AIBU to think paternal grandparents are treated as the spare option?

[Itsabingthin]

If you’re the paternal grandparent, are you the spare? I’ve noticed this pattern.
You have to earn your place by providing childcare, and then you can be more involved. Whereas the maternal grandparents are the default, and it makes no difference to their standing whether they provide regular childcare or not.

I love this idea of men as peacekeepers.

Completely depends on the family dynamic and how much effort people put in to the relationship.

When I was with my exh, I would say definitely not. I think the two sets were treated equally. Exh still sees a lot of his Mum with joint kids and his younger kids.

When I was a child definitely yes but that was partly due to my Dad being less close to his parents/ making less effort and partly due to them living 5/6 hours away as opposed to 2 hours to my Mum’s parents.

I do think my Mum struggles with the idea of other sides of the family (my ex ILS, my auntie’s ILs etc) as being equal though.

She’s ok with my brother’s ILs being seen as equal but they are from her cultural background so that helps (they from the country that her family originates from) plus my brother doesn’t have children.

I think it depends which parent facilitates the relationships. I am naturally closer to my parents so will invite my mam over if DH is away, or drop by for a coffee or go shopping with her etc. therefore DS sees more of them. However, DH does also do similar with his parents, but not as often.

About 50:50 with us, although when they were younger, I would prefer my DM to look after DCs because MIL had a way of overstepping the mark that my DM never did. I always had the knowledge that she might well undermine me so I would much prefer my DM having them.

DH is really bad at organising to see MIL. She is lovely but I have enough to organise with DC so leave it him. Will say to him to invite her round for things but try to leave it to him to make the actual arrangements.

If he made more of an effort we would see her a lot more.

For me it's obvious, I am much closer to my mum than my MIL, and my DH doesn't make much effort to see his mum, therefore we don't see her very often. But also, she knows where we are, she doesn't message or pop in to see us or her grandkids 🤷
The kids from babies would usually be with me, so they would see whoever I was seeing

Nope, not my experience

A lot depends on individual family circumstances of course, although perhaps women are more reliant on the continued support and close relationship with their parents if they have DC of their own.

In my personal experience, however, PIL can be less interested in the children of their son than their daughter. Neither my parents or my in-laws live particularly close but my parents have always made more effort to see us and be involved. DH's parents live over 100 miles away, so of course it's not that easy to see them regularly, but we have always tried to arrange things several times per year. When they do visit, they only stay a couple of hours before they want to leave. We offer to visit them more often as we know it's a long drive for them but they get stressed at having us visit the house as they feel the need to prepare a large meal (we have offered to take our own food or take them out for lunch).

They have previously offered to have our DC to stay for a few days in the holidays but when it comes down to actually arranging something, they never want to do it. However, they see a lot of their grandchildren on their DD's side. They are closer, only about 45 minutes away, so of course that makes it easier. But they provide childcare several times a week and have their DD and the DGC over every weekend. When DH speaks to them on the phone they spend all their time talking about the other grandchildren and barely ask about our DC.

DH has an otherwise good relationship with them and speaks to them regularly on the phone. I know it upsets him that they show so little interest in our DC though and only see them for a couple of hours twice a year.

That is a very personal and generalised statement.

Dynamics will vary depending on numerous factors/variables.
The relationship the parents have with the grandparents
How close they all live
Time availability of those involved etc.

Personally there has not been go to grandparents and spare grandparents for us. Time was/is spent with both, regardless of whether they were providing childcare or not.

I spend as much time on the phone with my mother in law as I do my own mum. DC enjoys spending time with both too, although the activites done with both are different.

We are maybe more fortunate than some in that both families live nearby to us, and get on well with each other ( and we have even all been on holiday together without any drama - other than everyone wanting to let everyone else choose what we did- so DH and I chose🙂).

If you’re the paternal grandparent, are you the spare? I’ve noticed this pattern.
You have to earn your place by providing childcare, and then you can be more involved. Whereas the maternal grandparents are the default, and it makes no difference to their standing whether they provide regular childcare or not.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as that. As many posters have said, it does vary and depends on many factors.

