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Original poster

To give sister home truths

82 replies

NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 13:48

I have one sibling, a sister, who is lovely and I have a good relationship with her. She's a few years younger than me and probably been mollycoddled a bit as a result (including by me). She has a heart of gold but sometimes she seems to be very focussed on herself and not so much when I want her to be around for something. If she has something going on she goes on and on and expects me to be there, as I would want to be as her sister, including a week away for her hen do even though I have young DC and always being out to celebrate her birthday and a recent award she received. When it's my birthday she posts a card to me but doesn't visit, usually has plans the weekend of my birthday (she's been away the past three years) and it has stung. I always buy a thoughtful gift and visit her to give it plus I know when her birthday is so I tend to keep that weekend free as I know she likes me to join in her celebrations whether it's with her friends or our family.

She just told me she can't attend my hen do in May as she's made other plans. She knew when it was as I told her but she's booked a holiday. I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it. She didn't even call to let me know, she only told me as I told her my MOH hadn't heard back from her. I told her I do so much for her and I'm always there but recently it seems it's a one way thing. She got annoyed and hung up the phone (but I think she was upset rather than being deliberately rude) and now I feel bad.

I want to say sorry for having a go but I also still feel let down and I expect if I apologise she won't think about what I've said.

To be clear I don't begrudge her making other plans. It's because it's clearly important to her that we're there when she has something going on and I always am but now it's the third time in a few months where I feel let down by something like this.

I suspect I probably am being unreasonable because I shouldn't expect her to be there if she doesn't want to be but then I should have given less to her. She's my only sister so I just don't know.

We are in our 30s before someone says we sound like kids!

OP posts:
Kettless · 16/03/2026 14:00

Do not apologise.
She sounds extremely self absorbed.
Match her energy going forward and stop behaving like a doormat

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 16/03/2026 14:01

You need to stop making excuses for her. Absolutely unacceptable that she has booked a holiday over your hen do given her own expectations about her birthdays/hen do. Do NOT apologise. Start mirroring her effort.

LadyDanburysHat · 16/03/2026 14:03

Agree that you should not apologise. Let her stew in it. She is selfish.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/03/2026 14:03

It doesn't sound like you had a go? It sounded like you shared some facts (I went to your hen do and birthday, but you've ignored mine, and not for the first time) and how it made you feel (hurt, upset, not a priority). Unless you called her names, became aggressive, or expanded what you said ('you're always selfish') saying things like this is a perfectly normal part of healthy relationships, and if you suppress them it can backfire.

So no, you're not being unreasonable in the slightest, she is being selfish, and can't cope with the truth (hence the hanging up). Someone who pressurises people to do things when they don't put the effort in to reciprocate deserves to be called out. So I'd maybe have a think about why you seem to be equally as worried that you've upset her, by questioning her shit behaviour, as you are about the shit behaviour. Why have you put up with it for so long already?

Original poster
NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 14:11

Thanks for the replies. I really can't decide if I owe her an apology. I don't know if I went too far saying I was so annoyed. She was upset and I feel bad for upsetting her and we don't usually have that sort of relationship. On the other hand, these things have been festering and I was upset when it was my birthday a couple of months ago, and once again I had a card, no gift and she was away (not even having said sorry she'll be away) so when she told me today she wouldn't be here for my hen I was really annoyed. I don't usually say anything to her so maybe that's why I feel off. I'm upset. She seems upset. I texted her after saying I don't want her to be upset but I am disappointed she's away again when I have something going on that she should have been here for.

OP posts:
saraclara · 16/03/2026 14:15

You're not remotely unreasonable, and you shouldn't have apologised.

She wants all the flags out and your presence and presents when it's her birthdays, and ignores yours. This isn't a one-off, it's a pattern.
You told her when your hen was going to be, she booked a holiday for those dates.

There is nothing forgiveable about any of that, and you were absolutely justified in telling her.

