I’m miserable and I think I’ve always been miserable

[Lesmiserablez]

I’m in my 50s and I pretty much regret my whole life. I would be described as successful. But I’ve always been miserable. I feel so trapped by my decisions- husband, kids, the full catastrophe. I’ve no idea what to do. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried anti depressants. I just can’t seem to do like the way everyone else does. Everyone else seems to hold things more lightly, and they seem to find life easier. I don’t.

a bit more info could be helpful for us.

your relationship - do you make time for each other and love or even like him? is he a sex pest and you just want away? whats difficult about him?

your children - what ages and any SEN? whats difficult for you about them.

finances - is your pension in order for the future, are your bills manageable, who is the breadwinner, is the mortgage paid off?

re work, what annoys you about that? you could be working for another 20 years so it’s definitely possible to retrain as something else over the next year or two and then do that job instead. 20 years is a long time if you hate what you do.

or perhaps it’s the company’s ways of doing things you dont like so moving to another company or going self employed could help.

can you drop your hours down?

have you thought about hormones. it could be that which is really messing you up just now. we are all controlled by them, our adrenal system everything, so if they are out of balance we suffer throughout our lives. men too but not to the same degree.

there will be things you can change that may not be entirely what you’d choose but could help you find yourself again. like say nobody cleans and youre knackered. family conference, chores allocated out, you stop cleaning and people take more responsibility. if dp snores he gets to the GP and loses weight, while you move into another room to get sleep, as that is exhausting. if your job is stressful move sideways within the same company or work from home a day a week etc

dont give up. you can make improvements.

@dontletmedownbruce ... I can definitely relate to you.
Also late 50s, and don't seem to enjoy life. I go through the motions. I have a handful of friends I see, and enjoy their company for that short while.
I dont seem to have any interests? I read, and love my dog, but that seems to be it!
I know im a better friend than I am a partner, and I've made my peace with that.
I travel for the warmer weather, dont seem to have any interest in visiting places when I am away, I just have couple of weeks away before our summer starts and after it ends.
I sound like a very boring person.
I don't have massive regrets, but accept now that I have made some wrong choices in life.
I take amytriptiline, but more to help with migraines - which it does, so not sure that anything else can be taken at the same time.....

I just wrote a long reply but was unable to post it for some reason. Basically I feel the same and there is no coming back.

Yoga, several times a week. Difference in my attitude to life is incredible. I so, so wish I had known about this when I was younger. Keep telling my children. Keep telling everyone basically 😊😂. I've always done lots of exercise, knowing how it keeps me on track, but there is something very special about moving the body to music. Also holding poses, breathing through a little bit of stretch/discomfort that must be just incredible at lowering cortisol levels. No joke, for the first year of a certain class the instructor had a special wind down where she dimmed the lights - my eyes leaked tears every time for a year. It is like I shed so much sadness (I don't know why as I, to all intents & purposes have a great life, but I have struggled with depression). Suddenly that just stopped. My mindset has definitely shifted. I am better able to cope and the classes totally addictive - lots of pros, better sleep, better body shape, great flexibility.

Really hope you find something that works for you. I do think it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.

OP your post really resonates with me. Also in my 50s and I feel as if i've always "muddled through" life. I'm post menopausal, crashed through it early in my 40s and couldn't take HRT due to multiple female cancers on both sides. I've also had bad experiences with ADs and my reaction to recreational drugs (not habitually, just youthful folly) suggests I react differently to them too.

Conversations with younger people have elicited the opinion that I may be somewhat ND, and looking at both my parents, now sadly deceased, their "personalities" suggest similar. My branch of the family has suffered from consistent "failure to launch" in terms of careers, financial progression etc. It's almost as though we're not suited to modern life.

I've hit crisis point after multiple bereavements over the last five years, and all my anchors are gone. I'm being encouraged to seek help, but the rigmarole of accessing it leaves me exhausted, and I also do not want to risk ADs again.

My cats and my adult children keep me going to a degree, and I'm doing creative things but my future feels hollow. The instability of the world doesn't help, and while I try not to dwell on it, it's a bit difficult as it's hard to avoid.

I'm adopting two mantras - faking it in the hope I make it in some way, and survival out of spite.

I think our generation absorbed alot of "encouragement" to both "have it all" but also to sacrifice ourselves to others in a way younger generations don't necessarily readily accept. Little things like not "being allowed" to do or have nice things until one's chores are done or you've earned it in some way. Our upbringings and childhood experiences have a huge impact that we sometimes don't see until later years.

I know I'm rambling away, I "think too much" apparently, but what I'm trying clumsily to say, is you're not alone, and it's complicated. But the other day I came across a FB post about Grandma Moses, who became an acclaimed artist in her 70s, so there's always hope that we can find a niche.

So I send solidarity and whatever you try I hope something sticks. The first steps to improvement are accepting you want change, then trying to achieve it I think. Is there something, anything that brings you joy or satisfaction, start there, or try something new - although it may feel pointless, other people do, so why not you? Every little attempt is a success in itself, at least that's what I tell myself.

