Second Mother's Day since my mum died. Fiancé left me alone all day.

Icanseethosecitylights · 2026-03-15T21:22:10+00:00

Last year, my family had a simple get together on Mother's Day as it wasn't too long after my mum had died and just felt like the right thing to do. My fiancé was with me. This year, my family all did their own thing- my siblings have kids of their own. We don't have kids yet. His family don't do anything for these kinds of holidays, so he wasn't seeing his mum. But he decided to stay up all night last night, watching films and gaming. He went to bed at 10am this morning and I said I at least wanted him up for dinner together, because I was feeling a bit unsettled and missing my mum and didn't want to be on my own. He didn't get up and is still in bed now. I'm angry and upset and wondering what the fucking point is. I know if I go and wake him up, he'll be pissed off and grumpy. AIBU to hope that he would actually give a fuck and want to be around to support me today? I'd appreciate complete honesty- if I'm being a dickhead, tell me to sort myself out.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 15/03/2026 21:24

So he doesn’t do Mother’s Day… does he have a good relationship with his mother?

toodleoothen · 15/03/2026 21:25

Quite apart from your needing support, which is important, staying up all night watching films and gaming sounds like something a self-indulgent teenager would do, not an adult in a healthy relationship. What is he usually like? Are you emotionally compatible?

Moveoverdarlin · 15/03/2026 21:26

I couldn’t cope with this regardless of whether it’s Mother’s Day and you’ve lost your Mum. Staying up until 10am gaming? Jesus, what a loser. What a waste of a Sunday.

I thought you were going to say he was out drinking with friends, which I could actually cope with. When you have no kids, not married and lost your Mum, I can understand why he thinks Mother’s Day isn’t a big deal, but I just couldn’t be with a bloke that played games all night then fucks off to bed mid morning on a Sunday. He sounds like a dysfunctional 14 year old.

MandemChickenShop · 15/03/2026 21:29

You are not being a dick head and it's a bit odd staying up all night but I think perhaps you are being a bit needy and if he doesn't really do mother's day he probably doesn't get it.

It's a shame your siblings didn't include you in their day if you knew you would feel this way.

Original poster

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:29

Yes, he has a good relationship with his parents. They just don't go in for the 'hallmark' holidays. In my family, we would give a card and small gift like flowers or a bottle of wine.

I think I'm just missing her and days like today make the lack of her being here stand out even more.

I'm definitely a more emotional person. He doesn't really have much empathy and lacks some social norms. He's not diagnosed but shows some autistic traits.

OP posts:

whattheysay · 15/03/2026 21:30

I’m sorry about your mum and your day was crappy
Whats he like for birthdays and other occasions? Men/people like this who don’t care about occasions because it doesn’t mean anything to them will make sure that these occasions are not celebrated for you either. If you have children in the future do you imagine he’ll make a big deal about Mother’s day for you on their behalf?

Original poster

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:34

Thanks @whattheysay

He's okay at birthdays and Christmas, though he likes a list of ideas for presents from me so he doesn't get it wrong. I think I'd like more effort, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not really a dealbreaker.

The lack of thought and care today is more of a dealbreaker to me.

OP posts:

Windinmyhair · 15/03/2026 21:36

This is not going to change.

You need to decide if you want someone who games etc all night and sleeps all day and can't be arsed to get up, EVEN when you have a really good reason to want to spend time together.

Can you imagine having kids with someone that selfish who cannot prioritise you even a little bit?

Like, it wasn't a big event which had been in the diary for him for ages, he just couldn't be bothered.

I am being harsh as I am in a relationship with someone like this... and i'm 20 years down the line. It never changes.

Original poster

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:38

@Windinmyhair thanks for your wisdom. I'm wondering what makes you stay? Are there other things that make up for it?

OP posts:

DallazMajor · 15/03/2026 21:38

It’s thoughtless, selfish and dickish behaviour.

Redrosesposies · 15/03/2026 21:41

How often does he behave like a selfish teenage boy @Icanseethosecitylights?

Windinmyhair · 15/03/2026 21:46

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:38

@Windinmyhair thanks for your wisdom. I'm wondering what makes you stay? Are there other things that make up for it?