I really wish you hadn't apologised, because now she thinks she's behaved reasonably and you're the bad guy.

5128gap · 16/03/2026 14:18

Don't apologise. That's exactly how people like your sister get away with doing as they please regardless of the impact on others. They do the thing, then when you tell them how you feel, they become the more upset one so you end up reassuring them. Over time this leads to increasing resentment so is bad for both of you.
She has upset you. You said your piece. Don't dilute your message by apologising.

TheSandgroper · 16/03/2026 14:19

Of course she is upset. Her personal validation device seems to be a bit broken. One does get irritated when one’s appliance develops a mind of its own.

You have your priority when you think of your sister. She is shouting on a billboard what her priority is.

It’s up to you to now decide how you will behave towards her in the future and if you are prepared for the fallout. But I think your own view of your world has shifted and that’s always an uncomfortable time of life.

Original poster
NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 14:19

saraclara · 16/03/2026 14:15

You're not remotely unreasonable, and you shouldn't have apologised.

She wants all the flags out and your presence and presents when it's her birthdays, and ignores yours. This isn't a one-off, it's a pattern.
You told her when your hen was going to be, she booked a holiday for those dates.

There is nothing forgiveable about any of that, and you were absolutely justified in telling her.

I really wish you hadn't apologised, because now she thinks she's behaved reasonably and you're the bad guy.

Edited

Thank you. I didn't apologise. I just said I don't want her to be upset but basically she has form for this and she can't expect me not to be upset about it.

I feel a bit better that you haven't all told me a tw@t 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 14:21

TheSandgroper · 16/03/2026 14:19

Of course she is upset. Her personal validation device seems to be a bit broken. One does get irritated when one’s appliance develops a mind of its own.

You have your priority when you think of your sister. She is shouting on a billboard what her priority is.

It’s up to you to now decide how you will behave towards her in the future and if you are prepared for the fallout. But I think your own view of your world has shifted and that’s always an uncomfortable time of life.

Thanks. Yes I will do less certainly in terms of gifts but in terms of being there for her birthday it just feels right to do that.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 16/03/2026 14:23

It's only a one way street because your effort continues. Pull back, adjust your expectations, and no, you don't need to apologise to her because you told her you feel upset.

She put the phone down? Let her. She doesn't want to meet you half way in the relationship? Let her. The relationship will change, she won't like it, she's become very used to you being amenable and making effort, but unless you want a one way relationship with her, then things are going to change.

She might step forward and fill the gap you create, she might not, but either way you won't feel resentful and that's the goal.

outerspacepotato · 16/03/2026 14:23

Time to match that energy.

You've bent over backwards for her and chased her and fawned over her despite her not coming close to matching that. She didn't even call you to let you know she wouldn't be coming, you asked you MOH as you hadn't heard from her. That's disrespectful and rude.

Your sister thinks she can treat you any old way and you take it and come back for more. You've been tolerating poor treatment and that just showed her she can walk all over you.

You are not a priority for her. That's what it boils down to.

When you spoke your mind about it, she hung up.

Distance yourself. She's rude and selfish and no, she doesn't have a heart of gold, sorry. I think it's time for low contact with her. Be civil, but don't go to her events, don't buy her gifts, don't go an inch for her, much less the extra mile like you've been doing. Be civil, but grey rock her if you see her. Withdraw your attention. She just got moved far down your priority list.

Is there a Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic going on in your family?

Original poster
NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 14:29

She's always been my mum's favourite, not necessarily my dad's, but she has generally got away with a lot more for being the youngest. We don't have any rivalry so it doesn't usually cause tension. She's generally reliable and if I needed her help she would help if she could but it seems specific to this issue of not showing me any appreciation when it's my birthday or my hen do, which for a while I just shrugged off with her not getting it, but seeing how demanding she's been when it's her own events, I can't do that any more.

