upon your silence and tolerance

Please consider only sending her a card next time and making yourself busy that weekend and she can have a taste of her own medicine

Fair enough - in that case I think you were well within your rights to tell her you were disappointed in her. She sounds like a massive hypocrite and it was really bad of her not even to tell you herself that she wasn’t coming.

I have a younger sibling who is a selfish pita because they were always prioritised. Mother always gave in to them, they could do no wrong & so grew up extremely entitled.
It's hard because you are made to feel that you are in the wrong for saying no or wanting the same consideration that they get.

You are not wrong. But it's been ingrained for years so unfortunately the sibling will continue to expect that the world will revolve around them with no effort on their part.

Agree, you are being far too forgiving for her poor behaviour.

If she was a friend you'd have dumped her.

Once you pull people up it's never the same sadly.
It causes an atmosphere
Your lucky she hasn't come back and said some things about you. That's what usually happens. All peoples stored up complaints come out and then there's a row

I think people need to keep their councel at times, if they can't fair enough but be prepared for a shift or an argument.

She had a party a couple of years ago and one of our cousins was away on holiday, so quite similar to this situation, and she went on about how unacceptable it is and selfish of our cousin to do that

I think she needs to be reminded about that @NCNCNCNCNCNCC .

I mostly just feel bad for upsetting her regardless of who is right or wrong but I'm also conscious there was no apology, even in reply to my text. No "sorry I didn't realise it would upset you" so that makes me think I was right to say something because she actually isn't that bothered about upsetting me maybe.

This.

She’s being really unfair to you. She’s got all the main character energy and you have a walk-on role. Time to even things up.

And in a healthy family dynamic, a good airing of views helps clear the air & everyone moves on.

Honestly, sweeping things under the carpet just lets the issues linger & get more ingrained. Which is fine, so long as you're the one taking the piss.

It is interesting how family dynamics develop. There is often one person where people walk on egg shells around to try and please them and keep them happy. Please don’t apologise. You have done nothing wrong.

Now you have upset her once, you will do it again as you stand on your own two feet. She will throw a tantrum, just like a 2 year old does when it’s told “no”. She will have to learn a new way of living just as you are. Remember, you the appliance, have faulted.

If you don’t learn to build a bridge and get over it, the level of angst you will set yourself up for will take up too much headspace. Figure out how to just shrug your shoulders and carry on with your life when the occasion warrants.

You need to hold firm on this, she’s waiting for you to climb down and make her right, she’s a grown up now, not a child and she’s not treating you well. It is the right thing to set boundaries and expectations,

No "sorry I didn't realise it would upset you"...

OP, I have news for you, she did know that it would upset you but she DOESN'T CARE. Everything as far as she is concerned is about her. You are dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies who has been indulged all of their life so far. Stop doing that. Just remember that you have nothing to apologise for.

I think you feel bad for upsetting for her because she’s the favourite and so you’ve been conditioned as a child to always keep her happy, ‘see her side’ over your own and that her feelings matter more than yours. You were taught the care goes one way because you are the older sister. But even as kid and as especially as adults, sibling care should go both ways.

Unfortunately if you continue to grow a backbone, expect your parents to side with her eventually and to pressure you to make up with her to ‘keep the peace’ (note that they probably won’t pressure her to apologise to you). Don’t listen to them.

There a reason she is the way she is and it’s your parents. They spoiled her and taught you to do the same. You probably do rightfully feel a lot of resentment deep down, but you buried it as child because you had to.

I think keep asking yourself, does my sister care about me, and if she doesn’t, why should I care about her?

For example, you care about being there for your sister on her birthday and hen do so that she feels happy and loved on these occasions. But does she care about your happiness?

You care about your sister being upset and text her to tell that to her. But does she care about you being upset?

It’s completely understandable why you are hurt and I would be too in your shoes.

For some people, celebrating birthdays is a huge deal, for others it’s not. Is there any way she may have thought you’re not as bothered as her about celebrating? I might be clutching at straws here! The hen do is hard to fathom and very hurtful.

What’s screaming out at me from your posts is she is treating you in a way in which you wouldn’t treat her. You’re considering her feelings in response to you telling her how you felt. You want something back and the hurtful behaviour acknowledged. This is all very normal behaviour from you in my view.

gosh I hope she’s not one of your bridesmaids

She SHOULD BE upset. Don't apologise, don't minimise. You have indulged her shitty, self-absorbed behaviour for far too long. It's not good for her. How do you think her life will go if she behaves like this in all relationships? Time for a dose of reality.

Absolutely no way should you apologise. She's so entitled and has you running around pandering to her. You organise your life around her to the extent you are going away for a week for her hen do and leaving your young children.
Time to pull back from her rude behaviour and start putting yourself and your own family first. Your parents seem to indulge her entitlement too.
Start putting boundaries in place otherwise your children are next in line for such treatment.

Do not apologise for being honest with her.

guarantee she is waiting for everyone to back down, this (once again probably) validating her shitty behaviour. Put a stop to it.