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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second Mother's Day since my mum died. Fiancé left me alone all day.

86 replies

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:22

Last year, my family had a simple get together on Mother's Day as it wasn't too long after my mum had died and just felt like the right thing to do. My fiancé was with me. This year, my family all did their own thing- my siblings have kids of their own.

We don't have kids yet. His family don't do anything for these kinds of holidays, so he wasn't seeing his mum. But he decided to stay up all night last night, watching films and gaming. He went to bed at 10am this morning and I said I at least wanted him up for dinner together, because I was feeling a bit unsettled and missing my mum and didn't want to be on my own.

He didn't get up and is still in bed now. I'm angry and upset and wondering what the fucking point is. I know if I go and wake him up, he'll be pissed off and grumpy.

AIBU to hope that he would actually give a fuck and want to be around to support me today? I'd appreciate complete honesty- if I'm being a dickhead, tell me to sort myself out.

OP posts:
Caitl995 · 15/03/2026 22:55

I don’t want to sound callous but it’s not the 1st year without your Mum and as sad as it is you’re an adult. I don’t think I would be expecting that I had to hand hold an adult who lost a parent on the 2nd Mother’s Day after their passing. Going to bed at 10am seems weird but that’s a separate thing.

Miranda65 · 15/03/2026 22:56

Personally, I think the gaming all night is the concerning bit..... it's very juvenile.

blythet · 15/03/2026 22:58

I’d love to know that 46% of people that thinks this is normal behaviour. It’s like I’m living in some kind of alternate universe where it’s normal for a grown man to stay up gaming til 10am then sleep through til past dinner time?
In all seriousness OP, does he work? I’ve i stayed up right through til 10am then slept til after 9pm, I wouldn’t sleep overnight that night! So I wouldn’t be able to get up and function on Monday morning - unless of course part of the backstory is that he works nights

Viviennemary · 15/03/2026 23:01

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:34

Thanks @whattheysay

He's okay at birthdays and Christmas, though he likes a list of ideas for presents from me so he doesn't get it wrong. I think I'd like more effort, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not really a dealbreaker.

The lack of thought and care today is more of a dealbreaker to me.

Gaming all night is ridiculous. But I don't think he was unreasonable as regards mothers day. Maybe this man is not the right one for you but tbh he sounds more like a teenager than a grown man.

.

Lilactimes · 15/03/2026 23:08

@Icanseethosecitylights is your partner 15?

DrumsPleaseFab · 16/03/2026 07:23

Gaming all night and sleeping all day is weird when you have a partner who lives aand works normal daytime hours

i mean WHY? you end up not even living together really if you are awake and asleep opposite hours

s

tsmainsqueeze · 16/03/2026 07:33

I'm sorry you lost your mom but it's just a day, a mother can be celebrated any day , I don't think you can expect him to be at your side every mothers day, it must not be an important day to him and If he is otherwise a supportive man to you then that is what really matters.
I wouldn't mind if his gaming was a one off every now and then but every weekend is no for me.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/03/2026 07:40

The Mother’s Day issue is a bit of a red herring as the real issue is the gaming all night and then going to bed at 10am and spending all day there. That’s your future, right there - is that honestly what you want your life to look like? He is not going to change. A few years down the line, you could be a mother yourself and that’s the Mother’s Day you’ve got in store. And the birthdays and anniversaries…

Soreenmaltloaf23 · 16/03/2026 07:45

I have to agree with those saying the gaming then staying in bed for 12 hours would be enough of a deal breaker for me. You say you don't have kids YET. Would he change if you do?? I don't get the impression you are both on the same wavelength.

SiobahnRoy · 16/03/2026 07:52

Like others have said, the Mother’s Day element is irrelevant really. He’s an inconsiderate and selfish man child, why would you want to be with him?

ShodAndShadySenators · 16/03/2026 07:55

but it's just a day, a mother can be celebrated any day , I don't think you can expect him to be at your side every mothers day, it must not be an important day to him and If he is otherwise a supportive man to you then that is what really matters

It's not just a day though is it, it's the catalyst for OP feeling sad because she's lost her mum, who was presumably a decent and loving mother. And she was wanted him to empathise with her feelings and behave in a comforting and consoling manner, which he did not do because he is a selfish and thoughtless pig rather than supportive and generous. Nothing about his behaviour on this weekend has said "I care about you", it has only said "I care about me".

@Icanseethosecitylights I really recommend you move on from this self centred individual because he won't change and you deserve someone who cherishes you.

HarlanCobenDogshit · 16/03/2026 07:56

Sorry, another one here with an issue re the gaming.

Don't marry this man or you'll be writing on here, in 5 years, the exact same scenario but with two toddlers in tow.

Nightmare.

