I’m miserable and I think I’ve always been miserable

[Lesmiserablez]

I’m in my 50s and I pretty much regret my whole life. I would be described as successful. But I’ve always been miserable. I feel so trapped by my decisions- husband, kids, the full catastrophe. I’ve no idea what to do. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried anti depressants. I just can’t seem to do like the way everyone else does. Everyone else seems to hold things more lightly, and they seem to find life easier. I don’t.

Thank you 🙏 🌻

What type of therapy did you have and for how long?
What was your childhood like? How do you get on with your parents? What is their relationship like.
Our lives are usually dictated by our core beliefs which are usually created when we are very young.

Ok, I get what you're saying - just because SSRIs help depression doesn't mean depression is caused by a deficiency of serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine etc. But why on earth would that mean it isn't a medical condition?

There are a lot of factors which may lead to a person having depression - genetics, life trauma, stress, neuroplasticity, hormones, brain chemistry etc. Similarly, there are lots of factors which may lead to a person having Type 2 Diabetes - genetics, diet, body weight, hormonal and metabolic factors etc.

Why would one be considered a medical condition and the other not? Just because depression isn't simply a chemical imbalance in the brain doesn't mean it isn't a medical condition, and your opinion that it isn't one is not supported by the medical community.

I think the questioning of whether depression is or is not a medical condition can come from upbringing. There is still a bit of a stigma surrounding it, again I think it's partly generational - it was sort of seen as a moral failing or lack of "resilience" when I was growing up. I think it doesn't help that the possible biochemical mechanisms aren't tested for in the same way as physical conditions, and when offered ADs it's a bit of a generic exercise in trying various ones until something "sticks". I understand why this approach is taken, however, as you say the root causes of out of kilter mental health can be multiple.

I think alot boils down to loss of trust depending on individual experience, when too many negative experiences feed into fear of nothing ever going right for some people, so why should this. It's complicated for some to take a leap of faith if they've taken a psychological battering.

Some people absolutely have CIRCUMSTANTIAL depression. Of course it’s real and I’ve had it at times. It’s NORMAL to be depressed if your life is going badly. And CBT has been much criticised by many in the profession as basically just a form of gaslighting.

Gosh yes, CBT is very very doubtful at best. But it's cheap, so very popular with the NHS!

Yes if you’re depressed because you hate your job or you’re in an abusive relationship CBT and medication isn’t going help those situations.

Rigid routine helps. 🙄

Massive sympathy to all of you who feel like this.
Not much practical advice, though.
Just one woman here who understands, since childhood.
❤️❤️❤️

What are the CAPITALS for, BUDDY?

I know circumstantial depression exists. I've been living it for nine years. (or should that be NINE years, or maybe nine YEARS) No where in my post do I deny this.

But OP has always been miserable. Its not circumstantial.

Even with circumstantial depression, you can work on how to think about and respond to that. I know that because I live it.

People talking about things like exercise are right. Getting a mix of external 'programming' through things like exercise and eating and sleeping well and internal programming through how you think about and approach things is a really good way to deal with misery, whether circumstantial or not.

Well maybe CBT is badly taught. I came across it via Mind Gym an Australian self-teaching online programme which used to be free. Sadly isn't now. But it helped me so much, If it is possible to access it for a fee, I think the course is still worth doing. I was really stunned that I lived my life by pretty much every kind of distorted thinking: 'Always and never' rather than 'sometimes'; 'everyone else versus me' rather than 'one person's complete set of circumstances (not highlights) versus mine'; 'they hate me' rather than 'they may be busy/ill/preoccupied/having a bad day' etc etc.

There is a massive difference between toxic positivity and balanced thinking. Toxic Positivity is 'Don't worry! be happy! Turn that frown upside down'. That stuff just makes me feel rage and of course it's useless in the face of depression.

But CBT thought regulation and self-compassion are genuinely therapeutic. They can help you think (take OP's example) : Life is really tough right now. I am not getting any joy from it and I feel I have dug myself into a life I don't want to live. These are my honest feelings and thoughts in my current predicament, but it doesn't help to think, on top of this, everyone else is succeeding at life. It helps to think: I will be kind to myself and not compare my one life in its complexity against the highlights of other lives. I recognise all lives have ups and downs.

