To give sister home truths

[NCNCNCNCNCNCC]

I have one sibling, a sister, who is lovely and I have a good relationship with her. She's a few years younger than me and probably been mollycoddled a bit as a result (including by me). She has a heart of gold but sometimes she seems to be very focussed on herself and not so much when I want her to be around for something. If she has something going on she goes on and on and expects me to be there, as I would want to be as her sister, including a week away for her hen do even though I have young DC and always being out to celebrate her birthday and a recent award she received. When it's my birthday she posts a card to me but doesn't visit, usually has plans the weekend of my birthday (she's been away the past three years) and it has stung. I always buy a thoughtful gift and visit her to give it plus I know when her birthday is so I tend to keep that weekend free as I know she likes me to join in her celebrations whether it's with her friends or our family.

She just told me she can't attend my hen do in May as she's made other plans. She knew when it was as I told her but she's booked a holiday. I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it. She didn't even call to let me know, she only told me as I told her my MOH hadn't heard back from her. I told her I do so much for her and I'm always there but recently it seems it's a one way thing. She got annoyed and hung up the phone (but I think she was upset rather than being deliberately rude) and now I feel bad.

I want to say sorry for having a go but I also still feel let down and I expect if I apologise she won't think about what I've said.

To be clear I don't begrudge her making other plans. It's because it's clearly important to her that we're there when she has something going on and I always am but now it's the third time in a few months where I feel let down by something like this.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.

We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

she's my family so it's different

That's what she's counting on.

No, it's not different. She should be treating her family with love and respect. You're getting disrespect and rudeness.

It's about time you called her out. It's ok to be pissed and raise your voice when you've been treated poorly. You're supposed to be her doormat, of course she's going to be upset when you call her out on her shitty behaviour instead of fawning over her.

Do some reading on the Golden Child and Scapegoat. See if anything resonates. But you do need distance from her.

She NEEDS someone to get angry with her. She NEEDS to know that her behaviour is inadvertently and very hurtful.

People have pussyfooted around her all her life, and it's very obvious that that had done her no favours. You were entitled to be angry, you were honest, and she needed to hear it.

What does your DM feel about the situation OP?

My parents said maybe I could have done it in a different way (maybe in person?) but they haven't said they think I was wrong.

My sister tends to be the only person who has a go at me. And generally she has a point and here you definitely had a point...

We don't particularly socialise but with sisters who do, I think the hen party is the one event that they make time for and put effort into attending and making it memorable for the bride.

It's the inbalance that's the issue. My sister is unhappy if I miss one of her family's birthdays but ignores my family birthdays. So I do get why it bothers you but I've had to let it go, the relationship as a whole is the main thing. But missing the hen is out of order. And again, I say that as someone who didn't have one!

Don't apologise. Yes you're all reaping what you have sown but (hopefully )it's not too late.

Let her stew, tell her you're fed up of the energy she puts into your relationship and from now on it'll be different.

If you don', there will be no pulling her back.

Don’t apologise. She’s really thoughtless. Start matching her energy - you don’t have to be rude but she gets you a generic birthday gift, you get her a generic birthday gift etc.

Of course she has booked a holiday when it's your hen do on purpose.
As she has when it's your birthday.
To me she doesn't like someone else being the focus.
Don't apologise. Stop making excuses re her behaviour. Stop making a fuss on any occasion she is celebrating.

You say your sister 'expects' you to be at all her birthdays, her week-long hen do etc. But does she really expect it? Or does she just indicate that it would be nice for you to be there? Because I'm suspecting it's more like the latter than the former, and those are two really different things.

I think you go to her celebrations because you have some internal sense obligation, not because it's 'expected'. And that's on you, really. I think you've been martyring yourself a little bit, probably unnecessarily, and kidding yourself about what she actually 'expects'.

She is self centered. She doesn’t have a “heart of gold” as you put it because she never lifts a finger for you or is even aware of the imbalance in the relationship. Its partly your fault as you treat her like a cute toddler whose narcissistic self involvement is to be expected and indulged. For her own good you need to draw the line and let her know what normal expectations are. And that she is failing to meet them.

Sounds like a similar situation...

My eyebrows were raised at going on her week long hen "week" abroad when you have young kids tbh.

I don't think a lot of women would have the aura of thinking her hens could all spare a WEEK for a hen do. Madness. Unless you're all extremely wealthy and don't work that seems quite a huge ask of people. Very.... Main Character Energy.

YANBU to call her out. Perhaps apologise for the delivery but not the message.

I'd also be surprised if it's totally by chance that she's been away for the last THREE of your birthdays. 🙄 You know when your sister's birthday is.

I'd scale back on her much effort you make going forward and match her energy.