If this were a friend I would just pull back but she's my family so it's different and you're also right that I've allowed this for a long time, so that's why in a way I do think I had to say what was on my mind. I just could have done it in a more planned and tactful way and maybe not on the phone.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 16/03/2026 14:33

But she NEEDS to be upset! She needs to recognise that YOU are upset too by what she has done (or not done). Why are you still babying her?

ArcticSkua · 16/03/2026 14:36

It's really rubbish that she hasn't prioritised your hen do. I would be really upset about that OP. You've spent too long protecting her feelings and not making a fuss.

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/03/2026 14:39

You are perfectly reasonable to feel upset and perfectly reasonable to let her know. Don't you dare apologise!

HisNibs · 16/03/2026 14:43

As usual the first post nails it. Perhaps OP, she's using the appearance of being upset to manipulate you? Why do you feel the need to apologise?

MeetMeAtTheMexicanDisco · 16/03/2026 14:46

I don't know if I went too far saying I was so annoyed. She was upset and I feel bad for upsetting her and we don't usually have that sort of relationship

But you are annoyed (and rightly so).

Why do you feel bad about upsetting her. She has upset you by being thoughtless. I doubt she is giving it one second of headspace - neither should you.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 16/03/2026 14:48

I feel bad for upsetting her and we don’t usually have that sort of relationship

Yes you do, it’s just that it’s normally you who is upset. When was the last time she apologised for upsetting you?

HotBaths · 16/03/2026 14:51

NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 14:29

She's always been my mum's favourite, not necessarily my dad's, but she has generally got away with a lot more for being the youngest. We don't have any rivalry so it doesn't usually cause tension. She's generally reliable and if I needed her help she would help if she could but it seems specific to this issue of not showing me any appreciation when it's my birthday or my hen do, which for a while I just shrugged off with her not getting it, but seeing how demanding she's been when it's her own events, I can't do that any more.

If this were a friend I would just pull back but she's my family so it's different and you're also right that I've allowed this for a long time, so that's why in a way I do think I had to say what was on my mind. I just could have done it in a more planned and tactful way and maybe not on the phone.

I think that’s an important realisation in terms of changing the dynamic — that you’ve trained her into this imbalance, that she expects you to prioritise her stuff, but thinks it’s natural not to prioritise yours. You will need to be the one who changes the expectations.

hairbearbunches · 16/03/2026 15:02

I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it.

Are you absolutely sure about that, OP? It should have gone in her diary the same day you told her, if you have the relationship you're trying to convince yourself you have. On the strength of this little stunt, I'd be having serious thoughts about having her as a bridesmaid. You're her sister. She's treating you like a work colleague she doesn't like that much.

Original poster
NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 15:12

hairbearbunches · 16/03/2026 15:02

I was really upset because I thought she'd see it as a priority. It's not a cost issue, and I don't think she did it on purpose, it's as if she just didn't think of it.

Are you absolutely sure about that, OP? It should have gone in her diary the same day you told her, if you have the relationship you're trying to convince yourself you have. On the strength of this little stunt, I'd be having serious thoughts about having her as a bridesmaid. You're her sister. She's treating you like a work colleague she doesn't like that much.

Yeah she 100% should have known the date so I don't see how she planned something else without seeing an issue.

No she hasn't apologised for anything. She seems to just think it's the norm that I do more for her but that's because it has been.

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 16/03/2026 15:14

You’re the one who should be upset! She should be apologising to you.

Original poster
NCNCNCNCNCNCC · 16/03/2026 15:18

AuntieDolly · 16/03/2026 15:14

You’re the one who should be upset! She should be apologising to you.

Yes I do think she owes me an apology as well. I'm just not happy with the way I spoke to her and that might be what's bothering me. I don't think I was fully out of like but I could have been more measured. I did have a go and raise my voice but I was upset.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 16/03/2026 15:28

She's done what?! That's unbelievable. She's been very thoughtless towards you. It's not surprising you're disappointed.

Don't back down. Give her time to think about her selfish actions.