Do it for you, not because you "should", but because you are a valuable human being who deserves to live, not just exist.

And have an unMumsnetty hug.

Another here that wonders if you are ND / ADHD. Lifelong Depression and Anxiety are common presentations in women. Plus this often comes to the fore in peri/meno as Oestrogen drops.

Consider HRT, as decent dose of Oestrogen can really help improve everyday life.

Considering a ND / ADHD diagnosis can be helpful. For me personally, everything about my life has started to make more sense - although has been some anger / grief that my life could have been different had I known earlier. But def feel I understand myself better now, and am kinder and more accepting to / of myself now.

I so agree with you. I don't really enjoy anything. I've been thinking of joining a gym and going swimming in the mornings. I'm not suicidal, just epically bored with everything. Maybe driving for a food charity or something may help. I'm retired, so appreciate I have the luxury of boredom denied to others.

Someone did an ask me anything thread on microdosing here that was really interesting.

I'm 41 now and I am starting to understand why people become so down on life. It does sometimes feel pretty pointless.
People used to say life is hard and I never really fully understood but it's right, life is hard.
I'm trying to make time for things I enjoy more, it's easy to forget to do it a lot of the time but when I do it feels like I have a bit more control back and I am spending my time as I wish, even if it was for 20 minutes.
I completely agree with another PP that being on holiday makes me soooo happy, i would love to move abroad but it doesn't feel possible right now, good luck

I get your reluctance to stay on medication for life but what’s the alternative?

You might have 25-30 years left. Make the most of them.

Thought it was just me! Retired exactly a year ago, am so grateful I don't have to go out and face the world anymore.

Im nearly 65. Was incredibly happy for few years when I met my husband in 2014 but sadly things went dreadfully wrong a few years ago including DV.
don't feel particularly depressed, just look back over my life and wonder what was the point?
Worry now about how i will cope with ill health and old age
Had a cancer scare few weeks ago and secretly hoped it was the end
Thinking of you xxxx

I agree about the yoga.
Finding a good yoga teacher that isn’t just about Instagramable poses and who will introduce some meditation, affirmations, breathing, and mention a bit about philosophy is important though.
Ive found yoga to have a great impact on my life. I’m only about 18 months in but I love it.

I get this. I've had depression all my life, and have been on anti-depressants for over a decade. I had a mental health crisis a couple of months ago, and tried a new anti- depressant that seems to be working. I am accepted I will be on them for life. Regardless of the cause of my depression, I know the mechanism of these drugs makes more serotonin available to me, and that takes the two lowest floors out of how bad I can feel. That doesn't make life sunshine and rainbows, but gives me a little more ability to solve the problems I face.

My thinking is, if I had type 1 diabetes, would I be feeling bad about myself needing insulin treatment all my life?

I take omega 3 fish oil (with good quantities of EPA and DHA, good for the brain apparently) and vitamim D. I honestly think the lack of sun plays such a major role in controlling how I feel. I can feel exactly the same, but sun on my skin will instantly rejuvenate me. Perhaps this is also why I'm happier on holidays too like some posters mentioned? That and the lack of expectations, aside from having fun, and being away from the usual people, places and stressors.

Diet also plays a major role. Will look into yoga. I tried meditation over the years and like it a lot, but often find it hard to sit still doing nothimg as thoughts start circling. Perhaps the combination of thoughts amd movement might help?

Have a look into “glimmers”. They’re little moments of joy scattered through your day and when you start to make an effort to notice them, it may make you feel better.

Life can be a slog, absolutely. But for me it’s important that I find the moments of joy.

I had a ridiculously small
one yesterday morning. I woke early and got up to make a cuppa and when I was carrying it back to bed I could hear the birds just starting to chirp and it made me
smile a lot. I knew I was heading back to bed with a cuppa and a read of my book and it was a Sunday so I could take the morning slowly. Lovely.

I've started to make a book of glimmers, just tiny things like the way my son smiled at me one day. I wrote it down then reread it 6 months later, I would never have remembered it otherwise.

Hey op, just wanted to offer some solidarity and im enjoying reading the advice youre getting. Life is so hard, im a huge overthinker and catastrophise everything. Its not a nice place to be in 😞

Have you tried CBT? Because a lot of the comments you are making, which underpin your unhappiness I can now recognise as disordered thinking. CBT really helped me to understand that I had deeply ingrained disordered (or distorted? - I forget the term) thought patterns. And by spotting them, identifying what type they were and replacing them with more neutral, unbiased or compassionate thoughts, I was able to make some really positive changes.

One example you use and I used to use similar thought patterns a lot:
"Everyone else seems to hold things more lightly, and they seem to find life easier. I don’t."

First, literally everyone else does not hold things more lightly. Some people do (maybe they lack depth or sensitivity to the suffering of others around them?), others do some of the time but not always, others don't - they see life as bleaker than you do, and create havoc and despair. It's a sweeping generalisation that creates a sense of your own inadequacy but it's false.