I was young, and by the time I realised that it wasn't going to change, we had children and I could not have afforded alone to give them what we can give them together in terms of security of housing/opportunities etc.

I don't hate him but the love has been eroded by the lack of care over decades. For example I got a hastely scrawled card at 7pm on my birthday this year (and that was because of the kids). That was it. At some point I'll do something nice for myself to make up for it.

toodleoothen · 15/03/2026 21:49

Windinmyhair · 15/03/2026 21:46

I was young, and by the time I realised that it wasn't going to change, we had children and I could not have afforded alone to give them what we can give them together in terms of security of housing/opportunities etc.

I don't hate him but the love has been eroded by the lack of care over decades. For example I got a hastely scrawled card at 7pm on my birthday this year (and that was because of the kids). That was it. At some point I'll do something nice for myself to make up for it.

Edited

Show quote history

@Windinmyhair I hope you'll do something nice for yourself like leaving him. Long term lack of care and thought is no way to live.

OP, in my experience too, these traits don't change. They only get more accentuated when life becomes more demanding/challenging and he stays as uncaring and thoughtless as he is now.

4wardlooking · 15/03/2026 21:50

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:34

Thanks @whattheysay

He's okay at birthdays and Christmas, though he likes a list of ideas for presents from me so he doesn't get it wrong. I think I'd like more effort, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not really a dealbreaker.

The lack of thought and care today is more of a dealbreaker to me.

Did you let him know yesterday that it’s very likely you’ll find today difficult and you will definitely need his support to get through it?

If you did, then you should question if he’s the man for you. If you didn’t, and you just assumed he should know, then that’s a mistake easily fixed.

mumofb2 · 15/03/2026 21:51

I would be upset. Men don’t think !!!

Original poster

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 22:29

@4wardlooking I didn't explicitly tell him I wanted his support. But I did tell him I was finding things difficult before I went to bed last night and that it felt weird and I was sad. Before he went to bed this morning, I said I wanted him to be up for dinner time so I wouldn't be alone, but he didn't get up.

OP posts:

4wardlooking · 15/03/2026 22:34

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 22:29

@4wardlooking I didn't explicitly tell him I wanted his support. But I did tell him I was finding things difficult before I went to bed last night and that it felt weird and I was sad. Before he went to bed this morning, I said I wanted him to be up for dinner time so I wouldn't be alone, but he didn't get up.

It’s a tough one, but I’d probably say he’s likely not THE one for you.

Keep a close eye on whether there are further disappointments or whether this is a one-off.

Ella31 · 15/03/2026 22:37

Forgetting the "hallmark side" of things for a moment, I'm sad for you, op because like it or not, today is a day where everything "mother related" is thrown in your face. He should have known today would sting and he could have done something nice to make you feel supported.

cestlavielife · 15/03/2026 22:41

Please do not marry someone who games all night

Ophir · 15/03/2026 22:44

He sounds awful, like dating a teenager, and your his mum telling him to be up for dinner

honestly, what on earth are you doing?

decorationday · 15/03/2026 22:50

Ella31 · 15/03/2026 22:37

Forgetting the "hallmark side" of things for a moment, I'm sad for you, op because like it or not, today is a day where everything "mother related" is thrown in your face. He should have known today would sting and he could have done something nice to make you feel supported.

I agree. If you stay with this man, every future difficulty in your life will be something you have to deal with alone without care or consideration.

I'm sorry. A decent person would have anticipated that today would be difficult for you.

ChiliFiend · 15/03/2026 22:51

I had to read that twice to make sure I hadn't misunderstood something. He's an adult who gamed until 10am then didn't get up for dinner?! What a loser, and that's before even considering his total lack of empathy for you.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 15/03/2026 22:53

This is not the kind of man you'd want to settle down and have a family with.

blythet · 15/03/2026 22:53

It’s not the Mother’s Day part that makes it unreasonable for me. It’s the teenage behaviour, I couldn’t be with a man child that behaved like this, regardless of what day it was

RampantIvy · 15/03/2026 22:54

cestlavielife · 15/03/2026 22:41

Please do not marry someone who games all night

I agree.
This manchild will never grow up.