Then stuff like: while I am feeling down, I will be kind to myself. Just because I feel down doesn't mean I have no right to take good care of myself. I'll eat healthy foods, take exercise. I know it's hard while I feel depressed, so I will do what I can and not judge myself for any slipping. And I will set small, achiveable goals, like a 10 minute walk or 5 squats. I won;t set myself up to fail.

CBT is not, when done correctly, a form of gaslighting at all. It is a way of gaining balance, perspective and compassion during tough times.

Thank you very much, I appreciate this

Have you a link for that thread?

You might not realise it but I think you've just helped quite a few people with this, it was bloody lovely x

Saved my friend's life, but OK. She was just gaslit away from taking her own life.

🤔

And no, there were no circumstances. She was ill.

Yeah sure. You have no way of proving that do you. You can say anything on a forum. And I said it’s been widely criticised, and it’s used because it’s cheap. Many people have bad experiences with it.

Edited: Not the one I linked.

Could be this one but it's not an AMA. I couldn't find one on that board.

Dearie me. CBT has been criticised. Others praise it.

I've seen criticisms, that given your previous post are perhaps the ones you are referring to, that some people have bad circumstances and its normal to be depressed in these. Sure. No one would deny it. If you can change your circumstances, that is always the best choice. But some people can't change their circumstances. They have to find a way to live in them. Therapy like CBT may help with that. Some people are too depressed or defeated to look at changing their circumstances, therapy like CBT may give them enough of a lift to look at changing their circumstances.

I have a friend who attempted suicide, survived, and used CBT ( from a book) to turn his thinking around. I have another friend who refused CBT for two decades as she thought it was crap. She finally did it in her 40s and found it really helpful.

You've clearly had really bad experiences of it and that is okay. Courses for horses. I've never warmed to it either when I tried it. But some people do find it really helpful.

You sound a lot like my husband. He is going through the assessment process for autism and ADHD and is in therapy. He’s been on and off anti-depressants for 30 years. He doesn’t seem able to process emotions ‘out’ so every grief, embarrassment, upset from forever is held in his constant emotional state. Coupled with disordered attachment

It’s bloody hard to live with. Therapy is slowly helping but he doesn’t seem to be able to understand that his constant misery affects others. He thinks he’s great at keeping his emotions to himself and is bemused that anyone would be affected by the constant dripping misery because why would my emotions be affected by his emotions…

Therapy helps but it will be very long term and I’m just hoping the neurodivergence assessments help him

You need to reframe your thoughts. It’s not too late.

you are no worse and no better than anyone else. Please believe me. You have achieved more than you think you are just viewing it from a distorted perspective because others have told you something that isn’t true to make them feel better

" Glimmers" , I will try to remember this. ;)
Hope you will too , OP.
One small positive thing to notice and make each day better.

This is the one I was thinking of: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/5049303-i-microdose-magic-mushrooms-for-my-mental-health-ama

Well thanks so much for calling me a liar - which you have no evidence for, funnily enough

I have her word for it. You calling her a liar too? Used well and for the right cases it works. Not sure why you are so keen to deny that.

No doubt there are misapplications and poor therapists, as with all therapies. I never said it's a panacea.

this feels really key but I don’t know how to respond @Eyesopenwideawake
If I could just like my day to day life, that would be wonderful. My husband is a good man but he’s way too old for me and it’s frustrating being around him. My kids are good too. But I find the pressure of needing to make life ok for them way too much. I don’t like where I live. I don’t like my job. I don’t have good friends.
id like to like my work. I’d like some good friends. I’d like a satisfying marriage. If I had that then I could handle the stress of my kids (they are in their late teens)

You are not alone.

It is a key question – it's the first one I ask my clients – because while it's easy to focus on what we don't want, flipping this to what will make our lives better is the first step to making the changes (which aren't necessarily difficult or involve other people; often the most consequential changes are the ones in the way we think).