AIBU to think paternal grandparents are treated as the spare option?

[Itsabingthin]

If you’re the paternal grandparent, are you the spare? I’ve noticed this pattern.
You have to earn your place by providing childcare, and then you can be more involved. Whereas the maternal grandparents are the default, and it makes no difference to their standing whether they provide regular childcare or not.

It depends on the effort they put in. We get a phone call every 2 weeks and either visit or MIL comes here about once a month. We haven't seen FIL since our wedding 7 years ago and the last time my DH spoke to him was when he called to let him know our DS was born.

MIL has been invited on numerous days out, Christmas and even my DS birthday party but didn't show up.

My DP look after my DS when I'm working, see him every single day and keep him for sleepovers.

Effort has to go 2 ways.

Yep. I've read a few threads on here along those lines and I just think, if he wanted to involve you more he would. Expecting his wife to do it or blaming her if he doesn't, is pretty pathetic.

Today my dd came here for lunch. Her partner went to his mums. That’s because he cared about spending time with his mum and so he did.

My DH made lunch and then this afternoon he left to go and spend time with his mum.

Men make it happen when they want to.

it really does totally depend on your son @Itsabingthin

If you would like more access/involvement and you're starting to become somewhat resentful/pushed out, it is not your DiL who should shoulder the blame, at all.

Talk to yer laddie, do not let it fester🌸

My dc’s maternal grandparents (my parents) actually cared, bothered to call, to visit and made us welcome when we visited, the same cannot be said of their paternal grandparents who treated us like either an annoyance or a duty, neither lived close so no childcare dynamic, but paternal grandparents (divorced) both lived under an hour away and can count the number of visits of either on one hand. Kids now adults and their paternal grandmother seems confused as to why they never bother visiting.

And yes expectations once pregnancy.

Many a friend has had a barely there relationship with their in-laws and the second they are pregnant the mil normally seems to think they magically the dil will now want to spend sooo much time with her now she’s an incubator.

Firmly believe that if you didn’t have a close relationship prior don’t expect one to appear after.

On mat leave and Post part mums want their mums forget the baby but mums want their mums they have come through a lot. You often see the difference again mum visits her daughter checks she’s ok first. Mil visits straight to baby and son.

On mat leave daughter visits her mum so of course baby is there. Mil is all bent out of shape over it despite never having a coffee and shopping relationship with dil.

My children's paternal grandparents were our default grandparents. My late MIL was a bloody amazing parent and grandparent, she loved and was loved by everyone who knew her.

Daughters generally stay closer to parents and make more effort to communicate. I see it happen all the time with friends. As the paternal in-law you better not fall out with DiLs - men are typically too weak to advocate for you and would rather keep the peace. Remember too, the kids and you probably wouldn’t get a Christmas present or birthday card either if the DiL wasn’t doing it

Haha well my now ex MIL was only interested in my kids on her terms and wasn’t in any way interested in them as people, more how they reflected on her own self image, and my own mother moved away and has never had frequent regular contact because her 5th husband made it very clear he ‘doesn’t do family’ so we’ve never spent a single significant celebration together.

I think the involvement of paternal grandparents probably depends on the relationship they have built with the DIL. Most of the time, women are the primary carers so tend to sort most of the childcare, activities etc.

If they have a closer relationship with their own parents they will naturally lean on them more.

Paternal grandparents are as useless as their bloody son 🙄 they’ve zero interest in their grandchildren, they are for Facebook or others

I honestly don’t think many would ever stop a truly genuine loving family member, who actually wants to spend time with their grandchild would.

I do agree I think it’s natural when women turn to their own parents for support. However I don’t manage any of this stuff for my DH I couldn’t be arsed and why should I ? I also expect him to do 50 percent of the childcare as well because we both work and his parents are proactive and interested in their grandchildren so i guess im lucky in that respect .

I saw more of paternal grandparents than maternal ones. My DDs are good at ensuring they split time fairly between us and their pils. Eldest dd and her dh had breakfast with us and went out for tea with pils. Middle dd spent day with us her bf spent day with his family. Christmas they do tend to prioritise us but we have a young child but they still see their in-laws Xmas day evening

You will obviously hear on this thread from the exceptions, but, yes, it's definitely a pattern with studies showing maternal grandparents are twice as likely to be the most involved. It stands to reason, assuming an equally good relationship with both sets, that mothers who are most likely to be primary carers of children and tend to take the lead in domestic arrangements are going to gravitate to their own family. Any parents of sons who wants to buck the trend need to raise them not to see family as women's work

I saw my paternal grandparents every week. They were lovely people. My maternal grandparents weren't interested in us and I only saw them three or four times in my entire life. My own DC saw both sets of grandparents equally. It depends on the individuals, where they live, whether they work and so on.

Men shouldn’t really need to be raised to understand that family life isn’t “women’s work”. Most of them are perfectly capable of reaching that conclusion themselves. As a woman, I was taught that it was women’s work, and I still managed to work out on my own that it isn’t.

When people say that we should be teaching this to our sons, they’re still putting the burden back on women.

Nope PIL are default here. They live an hour a way- hubby is disabled, and they are amazing (do DIY, childcare, and are generally amazing). My parents live further away but hubby will phone his parents to organise childcare before he would consider my parents....

Another vote for PIL’s - my DH has amazing parents and I don’t. We moved hundreds of miles to be near them and our kids have a really close relationship with them.

I suppose when you're busy going on lots of world cruises then being involved with raising your DGC comes second fiddle 🤷‍♀️

I never did feel MIL wanted to be truly involved. DM has her health issues more these days so we hardly see them.

I don’t know because the maternal grandparents have obviously been very very involved in the raising of their own daughter
They might have run out of steam by the time they get to the grandkids

My parents are dead and PIL are local and very involved.

It varies. I'm far more involved in my GD's lives than DIL's mother. It's just the way it works out. It depends on families, proximity, a load of things.

It’s more to do with the kids dad than the paternal grandparents. If the mum is organising everything she will lean on her parents, if a dad is an active parent then he includes his parents. It’s not a woman’s responsibility to facilitate that relationship if the dad isn’t bothering

I don't think it's as cut and dry as that. But I also get that it is more normal for maternal GPs to be more involved, due to the likelihood of things such as shared values, more open communication, more sense of entitlement etc. My parents are much more involved with our kids, than my husband's, because I just trust them more, and I don't feel awkward about asking them and if something happens that I'm unhappy about I feel I can talk to my parents and they will respect what I'm saying. They are more emotionally intelligent and reliable. Having said this, I can understand that if you are emotionally intelligent and respectful of parenting choices, and willing to help, it must be upsetting to feel like the back up.

Fairly evenly shared because DH organises stuff with his folks and I do the same with mine. Coordinating diaries.