AIBU to think paternal grandparents are treated as the spare option?

[Itsabingthin]

If you’re the paternal grandparent, are you the spare? I’ve noticed this pattern.
You have to earn your place by providing childcare, and then you can be more involved. Whereas the maternal grandparents are the default, and it makes no difference to their standing whether they provide regular childcare or not.

My paternal grandparents were much more involved un my life.
My kids paternal grandparents were basically terrible people so never really had a realstionsip with thier grandchildren, surely it depends on the people involved?

Not here. We probably see paternal grandparents more as they drive so can come and visit for a day whereas my parents need to stay, my parents also don’t have room for us to stay if we visit.

So many variables. PIL are 5 hours away and have had zero interest in DD for well over a decade. I don’t even consider them to be grandparents in anything other than a genetic sense.

Most of the other (local) grandchildren get far more from PIL as paternal grandparents than maternal.

Unfortunately paternal GPs are worse than spare here, I would love for them to be more involved but they don't bother with us at all. Therefore I have to heavily rely on my parents.

Totally disagree my parents are great but they live a little further away from us plus are older . My DH’s parents very involved grandparents. They take my son every week for a day and he is just mad about them. I hate to admit it but I think he does prefer them to my parents (even though I obviously prefer my own parents to my in laws).

That's not how it works for us - both before and since having my son, we've seen far more of my parents in law than my parents, for both practical and emotional reasons.

Assuming distance is not a factor, it does seem to come down to the son/child’s father.

Many mothers will turn to their own, familiar, mum, for help, and that becomes the norm. It does require the dad to show some interest in maintaining those relationships.

This is my view as an observer, but also as the wife of a man who would avoid family gatherings wherever possible.

I’m just noticing in general with other people around me. Even a thread on here asking why does DIL parents get priority.

Disagree.

Growing up, my dad’s parents were much more involved and we saw them more often. This was mainly geography - they lived 10 minutes walk away, and so there was lots of popping round, childcare was easier, and they did school pick ups as they were close by. My mum’s parents lived 3-4 miles away - we saw them and had a good relationship but it was more regimented - fixed times on a Sunday for a few hours.

DD sees much more of my parents because they live round the corner. DH’s parents live 40 miles away, so she sees them less and there’s less day to day interaction.

So the main determinant is simply geography / convenience.

I think men do less to invite their own families over, yes. I suspect this impacts on how often they see their grandkids and how at ease their partner feels with them having the kids. However in lots of cases I personally know, the women don't have family or mothers and would love to be able to rely on any grandparents who would help.

Some families may behave that way but I made really sure to make my inlaws feel included

surely this is an issue with your son though

They’re usually more bothered with their DD’s children. IME.

Not here my paternal grandmother was my primary carer I’d say from very young to about 12 - she died when I was 14 I would stay with her most nights in the week as my mum and dad often worked nights, she’d take me to school etc pick me up.

Just because the op asked that question on that thread, it doesn’t make it true. Our sons have agency and can make their own decisions. If a son isn’t making an effort then that’s on him. If he wanted to then he would.

There is a popular Scottish song called "Ye cannae shove your granny off a bus".

Right at the end it says "Ye can shove your other granny, cos she's your daddy's mammy".

Says it all really.

Honestly, while we’re fond of them, both sets of parents are quite mad, and are best regarded as amiable background noise in all cases.

There's nothing unusual about women turning to their own mothers for support when they have children. If someone's son doesn't turn to them, people blame his wife or partner. Which is ludicrous.

My daughter in law treats me as well as her mum. We just live 250 miles away.

Exactly, this thread is reading as if the wife is the causation when we all know wives already have to get their inlaw's birthday/anniversary/christmas presents and manage their husband's social calendars on top of the housework and childcare. Men need to step up keep their own families involved and stay more involved in their own families.

People can’t cope with the idea that their sons don’t really want to spend time with them. It’s easier to blame their dil’s.

Think it depends on family dynamics. Once DD was 6 months old I made an effort when on maternity leave to bring DD to spend time with my in laws. My DM passed away 18 months ago but by the time she passed both grandparents spent equal equal time. DD is 3 now and my in laws spend time with her weekly as well as occasional babysitting if needed. My in laws are amazing grandparents and are the favourite pver my dad (who DD also loves)

I think while you are on on maternity leave it's the natural urge to want to spend more time with your own parents if they are around, as opposed to your inlaws. But it does also depend on effort coming from the other way.

My inlaws made minimal effort to see ours, it was always us going to see them at their house, whereas my parents would visit our house often, even though they live slightly further away (both sets of parents live less than 40 mins away but from the way MIL used to talk you'd think 20 mins drive is like Outer Mongolia).

Even before we had the kids, though, we lived in London for a while for 4 years, and the inlaws only came to see us ONCE in that whole time. And that was to use us as free accommodation when they were flying from the airport next morning. It's hurtful.

Plus, personalities come into it. FIL is quite loud and has a habit of taking over the conversation, and talking over people, and that doesn't mix well with a quiet deep-thinking kind of child who is thoughtful in his responses. They never switch the bloody telly off either, so the conversation is always quite superficial. And MIL ignored all modern ways of childcare, including with things like safe sleep, so I never wanted to leave the kids with them overnight.

It all contributes.

My parents live in another country and still saw DD more times than her paternal grandparents ever did. They had no interest. I’m not going to force /beg people to have a relationship with her.

My In-laws are not even good for once a year babysitting let alone being involved.

If we ask for that once a year which we stopped years ago I’d always have to have my mum on back up and always ended up needing her as in-laws always suddenly had something come up. Manage sils children every single week mind 😂

We used to go for weekly dinners with them but then Sil had children. They meet up in secret for Chinese take aways now that we are never invited to.

It’s funny because sils children are feraallll

Inlaws couldn’t tell you what our children like or enjoy.

Daughters tend to make more effort with their parents so this continues once grandchildren are born.

Sons tend to make less effort because it’s less expected from men.

On the other hand giving birth is a process that involves nudity so maybe not wanting your MIL there is understandable. Not wanting to breastfeed in front of your FIL is also understandable to some extent.

I have sons and will be nice to their gf well before they have children (if they want) so they don’t feel like human incubators and want to see me too. I will understand if they prefer their mums whe giving birth (my sons wouldn’t want a prostate exam in front of their FIL) My sons are young adults who have settled into discussing emotional stuff like their gf with me and I hope that they will share their adult life with me but I don’t want to be in a competition with her parents.