I’m miserable and I think I’ve always been miserable

[Lesmiserablez]

I’m in my 50s and I pretty much regret my whole life. I would be described as successful. But I’ve always been miserable. I feel so trapped by my decisions- husband, kids, the full catastrophe. I’ve no idea what to do. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried anti depressants. I just can’t seem to do like the way everyone else does. Everyone else seems to hold things more lightly, and they seem to find life easier. I don’t.

Not necessarily. You are right about the part of the mind trying to keep you safe but when the part realises this strategy is no longer appropriate or helpful it will let it go. This can happen very quickly, and painlessly.

So I went to the doctor today and started lexapro (not in UK before everyone hops on me). I’m sure I’ll feel better soon. It’s fake though. The problems remain. But I can feel how insufferable I am to everyone around me and it felt like the right thing to do

OP the only right thing to do is make some changes in your life and the longer you continue to fight against change the longer you will feel this way. The drugs will only help for a while.

Is there any possibility that you have ASD or ADHD and that is why life feels so stressful and difficult?

Would it help to make a list of things that you love and love doing. You are right that lots (most) peoples' lives are difficult and the world can be a terrible place but the way people approach and manage the problems in their lives obviously affects how things work out and their sense of wellbeing. Most of your problems will feel more manageable if you receive the right help to feel better!

I hope the Lexapro(Escitalopram?) works well!

I know you’re right @Vigorouslysnuggled , thank you. I’m hoping the drugs will enable me to think clearly enough to make these changes.

I’m not sure how knowing whether I have ASD or ADHD would make a blind bit of difference to me? I’m well aware of the rise in the number of people diagnosed with these conditions as well as the broadening of the criteria. I’m also fully aware of my how my mind works, my sensitivity etc. I sincerely can’t see how obtaining a fairly easy to obtain diagnosis would help me?

Yes you’re right it’s Escitalopram not lexapro maybe it used to be called lexapro?

That’s a great idea about making a list of the things I love and love doing (although these days the best I can hope for is like and like doing). I like reading, writing, chatting with good friends who understand me or who are interesting, I like music, nature, listening to podcasts, good food, playing chess,

i find being with my kids very stressful, i can’t see how this will change. I used to love being with my husband but now it’s a constant source of disappointment and frustration as he has hearing difficulties and his hearing aid never seems to work and he has ED and our sex life has disintegrated.

i find being with my kids very stressful, i can’t see how this will change. I used to love being with my husband but now it’s a constant source of disappointment and frustration as he has hearing difficulties and his hearing aid never seems to work and he has ED and our sex life has disintegrated.

Stress doesn't exist as a standalone entity – it's our emotional reaction to triggers or events. That's why one person will stay calm and another won't in exactly the same circumstances. Ditto your feelings towards your husband. If you want to change them, it can be done.

Today an ex colleague attempted to blackmail me. She said she’d tell our competitors everything if I didn’t send her money. I’m handling it. But it made me think of this thread and come to realise that I’m living in a very very toxic work scene and I reckon this is my main problem

This will be a big contributor as you have nothing to look forward to (‘me time’) you need to start carving some time out for yourself.
In the nicest way possible, coming off antidepressants would be the least of my worries if I'm feeling like I currently regret all my decisions in life (I’m on antidepressants myself btw).
Its not too late to start making changes to make yourself happy.

Yes @SemiSober , I think this is also key- I’ve literally nothing that I look forward to. I do need to be very careful coming off anti depressants- the last time I did that the withdrawal was so severe that I promised myself never to go on them again. They just give a boost to me; then I plateau; then they don’t work and I’m back where I began; then I find it impossible to withdraw. Round and round I go.
i need “me time”- I’ll read my book this evening and see how that goes. However I’m so freaked out and deeply disappointed by my would be blackmailer that it will inevitably cast a dark cloud over the next few weeks, anti depressants or no.

What a nasty little scrote a blackmailer is. I hope that when you say you're handling it, you mean the Police are.

The chemical imbalance theory has been debunked and ADs have limited efficacy (if any) but MN will cling to them insisting "they saved my life" and, if they want to believe that, then I have no interest in arguing with them.

Dr Dorothy Rowe wrote an excellent book "Depression - the way out of your prison." Another of her books is free on YouTube - search for Dorothy Rowe Breaking the Bonds audiobook.

Every area of your life feels shit right now but you do have the power to change it. You need to start small. I used to list " just 5 things" that I could do that week to improve my life. Going for a walk surrounded by trees was always one of them! Making sure I took my daily vitamin D. Watching an episode of Schitts Creek! Then I progressed to bigger stuff: opening a S&S ISA and then ... changing jobs!

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Thank you @TheLadyofMisrule . I totally and utterly agree with you about anti depressants. I love your just 5 things idea. I’m going to start that now!

Wonderful! I'll share one of mine for this week:

Inspired by an exquisite book Drawn to the Garden ~ Caroline Quentin - I want to garden but feel overwhelmed at the prospect. So I'm going to start with the bedraggled windowbox at the front of the house which I'm going to turn into a riot of colour. Then every time I pull onto my drive, or walk up the path, it will be there to welcome me. That's my weekend project!