Boomer55 · 16/03/2026 07:57

The Mother's Day stuff wouldn’t bother me at all, but the all night gaming would, whatever day it was. All sounds a bit “ teenage boy” to me.

Newgirls · 16/03/2026 08:00

The gaming addiction (or whatever else he’s watching…) is a problem. Dont have kids with this man. He won’t help you enough and without your mum to help you will be doing it all. Sorry but this is your wake up call not to spend your life on him

Dery · 16/03/2026 08:04

IME men need things spelt out so
hinting you might need support or expecting him to infer that you do might not get you what you need. Better to ask directly. Like others, i think the fact he gamed throughout Saturday night and slept through Sunday is definitely a problem. You don’t mention your ages. Are you in a particular rush to marry this particular man? He’s not sounding great from how you’ve described him.

IwishIcouldconfess · 16/03/2026 08:05

Another one here, Mothers Day isn't the issue, the gaming is!

FancyCatSlave · 16/03/2026 08:10

Your future life as a parent with him has car crash all over it. Take heed.

He will not be father of the year and your emotional needs will not be met.

ChinaPlates · 16/03/2026 08:19

You aren’t even married yet. This is supposed to be the part of the relationship where you are spending all the time you have together and he’s up all night with his internet friends and then not getting up for dinner.

If you do stay with him and he doesn’t get up for your best friends wedding or when your child has to go to A&E then he will be able to say that he showed you who he was before you committed to him.

Dancingsquirrels · 16/03/2026 08:21

He's doing you a favour. Stay with him and this will be your life going forward. What are you going to do with that info?

Happyjoe · 16/03/2026 08:29

I don't think I could marry someone who does this. My other half will sometimes stay up too late at the weekend but if I woke him up, he certainly wouldn't be 'pissed off and grumpy' like you have said OP. He'd be good natured about it, esp if I took him a cuppa.

To be pissed off and grumpy because you expected him to be a normal, functioning adult who didn't stay up til 10am gaming is controlling and manipulation. Doing what he wants without any regard to being with you at the weekend is selfishness. He doesn't sound very mature or very kind.

Sorry about your mum OP. Sadly though people rarely respect anniversaries other than the first one and you can't rely on that. I hope you could take some flowers to your mums grave if she had one, or perhaps next year do something to remember her that's just for you.

SovietSpy · 16/03/2026 08:31

You indicated to him you wanted some support / company. You asked him to get up for dinner. Instead he gamed until the morning and went to bed for the day?? That suggests to me he actively chose to do this as a way of getting out of having to spend time with you. On a day that you were finding hard.

that for me is the issue. This is not a man you can rely on to be a true partner through ups and downs.

Deerinflashlights · 16/03/2026 08:31

Honestly it would be more about the pointless staying up until 10am than anything else for me. He could have given you support had he been awake at any time during the day.

An autistic adjacent man who is not taking care of his own primary basic needs for sleep is likely an autistic man who won’t be able to meet the complex needs family life brings and will burn out.

He already did not step up today when you were looking for support. My husband is autistic and we had some tough years when the kids were young and his autism impacted some of family life but he learned and adapted incredibly and I would not have been able to continue if he couldn’t because family life had a lot of challenges.

Today was a red flag. If there are many more you need to consider your situation.

anneblythe · 16/03/2026 08:31

Icanseethosecitylights · 15/03/2026 21:29

Yes, he has a good relationship with his parents. They just don't go in for the 'hallmark' holidays. In my family, we would give a card and small gift like flowers or a bottle of wine.

I think I'm just missing her and days like today make the lack of her being here stand out even more.

I'm definitely a more emotional person. He doesn't really have much empathy and lacks some social norms. He's not diagnosed but shows some autistic traits.

I'm sorry for your loss, and think your partner is out of order.

Lack of empathy is not an trait of autism though, and when males are selfish it's not a sign they're autistic.

Anonanonay · 16/03/2026 08:56

I’m aghast that you can find a ‘man’ like this attractive. Staying up all night gaming would give me the permanent ick. Bet he watches porn too. Ugh.

Screamingabdabz · 16/03/2026 08:56

First of all, sorry for your loss but you need to communicate your needs.

I look back and realise I probably did nothing to recognise the grief my DH was going through on various milestones after his mum died - it’s just not in my dna to think that random days are significant. I don’t get especially sad on my late dad’s birthday or Father’s Day - why would I? Grief doesn’t work like that for me, I low level miss him every day and more at funny moments that would have meant something to us both.

It’s not that ‘men don’t think’ or ‘maybe he’s neurodivergent’. Maybe he’s just not wired like you and can’t read your mind. If he’s generally thoughtless and selfish, that’s a different matter. That’s a relationship issue.