Second, when we compare the one of us to the rest of the world, we are always lacking. We cherry pick one person's smily family that love being together, another person's immaculate home, a third person's high income and ask ourselves: why am I not wealthy, immaculate and loving family life like everyone else. If you dig down, you often find they do that one thing well and struggle with others. That's just human. It really helps to stop comparing the one of you or your one family to the entire rest of the world and cherry-picking the best bits from all over to compare with your own.

Next, I think it is healthy that you are quite clear on some reasons for your unhappiness and possible solutions. You do nothing for yourself. Of course that is not good. Can you work out a way to do one or two things that you'd enjoy every week? Ring fence that time?

If it's not possible (and I know there are periods in life, eg if you are a single parent with SEN DC when life is so hard and money so tight, you can't just sign up for dance or art classes or whatever) then the key is to wedge tiny, easy splinters of joy into everyday life. That's what I did.

Examples:
First thing in the morning, put on some beautiful piano music.
Chuck some bread out for the birds, brew a tea or coffee and watch them feed while the music floats over you for five minutes.
At night, while prepping dinner, put on your favourite upbeat music from your teens or your youth - or bands you have heard recently. The cheerful or beautiful stuff. Turn it up quite loud while you are chopping veg.

Once or twice a week, cook your own favourite food. If DC don't like it, they can have beans on toast or tinned spaghetti with grated cheese and peas.
Before bed read a page or two of gorgeous poetry or of a funny escapist novel.
Watch reruns of shows that make you laugh or films that are uplifting. Sign up for good news websites that focus on wonderful medical breakthroughs, compassionate aid, acts of bravery and kindness. The usual news is driven by awful stories. But there are wonderful stories out there, getting no attention.

Another thing that can open life up is: do something new every day and keep a brief record of it. Just trying new scents of bath foam or a new type of tea, or walking a new route to or from work, spending 5 minutes in an antique shop etc can start to open the mind.

Counterbalance the sadness. you are right that it is awful there are beggars, and life is hard. But it is also true that life can be spectacularly beautiful and kind. Look for three examples of such moments every day. When I actively did this I saw wonderful things. One that stays in my memory is: A train pulled into Clapham Junction. Our guard got off to check the platform and blow her whistle. A platform officer just held out his hands, pulled her into a shaft of sunlight, waltzed with her for thirty seconds then she got back on the train and we set off again. But there are ordinary ones: young men offering seats to older people on the tube, or offering to help strangers with suitcases and prams. supermarkets handing out free flowers and chocolates on sell by dates, rather than having them go to waste, buskers playing stunning music, gorgeous street art, beautiful skies, blossom in spring, sunrises and sunsets etc. Allow yourself to appreciate these endless examples of kindness and beauty in life to offset the darkness.

Sorry for this massive essay. But I have struggled in the past and these things all helped me. I hope some of them work for you too.

Your post made me cry. But in a good way. Thank you.

I love this idea. Might hunt out a blank notebook later. Read back on the days I find it hard to spot one.

I'm going to be a bit brutal. You sound like you feel you are too clever to get better. As if you understand that life really is terrible, but other people just are not quite as smart as you to realise this.

I am going to be even more brutal. I have real and genuine trauma in my life, and massive and real immovable obstacles that make day to day life really hard. Unusual things too - that there is no support group to join. I work hard to find the joy that I can. You can too.

You have programmed your brain through repeated negative thinking to look for what is bad. If you are prepared to put in the hard work, you can start to train it in another way.

If therapy does not work for you try something different. Look at things like marine training to cope under stress. Its practical and it works. I prefer things like this to therapy.

Find things you enjoy. Do those. Find things that went well in each and every day. Find things to look forward to the next day. Find a programme to retrain how you think. You can improve this if you are prepared to put the work in. You are much more fortunate than many others as you have a good life. You've just unconsciously programmed yourself to be seeking misery and negativity.

Put in the work to reverse it if you want to, or don't and stay the same. Its up to you.

Unpopular opinion alert but the one that has made a huge difference to my mental health was giving up gluten. And thereafter eating as healthily as possible and not drinking any alcohol at all.

Agreed. And exercise. I used to have low mood and people recommended exercise and I was cynical about it, but it has changed my life.

I’m not talking about gym sessions, I’m talking about any physical exertion. I started off walking places instead of driving, now I go hiking, all times of the year and in all weathers (within reason obviously).

When you’re out in that environment, it’s difficult to think of anything other than what you’re doing. It’s also a proper dopamine hit at the end and I find being amongst nature helps put things in perspective. I was there before I arrived and it’ll be there long after I’ve gone.

Have you done any screening tests for autism and adhd OP? That may be worth considering. There are several online tests you can access for free.

I agree with this, The happiest I have ver been was when I was doing 4 tough workouts a week, and walking daily. For various reasons can't do that now, but even a daily walk improves the mood.