Oof this hit a nerve. Its tough with sibling relationships, and I'm sorry she's treated you this way tbh. I don't think it sounds like you even had a 'go' at her, you were just honest and said 'hey look, I'm always there for you, why aren't you there for me?' And thats fair enough. The fact she got upset and hung the phone up would have me waiting for an apology tbh, on top of the fact she hasn't bothered with your birthdays the last 3 years, but to miss your hen do? Would royally piss me off. Not like its something you can do every year, and you were there for hers so you would expect it would be reciprocated.

What I will say is that a lot of people, and very commonly youngest siblings, have a tendency to cry to get out of things. Its the most subtle form of manipulation and often they dont realise theyre doing it. I work with a woman who genuinely cries and gets upset whenever anyone says anything to her about what shes doing wrong. She once allocated all overtime to herself when she knew everyone else needed hours. She was confronted about it and started the crocodile tears. They do this to make you look like a complete twat if you carry on confronting them while theyre 'so upset'. Dont fall for it! Say "I can see that you're upset, it wasnt my intention to upset you. However, the matter at hand still needs addressing, when youre calmer".

I would not stand for this OP. I would tell her that she has upset you (rather than annoyed) because you make the conscious effort to ensure you are free for the events and occasions that matter to her. Yet, when you have important events/occasions that you want to celebrate, such as your once-in-a-life hen-do, you would expect she shows the same gratitude and turns up to show she cares and values you. Tell her it wasnt your intention to upset her, and youre not attacking her, you just want to talk about it.

I have an older sister and she is very difficult. Definitely doesnt have a heart of gold. She resented me for having a child before her and has barely spoken to me in the last 4 years since, despite always maintaining she didnt want kids. Go figure. I hope you work things out with her, its not worth falling out forever over but perhaps a learning curb for her to strengthen your relationship and be more supportive in the future, as you are for her.

@NCNCNCNCNCNCC it is an unbalanced relationship, you give she takes. As simple as that. The other way round is never going to happen as she lives purely in her own bubble for which you are invited into when she needs you, or wants you there.

Do not apologise or dance to her merry tune moving forward. Pop her extremely selfish bubble - she needs to learn this behaviour is unacceptable.

You could be right but she doesn't just say it would be nice if could be there. She asks me way in advance and even if I say yes she tells me again. She tells me a third time usually and reminds me what time it starts so I'm not late. I've never said I can't make it so I don't know what she would do then.

She had a party a couple of years ago and one of our cousins was away on holiday, so quite similar to this situation, and she went on about how unacceptable it is and selfish of our cousin to do that so I think she did expect us all to be there. It's things like that which make me find it so odd she thinks it's okay when she does it.

Thanks for this reply. I definitely don't want to fall out with her. I really love my little sister but yes I think I will leave her to think about it for a bit.

Its ok. I know how it feels with siblings, worse feeling in the world falling out when youre close. Still pine for my big sister to this day. I hope she comes to her senses! She'd be a fool to lose such a wonderful sister like you.

That's kind. I really hope you work things out with your sister too.

Stop putting in so much thought and effort for people who won't and don't do the same for your, regardless of who they are. Your sister not coming to your hen do is terrible when you have done so much for her.

If she's the youngest were you brought up to treat her as 'special'? It sounds like for whatever reason she expects that family will prioritise things that are important to her but doesn't feel the need to reciprocate. You're right to tell her how you are feeling and hopefully when she's got over the shock of someone actually calling her out she will reflect and try to do better. I have a similar situation with a younger sibling but unfortunately everyone else in the family continues to treat him like he's the special little boy so I don't think he'll ever change but I maintain I am right to refuse to play along. Currently he is complaining that I haven't put enough thought in to his child's birthday present, didn't visit on his child's birthday and haven't offered to babysit whilst he and his partner go out for their anniversary. My children are almost adults and very occasionally he put £10 in a card (that I suspect Mum bought), never visited or called for birthdays and has never ever babysat or offered to babysit. But apparently I am all kinds of evil for not being more involved with his child.

OP, have a think about your self esteem.
It seems a tad deliberate and she doesn't like the light on any one but her.
Drop that rope.
She needs to grow up.
As for your mother with her very obvious favorite🙄

I mean I could write a whole post about my parents... but I won't!

OP i feel a bit sad for you.
You say you dont want to fall out with her but be honest, could she actually care less about you? From what you've said she sounds horrible and you either chose to ignore it or just have a very low opinion of yourself.

I honestly think she does care but she has a bit of main character syndrome and there appears to be a disconnect between what she wants from us versus what she does for us.

OK fair enough she's your sister so she probably does care but its actions that count. This is more than main character syndrome and you deserve better, relationships can't be all one sided.
If anything you've been too nice about this and let her away for too long and I dont really get why? Would you let a friend away with it?