Remember not to work harder than the people you're helping

[Bargepole45]

Just saw this and thought how true it was in so many aspects of life. I think it's a pretty good mantra to live by.

I prefer to be in what I call “Karma Credit” so I do lots of kindnesses for people without the expectation of it being paid back.

How about only ever give what you're happy to with no strings, no expectations and no thought of reciprocality?

sniff sniff

The scent of the conversation killer is in the air...

Disagree. Going to work and also helping an elderly neighbour is wrong according to OP.

Easier said than done with some people that will literally demand help and assistance. Also society places expectations on people so that they feel obliged to help and support. It's complex.

How many mantras actually do?

"Do unto others as you would have done unto you" - pretty fucking risky for a heart surgeon.

Some people definitely sit back once they're being helped, and aren't bothered to see that other people are struggling to help them.

No I really can’t. It’s one of those quotes that has been created in an attempt to sound really deep, but in reality it means nothing, it’s a nonsense.

Yet virtually everyone else understands it and finds it has meaning even if they don't agree with it. Weird that...

I think that's unrealistic,there are some days I definitely haven't got the energy to try to do my best let alone actually do it.

OP,it's a good reminder. No point in getting burnt out yourself as you stop being of use to anyone.

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need". It's Marxist but it works well for this!

Somehow along the line, this no longer works in schools!

I mean, that's obviously nonsense.

If I help out say an eldery relative with some physical work, I'm obviously working harder than they are.

People in my life which show it is a nonsense saying

My autistic teenager who is coming up to her GCESs

My elderly neighbour

My DF who is housebound

The people with drug/alcohol dependency that I support in my job

People who call the helpline that I volunteer for.

And my friend who is just overcoming PND.

I think it works in some situations. You can’t support someone with mental health problems if they won’t do it. You can’t work with a cheat to repair a relationship if they aren’t at least pulling their weight.

I would expect virtually all of those people to be working as hard as you are in helping them. Their 'work' might look different than traditional work but still I would expect them to be expending at least the same amount of time and effort helping themselves as you spend helping them.

Having been a young carer and latterly a caring adult for a parent with a degenerative terminal illness, I completely disagree with this ‘mantra’

That’s very pithy. I like it.

My personal favourite is: no good deed goes unpunished.

So you think my father with dementia, my autistic dc, my friend who is in hospital due to PND, people who I support who are going through withdrawal, and some of the people who call the helpline who have just been through horrid trauma are all capable of expending the same time and effort?

Yes it’s basically don’t put more into a person than they are willing to themselves.

Do help the person who wants to learn. But don’t waste for effort on someone who doesn’t want to learn but just wants the answers.

Do help the person who cannot lift the heavy item. Don’t help the person who just cnba.

I think that the vast majority of them will have to commit an awful lot of time and energy to overcome their challenges and you will not be able to do the bulk of this for them no matter how much you want to help them. Ultimately in the long term, it will come down to them and their commitment to themselves.

Some people go through such unimaginable difficulties that at times it takes every bit of their energy to just get through a day. Should we just abandon them if at that time they can’t expend the same amount of energy?

No because they are clearly working hard to make positive change. If they are using every ounce of energy to get out of bed then that's what working hard looks like. If they just lay there and didn't even try then that would be a different question...

This is exactly it. They are expanding their energies and putting all they can into their situations. These are exactly the people who deserve lots of help.

The OP makes me think of my teenagers. I help them sometimes with stuff they could do themselves as they are doing other things to help themselves (I'll make a sandwich while they revise, etc.). They don't have to be helping me to the same extent as I help them but they should be working on something.
If they spend their time lazing around, which they do sometimes, then I cut back on the "help".

Obviously there are situations where this wouldn’t be applicable, but generally yes, I agree. It’s about energy matching. After having the piss taken out of me for years by people needing my help but expecting me to do more then them, or never returning the favour despite me very rarely asking for a favour in return, or taking and taking and taking from me and then dropping me when I was of no use, I now agree with what you’re saying. I have given a lot to various people over the years and it is rare that anyone gives me the same level of support back…so I’ve learnt this lesson the hard way.