I read advice once (probably on here) that we should aim to have one tiny thing to look forward to every day (might be a favourite TV programme, a hot bath, a dinner recipe you love) then a small thing to look forward to each week (a yoga or dance class, coffee or lunch with a friend, a film at the cinema we've been wanting to see) a medium thing to look forward to each month (a day out, theatre/gig/concert/comedy tickets, a weekend away) a big thing to look forward to or feel proud of each season (a holiday, participating in something that you feel proud to achieve like climbing a mountain, running a marathon, performing in a show, completing a piece of craft or art, getting and settling in a rescue pet, redecorating a room in the house or replanting the garden) and one major bucketlist or life item achieved every year so we feel our lives are moving forward in the way we want them to (that could be moving house, getting promoted, getting to a healthy weight, booking a lifetime-dream holiday, moving house to somewhere you would rather be, helping DC through major exams, finishing writing a book or self publishing one etc.

I can't pretend I achieve this all the time, but I am mindful of it, and do try to do one fun thing each day but also try to consciously plot fun or rewarding things into each year so the years don't blur into grey Groundhog days. If you can look back over a season of the year and think - we went to that great West End show; we rehomed a cat from the shelter and now she is settled; I helped DD practise and feel confident for her grade 5 piano and she got a merit; we have booked to go to Egypt and see the pyramids/ to Cornwall to body surf and eat pasties next year etc - then I think it helps to create injections of happiness into the sludge of everyday life. Then if you add lots of the small stuff that some people on here call glimmers (playing music you love, trying a new thing each day, watching a comedy, cooking for favourite dinner etc), the pinpricks of light join up and become beams and you suddenly realise you've felt pretty happy all day.

Thank you @Tonissister and @VelvetSabotage i appreciate it. It is emerging that i need to commit more to carving out joy in my days.

I think the carving out time for joyful activities sounds like a great plan.

With respect to time with your family- maybe you could think 'even though I'm not enjoying this yet, I know i am providing security/kindness/support/guiding my kids (and husband) and serving such a huge role in their lives'. Eventually you might find the situation changes but for now maybe you're a joy to them rather than the other way around.

That’s really lovely. I hadn’t thought of that and there is truth in it thanks @Cara707

I feel the way you do sometimes- why do other people seem to sail through whereas even in work I’m wondering how the eff can I do this twenty more years, I’m sore and exhausted and ‘only’ do 30 hours and my kids aren’t small small so I feel it should be easier.

I’ve started saying ‘does this need to be done today’ at home, or sometimes designate even simple can you bring that to x for me to the kids.

My friend changed everything in her 50s, started going to the local pool twice a week, joined a gym, and started going to bed early twice a week (do you see the theme😉). She’s also started reading and colouring and doing puzzles and duolingo. She’s the most chilled I’ve ever known anyone to be and she has three teens! She says her secret is hrt but now she’s in a habit of all the other stuff I’d say that does the job too.

Also I do know someone who had to try different ads- do consider that it might be a chemical imbalance. I have a meeting arranged with the doctor to look into her and antidepressants. Best of luck op, I think if we think about all this stuff as much as we are it’s a sign something needs to change

This. I feel the same as you OP…I realised I was never really feeling happy when me and my mum were watching a TV programme about happiness and she asked me on a scale of 1-10 how happy I was generally in my life right now. I said about a 5 and then immediately regretted not screening my answer up to an 8 or so because she looked so shocked / sad. I’d already screened it from a 3-4.

Since having children who are all neurodivergent I realise I am too (AuDHD). In my opinion a lot of people on anti depressants are. Doctors treating the symptoms rather than the cause

Op I really feel what you are saying. I was in a similar place to you in my early 40s. Stuck, not happy, not knowing how to change anything. I didn't really even know what I wanted.

What helped me was identifying small things I could do. Your children are late teens so in theory, you have some time to do things for yourself?
What I noticed was I would see things, classes etc in my area come up on Facebook and I'd think I'd like to do that, quickly followed by "but I can't".... Our I'd like to do that but I don't think people like me can...(sporty/outdoorsy things mainly, or creative things). One time I managed to catch that trail of thought in its tracks and I thought well why shouldn't I give it a try?! I booked in and spent the day terrified! It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Now I love to catch that feeling of "but I can't because..." and do it anyway!
Our as Susanne Jeffers said, "feel the fear and do it anyway".

But all it needs is to catch a fleeting feeling of "I wish I could" and think fuck it! I will! Badly if I have to, but I'll try it. The beautiful thing about our time of life is you run into other women who are doing the same. Honestly when you practise talking small steps you start to tune into yourself and what you do want. Trial and error. It's amazing how life conspires to help you out. As someone who can be quite shy and guarded I've got friends now that "adopted" me somehow. I can't even say how some of the friendships came to be, but it's all about the long game of taking one little step at a time out of your comfort zone.

If you have ADHD then you can try ADHD medication which might work to make you feel less overwhelmed by everything and everyone all the time. You are describing overwhelm and emotional dysregulation in a lot of your posts (your children causing you stress, you husband being a source of annoyance). These aren’t feelings of depression, although they are causing you to feel unhappy because you are stressed all the time. They are a direct symptom of ADHD. You say your mind races / spirals, and that you overthink everything. More ADHD symptoms which again are causing you to feel unhappy.

You can book an ADHD assessment privately for £1500-1900. Trying to get one on the NHS will take years. I would strongly recommend looking into how ADHD presents in women and consider doing the assessment. Your doctor simply putting you on antidepressants without trying to work out WHY you are feeling depressed is lazy. If they had bothered to ask even the most basic of questions they would have realised ADHD may be the source

I've been on ADs since late 90s, and now, after eldest dd being diagnosed with adhd and reading a lot about it I realise it applies to me too. I'm awaiting a diagnosis, the waiting list is 3.5 years! I can't afford to go private so will have to wait. In the meantime I'm going to try to reduce the ADs very slowly as they're not helping.
I am struggling with a lack of motivation and don't know what to do about it. Everything is overwhelming.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. It's been very interesting.