Second Mother's Day since my mum died. Fiancé left me alone all day.

[Icanseethosecitylights]

Last year, my family had a simple get together on Mother's Day as it wasn't too long after my mum had died and just felt like the right thing to do. My fiancé was with me. This year, my family all did their own thing- my siblings have kids of their own.

We don't have kids yet. His family don't do anything for these kinds of holidays, so he wasn't seeing his mum. But he decided to stay up all night last night, watching films and gaming. He went to bed at 10am this morning and I said I at least wanted him up for dinner together, because I was feeling a bit unsettled and missing my mum and didn't want to be on my own.

He didn't get up and is still in bed now. I'm angry and upset and wondering what the fucking point is. I know if I go and wake him up, he'll be pissed off and grumpy.

AIBU to hope that he would actually give a fuck and want to be around to support me today? I'd appreciate complete honesty- if I'm being a dickhead, tell me to sort myself out.

The OP did communicate her needs.

Everyone is picking up on the gaming, but the bigger issue, I think, is you said he has no empathy. Why would you ever consider being with a man who doesn't have empathy?

Raise your standards not your tolerance.

I'm another one who thinks YABU about Mother's Day and I write as someone who's Mum died last year so I've just had my first Mother's Day without her. However staying up all night gaming would piss me off.

Agree with this. He didn't want to deal with your sadness, or didn't feel able to do so, so he avoided you completely Op. This is a red flag for the future, you'll always be doing the hard times by yourself. If you want DC he's not the man for you

You do sound extremely callous.

You need to be clearer with him if you need support and what that looks like. You were expecting him to mind read.

I mean, he’s shown you that you are not a priority. Is that’s the life you want?

Does your partner actually know how you feel? If he's never celebrated mother's day with his mum and hasn't yet got a child to help celebrate their mother, then Mother's Day is just another, ordinary day,

So sorry about your mum, what a terrible loss, you're not unreasonable at all to feel whatever way you do and I hope your partner offers more support in future

I think YABU about Mother’s Day. If you know this is going to bother you it’s your job to communicate to your partner in advance. “Can we do something together on Mother’s Days as it will be a difficult day and my family aren’t arranging a gathering this year. “

However the nocturnal behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t be in an adult relationship with someone who regularly stayed up all night and slept in the day. If it’s a one off then fair enough but I suspect it’s not.

I’d ditch him for staying up all night gaming, is he 13?

From the OP:

I said I at least wanted him up for dinner together, because I was feeling a bit unsettled and missing my mum and didn't want to be on my own.

I found the second year milestones after losing my dad harder than the first year ones. You sort of expect the first ones to be hard but the second year ones I suppose highlight this is forever and everything else has moved on

@Icanseethosecitylights what are the good points of your partner. I’m struggling to see any

Is he actually a grown up? He sounds like a 15 year old.

100%. I would end the relationship. I would not want to be with such a man child (gaming all night really?) who didn’t understand the need to support me (you even explained why you were needed support so not like her forgot, he just chose gaming and then sleep over you.

I’m sorry but this is a cop out. Even advertising via email asks if you’d like to opt out of mother’s or Father’s Day communications as it can be very raw for years. But also, the OP did express the night before how she was feeling.

OP, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is no time at all since your mum’s passing and it must all be very difficult. Wishing you hugs and that things get easier with time. X

He stays up till 10am and doesn't get up for dinner? Ick 🤢

Think long and hard before you waste your precious life on a selfish gaming man with autistic traits.
This is your future but likely much worse.
Do not inflict him on children whatever you do.
Gaming till 10am?
So unattractive.
I have two sons in their 20's and they game the odd evening with friends.
What you describe is addiction gaming and these man child men make the worst husbands and fathers.
You deserve better.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who stays up all night gaming like a teenager. He does sound thoughtless. Was he up the following night too as he had bed all day? Do not have children with him.

Has DP otherwise been supportive during tge bereavement? I’m so sorry you lost your mum. I lost mine a couple of years ago too. My DP has been very supportive. But has maybe not always known what dates may upset me. Having lost my parents I know how real the connection is (or can be) between dates and enhanced feelings of longing for them/grief/missing them/reflection. But I don’t think that is always obvious to others. So him not making the connection is not in itself bad, and I’d even forgive him for not twigging how big a deal it was even when you mentioned it. (You can of course explain him more clearly what you need so it’s unmistakeable). I am a bit worried though that this is maybe not isolated so feels worse because he’s generally not being supportive enough? If so, again if he’s otherwise a good guy it could really be he doesn’t get it. I think when people haven’t lost a parent all they can do is imagine it being like a worse version of losing a more distant relative. And it’s not - especially losing your mum. He maybe loves you very much but can’t comprehend the layers, longevity and extent of this grief.

He maybe loves you very much but can’t comprehend the layers, longevity and extent of this grief.

Setting aside the Mothers' Day part, this is a man who was gaming all night and up until he went to bed at 10.00am and was still in bed after 9.00pm. So for probably somewhere not too far off 24 hours he's shown no interest in her at all. To me that's not someone who loves her very much.

Honestly I think the fact of it being Mother's Day is a red herring. Your partner stays up all night gaming and goes to bed at 10am and sleeps all day and finds this normal behaviour? This would be absolutely unacceptable to me. Couldn't be with someone who did that sort of thing. My XH used to do things like that and he would be drinking all night too - assume yours was? It's sloppy and gross and immature and gives me the massive ick.

I took that as she’d asked in the morning as he was on his way to bed. If it was important she should’ve mentioned it a few days before.

You’d have to have a heart of stone or no brain cells to not think that Mother’s Day maybe hard for someone who has lost their mum.

And surely being awake for dinner is not something you have to ask someone to do on any day (unless someone works night shifts)