Second Mother's Day since my mum died. Fiancé left me alone all day.

[Icanseethosecitylights]

Last year, my family had a simple get together on Mother's Day as it wasn't too long after my mum had died and just felt like the right thing to do. My fiancé was with me. This year, my family all did their own thing- my siblings have kids of their own.

We don't have kids yet. His family don't do anything for these kinds of holidays, so he wasn't seeing his mum. But he decided to stay up all night last night, watching films and gaming. He went to bed at 10am this morning and I said I at least wanted him up for dinner together, because I was feeling a bit unsettled and missing my mum and didn't want to be on my own.

He didn't get up and is still in bed now. I'm angry and upset and wondering what the fucking point is. I know if I go and wake him up, he'll be pissed off and grumpy.

AIBU to hope that he would actually give a fuck and want to be around to support me today? I'd appreciate complete honesty- if I'm being a dickhead, tell me to sort myself out.

I was with a man like this and I tell you now to get out. The lack of empathy that you think you can overlook now will only become more and more of an issue as time goes on and he becomes more entrenched.

She should have mentioned a few days before that she would like him to be awake at dinner time on a Sunday to eat a meal with her? Your bar is low.

No, my original comment was about Mother’s Day in general. If she wanted company on Mother’s Day I think she should have mentioned it before the morning of.

My bar isn’t low at all, I didn’t condone him staying up all night. But OP sounds as if she’d of been just as upset if he’d of got up at 8am and played football all day or some other hobby. I think that if something is important to you then you should mention it to your partner before the day.

With the knowledge that comes with age, I would end the relationship.

he stayed up all night gaming with the plan to stay in bed the whole day on Sunday: how much notice did he give you of this plan? Were you able to lake plans of your own, or was the expectation that you would just stay in the house alone all day? If you had children and he did this (and he will) how frustrated will you be parenting alone while he sleeps?

The lack of thought and care today is more of a dealbreaker to me
He is also thoughtless at birthdays and Christmas as he requires a list.

I'm definitely a more emotional person. He doesn't really have much empathy
This is a huge concern. A lack of empathy is not what makes a good husband. But also he is emotional. You said he would react emotionally badly to being woken when you said I know if I go and wake him up, he'll be pissed off and grumpy. That's emotional immaturity. He caused the situation. .

I'm angry and upset and wondering what the fucking point is
I am also wondering what the point of him is. You specifically asked for support and he refused. He is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

Hiw old are you both?
Have you actually planned the wedding and set a date?
Hiw often does he plan days or nights out together? And how often are you going out together?
How much housework and cooking does he do each week?

So op would have been equally upset if he made plans that didn't include her on sunday and left her without plans, without letting her know about it in advance. Yes both are unacceptable.

I think it’s disgusting that nearly half of Mumsnet do not understand the intense grief that follows losing your mum. Mine died 18 years ago and Mother’s Day is still one of the most brutal days of the year for me, they are extremely triggering.
Whether people have empathy of not, the truth of it is that if a partner outright says I’m not coping well and I need you, if the partner priorities gaming over your well being then there’s your answer.
I say this as someone married to a gamer who has the emotional intelligence of a sieve.

I am very sorry it was a difficult day for you OP and that you spent it alone.

This is not a good relationship. Regardless of Mother’s Day or bereavement. He’s a manchild. This is him at his best - what do you think will happen when children come along and he actually has to make sacrifices?

Seriously think about it. Too many don’t. This is who he is.

For me staying up all night gaming would be a turn off in itself but without knowing how hard he works I'm willing to entertain the idea that it is a release valve for him.

You say he lacks empathy, I cut him some slack here as to be honest to me that although this is upsetting to you it can be argued. that you are making too much of this. A hallmark day and the second year at that. It's not even a birthday.
It's not like you're seriously ill, there's been a catastrophe and he's not helping.

I can't help think that this is part of a bigger societal issue where people expect their partners to cater to all their needs. Which is just daft frankly.

My dh has autistic traits which have benefitted us hugely over the years.
Now don't get me wrong if I was very ill or there was a catastrophe I'd expect him to notice and help but I'm sorry with stuff where uber sensitivity is required I've just learnt to find outside support with other females.

Maybe you should stop trying to make him your everything and do the same.

Does not sound like much of a partner. Rather childish to watch films all night. He should not need to be told that you need support. I cant see what on earth is in this for you

I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the importance of those dates now having lost my parents recently. For me, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day don’t hurt, oddly nor do their birthdays though I do think of them, but the anniversaries of their deaths do. The anniversary of funerals don’t. Certain other events in the year do. We are all different on what dates hurt in particular (if any - your grief might not feel connected to a particular date). But I do not think I understood this fully until it happened to me. I understood it in theory but I think it has a very different meaning once you experience it, and become wiser to these things. It’s not realistic to expect everyone to have the knowledge and wisdom of events they’ve never come close to experiencing. That’s not the same as not caring.

Kindly, this sort of behaviour will only become more established and worse after you’ve been married a few years. Do you really want to build a life (with kids!) like this?!

I am really sorry you are missing your mum so badly. If she were still here, what would she make of your fiancé’s attitude and behaviour?

I suggest you need a big re-think.