However, I would say that realistically, if you want to be involved in your grandchild’s life, you probably will need to provide some element of childcare. I’m not talking about committing to a day or two a week in place of nursery, or collecting the children from school. But more like be willing to and actively wanting to take them out for the afternoon, have them for lunch or dinner on a weekend or having them overnight occasionally.

Once maternity leave is over, most families don’t have the time to spend visiting relatives to ensure they are involved in their children’s lives. If you want to be involved in your grandchild’s life, you really do need to make the effort.

My PIL. Were loving adoring grandparents that were a great part of my childrens life.
They adired all 9 of their grandchildren equally.
My mother had a golden grandchild and it was not any of mine.

I miss MIL. Every day. She has been gone 6 years and I miss that wonderdul woman so much. (fIl has been gone 22 years) my mother has been gone 10 years and. Ita rare I miss her.

In our fanily the Paternal grandparents were the "real" grandparents...

As a child I had a loving relationship with both paternal and maternal grandparents.

Was that the case with you and your partner's parents?

I try hard to make sure it’s as equal and even as can be but I do think there is a bit of natural difference in the mums are often (obviously not always and every family is different!) the ones doing more of the childcare or organising with children and they often feel more comfortable with their parents as that is how they grew up. I had a good relationship with my paternal GP growing up and I am making sure DC do with theirs but I am definitely more relaxed around mine so it takes more effort. Also my in-laws are older and not as fit so I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them looking after young DC alone but I do make sure we see them regularly and send photos/make crafts for them etc. I also think sometimes inlaws can unintentionally make DILs feel uncomfortable during such a pivotal life milestone of having children and it can sometimes be hard to move past that. For example my in-laws expected me to be like my SIL when I had the baby, through no fault of their own it was just what was normal to them but SIL and I are very different in she was happy with people having the baby lots straight away and I wasn’t. Neither is right or wrong but it did cause tension initially as I’m sure in-laws felt left out a bit and I felt under pressure too. My parents know me better so it was less of an issue.

Not necessarily - I was close to both sets of grandparents. It helped that my mum and her MIL got along well.

My ILs moved abroad when our children were small so while we visited for holidays, they were closer to my parents who were there for every birthday, Christmas, days out, bbqs etc and had them to stay for a few days in the holidays. That's just how life worked out.

If you raise your sons to be lacking in the empathy department you will see them less as adults because they’ve never been functioning adults if their own accord who have been taught the value in maintaining family relationships. Often it’s a problem of their own making.

How involved is your DS in planning the family social calendar, or is this a job he delegates to your DIL?
My PIL and their families have been super welcoming to me from the first day DH took me to meet them, and I love them for that generosity of spirit. They are certainly not spare family for us.

If that's the case then the father (son of In Laws) should step up and sort it out

I hate these threads as it’s all so individual isn’t it?

I don’t even bother going round to my PIL now, I’ve given up. They make no effort at all, they live a 5 minute drive & MIL never suggests coming round etc. If it’s ours or the kids birthdays she will just put a card through the door & leave…
But that’s not because they’re the paternal grandparents, it’s because they don’t care!!

The children see my mum & dad more often (divorced) as they come round once a week or in my mums case, picks the kids up from school & has them for tea once a week. They actually - shock horror - make the effort and - shock horror - have a closer relationship with us all.

I definitely do not have the perfect relationship with my parents as they drive me insane but again, nothing to do with paternal vs maternal.

I speak to my dad’s dad every day! I love him dearly and he’s always been a huge part of my life. My mum’s parent’s are dead now but I saw a lot of them too, even though I never saw my mum. My DC’s don’t see their paternal grandmother because she’s a nightmare, if she wasn’t then I’d be happy for them to have a relationship with her.

My dad’s parents were so involved in my life. My dad is an only child, as am I - so, an only grandchild on that side.

I really miss them.

Paternal grandparent involvement is very much the responsibility of the their son. Many paternal grandparents who feel sidelined actually have sons who put very little effort into taking their children to see them, whose sons do not bother to arrange visits or special occasions or whose sons are happy for their wife to arrange everything for them.

Wives and mothers have enough to do. It is the son's responsibility to ensure his own parents get a look in and have celebration's.

It’s completely individual.

Here the grandparents on both sides are equally disinterested 🙄

My kids see my parents more because they make more of an effort with us. I saw my grandparents fairly evenly as they both tried.