AIBU to think paternal grandparents are treated as the spare option?

[Itsabingthin]

If you’re the paternal grandparent, are you the spare? I’ve noticed this pattern.
You have to earn your place by providing childcare, and then you can be more involved. Whereas the maternal grandparents are the default, and it makes no difference to their standing whether they provide regular childcare or not.

This isn't always true sorry. My children are much closer to and see my parents a lot more than my husband's mother because she blatantly favours her daughter and her children and treats mine (and my husband) like an after thought. Although I'm sure she would claim otherwise.

I’m sorry that’s awful.

But the OP indicates that she wants more time with her DGC. That’s up to her DS to facilitate.

100% bollocks.

Where I think it CAN be true, is that often the man in a relationship is a slacker and so makes no effort with his own family and certainly not to organise engagement between his family and his children. And so yes, in those situations, the maternal grandparents often become default grandparents. Which I think is perfectly reasonable - why should a woman be responsibile for creating a relationship between her childrne and her husband's parents.

Oh absolutely. I also refuse to facilitate anything between my children and MIL because of her behaviour and leave everything up to my husband. But he is equally disinterested. She will claim that she wants to spend time with them or that my husband doesn't call her very often so to somebody looking in from the outside it may appear that he is the one at fault but he really, really isn't.

I also don't take anything to do with buying presents for his family but that's another story 😂

Not for me but I have never lived in the same city as my parents. Surely depends on many factors. Growing up I had a far closer relationship with paternal grandma as she took so much interest in my life.

My in laws and my parents are treated exactly the same. We’re a close family - in fact, my family and DH’s family all get on really well as family get togethers and my parents invite my MIL (FIL died a few years ago) to have dinner with us at theirs now and then. I have two sisters…one of their PILs are awful and just hardly ever bother so my parents are the ‘default’ but that wouldn’t be the case if the PILs were more interested. The other sister has a similar situation although not quite as bad.

It depends on two things:
How active the son is with the children
How close the son is with his parents.

When the wife is doing most of the childcare and is much closer to her parents, it is natural they spend more time with those grandparents.

Hands off dad who isn't close to his parents = second class grandparents.

It’s got nothing to do with the females parens getting priority and 100% to do with the male parent not making an effort with their own parents.

It is not the females parents responsibility to arrange or take control of her male partner facilitating time with his parents.

Time and time again the female parent is seen as controlling or a bitch for spending more time with her own parents but it is not her responsibility to also be in charge of the relationship with her male partners family.

How often did your DHs parents look after your kids?

When I got married, I viewed both sets of parents as equally important. During the engagement period, we probably spent more time at the ILs house. When we got married and moved into a new home together, I called my mother and father regularly. We had a standing arrangement for regular visits. The invited us to visit.

With my MIL (because FIL just kept out of it and left it to his wife), what was going on in my house behind the scenes was that I was asking DH if he should call his parents because it had been a while, asking him if he shouldn't be inviting his parents to visit, because they weren't organising it and I thought they should be part of the family. DH's relationship with his family was entirely maintained by me.

Meanwhile MIL drove things to the point I one day said I was leaving his family to him and not doing the work anymore. It had nothing to do with either side taking priority. If they can't be bothered, why should I?