I’m miserable and I think I’ve always been miserable

[Lesmiserablez]

I’m in my 50s and I pretty much regret my whole life. I would be described as successful. But I’ve always been miserable. I feel so trapped by my decisions- husband, kids, the full catastrophe. I’ve no idea what to do. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried anti depressants. I just can’t seem to do like the way everyone else does. Everyone else seems to hold things more lightly, and they seem to find life easier. I don’t.

Are you on antidepressants now? Finding one that helps can be trial and error and you do need to stick with it and stay on them. Same with therapy. Having said that, in addition, what can you do for yourself? What are you not pursuing that you think you can't?

The awful thing about depression is that when it has its hold you can’t even imagine your life happy. And memories can begin to be tainted, like you’re viewing them through a dark filter.

I’m sorry the therapies haven’t worked. When was your most recent talking therapy? At the moment what is your day to day life like? Are you getting outside? Do you spend time doing things for yourself?

My day to day life is crap. I’m wary of anti depressants because they’re so hard to get off of. Therapy has almost always been a disappointment- the most recent therapy was about a year ago and it was depressing. I think I’m depressed because life is just too hard. I saw a beggar on the street today, it’s too depressing to describe. But life just isn’t ready for most people. And I’ve made all the wrong choices and now I’m trapped in a miserable life

I don’t think I spend enough time doing things for myself. I do things for my kids and I find it a constant source of stress

You might need to stay on medication for life. It's not shameful. It's a medical condition. You have to stick with meds and therapy. You also need help through therapy to really assess what you can change and how to do that.

I’ve never really bought that idea that It’sa medical condition. There is no real evidence to back this up. Life is hard and people are disappointed by it. There is no real evidence of a “chemical imbalance in the brain”

Surely the evidence is that antidepressants work!

it sounds like things are really tough for you right now. Do you see it as a general, life is hard but some people find it harder, or life is hard and some years are harder?

What would be feasible for you to change about your life? Some studies have found joining a social running group to be more effective than antidepressants. Would you be able to find an hour a week to give time to something like this?

They’re good questions, thank you for your concern. I think it’s fairly clear ( from conversations with others) that I feel things way harder than others. I wish I felt the same way about my kids as my husband does. I just go too deep. And so I think life is harder for me.
yes maybe I should join a running club. Anti depressants have been pretty disastrous for me

Carving out time for yourself doing something where you see small weekly improvements and get outside can really help build resilience. You feel as you do now, but it’s not a forehone conclusion. You don’t have to feel like that forever.

I completely recognise the feeling you describe, especially feeling like others feel things differently and that there is something inherently wrong with me. There have been times when I felt like this. I took up running about ten years ago, and when I can’t get out for a run my low mood and pessimism will start to slip back.

I’ve never tried ADs as like you worry about coming off them, but I was lucky and had a good therapist a long time ago. But running has been a really good outlet for me - and walking too actually.

I hope you find the thing that works for you. It’s incredible when the mood lifts and the world feels very different and things can go wrong and it doesn’t feel like doom, you just get on with it. So different to when everything feels overwhelming and shit.

Have you considered a medication for anxiety to help you cope and process better? I don’t like antidepressants for a variety of reasons and have never taken them in spite of long term depression. However I’ve found low-dose anti-anxiety medication helpful in the past, especially when I’m feeling that stressed/overwhelmed sensation and dwelling upon things. It allows my brain to relax enough that I can process things or simply shove them aside and get on with it if necessary.

I think it’s dawned on me in the last few years that I’m most likely neurodivergent, though I’ve always been anti labels . I’ve never been ‘happy’. I feel like a square peg in a round hole. Feel
like it’s far too late for me to do anything about it now.

What would you be instead of being miserable? How would your life be different?

You sound like my DH who has had a late diagnosis of autism. It is very tough going to be married to someone who is constantly unhappy. The world is indeed in a terrible place, yet it’s important to find things that bring you peace, even if it won’t ever be joy. Can you think about self exploration as something good to do for those you live with?

Note to say that if you really don’t like being in a family, that is okay and you are allowed to split. That is a valid outcome of self exploration.

If you don’t mind me asking, what medication have you been prescribed for anxiety that isn’t an antidepressant? My anxiety is really flaring and I don’t think my ADs are helping. Thank you

ADs give me moments of brightness so that I can survive in a life where everything else feels pointless. I'm like you, everything feels dark, the world is horrible and I'd rather not have been born. However I was born so I keep going one miserable hour by another. ADs give me a few moments of happiness within that and I cherish those so much. I have come off them before and yes it's hard but it's absolutely possible so don't let that stop you.

I’d say I’ve an okay life possibly a good life but I can honestly say that the only times I’m truly ever happy is when I’m on holiday, especially when on my round the world trip 20 years ago. I always feel free!

So I know it’s just the day-to-day slog that find really hard. Much harder than others do. Without AD I just wouldn’t cope. I know I’m on them for life.

I think you're being very honest. You're afraid of getting addicted to antidepressants but things can't get much worse. The life you lead does not suit you and antidepressants will not alter that fact. They will enable you to cope better.

Life is harsh and I can only suggest drawing up a concrete plan to make a drastic change, if not now then in future.

Sorry that you're feeling this way.

I wonder if HRT (now called MHT) could be beneficial for you?

How old are your DC? Being in the thick of parenting and being peri or menopausal is not easy.

You sound unhappy in your marriage. Would your life improve if you got divorced? Something to at least consider.

How old are you OP, I know you said in the 50's, how old are your kids, do you work?

Surely you have some interest that give you joy?

I have no practical suggestions or solutions, unfortunately - only solidarity.

I go thru the motions. Buy food (jacket potatoes and porridge, mainly), put it in the cupboards, take it out of the cupboards, eat it, repeat. On Sundays, put washing on, dry it, put it away… & repeat. Go to my crappy job.

With 50-odd years now to reflect on, I realise (a little sheepishly 🫣) that I haven’t enjoyed life… there have been good times but on balance, too much trauma from the start.

The bad times have outweighed the great periods. Life feels like a giant mistake from start to finish & everything in between. To be truthful, I’m looking forward to the day it’s over with🤞🙏🥳🤩💃🏼🥂🍾🤸‍♂️😎🙏

I hope that one day you’ll feel a little brighter, and that I might, too.

Same . I don’t want to go into it and derail the thread but I have pretty much constant sl ideation and have done since I was a child. Sometimes on holiday I realise these thoughts haven’t crossed my mind in a few days and it actually shocks me.

But why stick to such a rigid routine, go shopping on Saturday and take Sunday off, do something different, book yourself an activity?

Can you explain why you are so worried about coming off ADs? Surely if you found a medication that worked for you, you wouldn’t be planning to come off it? Same as for asthma, epilepsy, high blood pressure?

I hope things improve for you, and for other posters feeling this way. 💐