My mum and situation with autistic son

[SugarNBrown]

Hello,

My mother's day has not been great. My son is autistic and high needs (non verbal, limited understanding etc) and he has been very easily triggered today.

We have had a lot of meltdowns, lots of crying and tantrums, lots of pinching me. I am exhausted.

We originally had arranged to have a low key affair today with my mum, my grandparents and my siblings at one of their houses, with sandwiches and picnic type food.

It was then changed to a meal at a restaurant that gets very busy. I was uneasy about this due to my sons unpredictable behaviour initially and did make comments about not being sure if that would work for us.

Anyway, due to above behaviour today, I rang and said I was simply not going to be able to take my son to a restaurant in the current circumstances and would see them at my mums after they had finished their lunch.

My mum has form for being quite emotionally blackmailing but her response was quite upsetting.

She said she was annoyed and 'we all have our shit to deal with, why is yours any worse?'
'There is no point you popping in afterwards'
'Why should I not get to have a meal if that's what I wanted to do'
'You obviously don't care enough to make it work'

And various versions of the above. I said I think it would be beneficial for everyone including yourselves and others in the restaurant for me and my son to sit it out today as quite frankly, it's not fun for anyone to witness these types of meltdowns and certainly not for me to try and calm him down.

I just felt the response was lacking any understanding and has made me feel really quite shit.

I would have told her the day isn’t about her, it’s all mothers including you, that you have had a really bad day because your son, who can’t help it, has been overwhelmed and is not in the place to be able to go out and it would be good to get some support rather than a selfish woe is me attitude and out the phone down

Then I would not bother with her until she apologises

@SugarNBrown I’m actually surprised you didn’t tell her to go f**k herself! Leave her with the miserable day she deserved.

Jesus, has she ever babysat your child? Does she have any idea? Talk about making it all about her. Is she always that lacking in empathy?

I'm sorry you're Mother's Day didn't go smoothly. You absolutely made the right decision not to go and I'm sorry your mother couldn't understand that.

Thank you so much for these responses. I can not tell you how much better they have made me feel, that other people recognise the struggle. It's such a hard thing to do, raising a child with extra needs and having some understanding makes such a difference. So thank you again.

You don't HAVE to be very careful. Or even a little bit careful. You can stop being careful, let her fly off the handle all she likes, and take no notice. Tantrummers often knock it off when they see it's not getting a reaction. Worth a try. I mean, something needs to change here; you can't just go on with her treating you like this. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. At the moment she's got you trained to put her at the centre of everything, all the time.

She sounds quite emotionally immature and exhausting.

I understand she may have been upset, but surely to god she must realise your hands were completely tied and you were thinking of the better good for everyone including her!! 💐

You op, you're a good mum, your mother on the other hand sounds like a selfish self absorbed cowbag, you deserve better than her.

She’s expecting you to be the daughter you were before you became a mother yourself, she obviously would have been prioritised today but You now have a son who’s needs come before her wants and she’s still very immaturely fighting for first place. She sounds narcissistic. You did absolutely nothing wrong always prioritise what is best for you and your child and don’t be made to feel bad it’s not his fault and he shouldn’t be set up to fail so she can have a nice meal.

Absolutely this! It's your mother's day as well...why on earth is it about what she wants only?! So selfish and not realistic to the situation at all. You couldn't win here sadly OP x

I cannot understand why she would try and emotionally blackmail you in to a situation that would upset your son and make the dinner a very stressful situation for you. It's also meant to be a celebration for you, not just her! As your family they should be adapting to your sons needs.

I'm so sorry OP that is absolutely awful. I'm a mum to DS who has ASD (5yo) - seems high functioning to everyone else but eating out is hit and miss. When I go out with my parents and DS for a meal (they are very understanding and supportive) - sometimes DS can have a meltdown because it's too noisy, too smelly, too busy, doesn't eat anything etc and my parents have stayed inside and DS and I have sat outside eating where it's quieter or my mums will take DS home so I can eat out and have a break or we have had to change venue. And I'm so grateful for their support and empathy. Conversely MIL refuses to acknowledge DS diagnosis and we just don't see her anymore, let alone go out for a meal with her. You reap what you sow. You don't owe your mum anything and its ok to distance yourself a bit to protect yourself from this level of hostility - life if hard enough when you're a SEN parent.

You are a good mum putting your son first. She is clearly not.

I hope the rest of your mother's day was ok. You sound like you have a self mother who made the decision that you might not be able to go by switching the venue to a restaurant. She's clearly forgotten that it's your day too.

You need stronger boundaries. You should have kept with the low key meal at home.

You didn't do anything wrong and your mum was being very selfish getting offended by you prioritising your child's needs which is the very epitome of motherhood. Restaurants on Mothering Sunday are horrible - second only to valentine's day for them packing in every table and churning through the customers as quickly as possible without caring about whether it's enjoyable to feel so rushed and crowded while eating. Totally inappropriate to take a child who is already disregulated.

Solidarity for you. We are deep in a burnout phase and I didn't get a card from one child until 8pm as they were hiding in a tent all day, having been awake for 50 hours and very dysregulated, smelly and hungry but unable to eat or wash. My poor other children had tried to arrange something nice.

We had a good day because we leaned in and recognised how hard it was for everyone ans how we could celebrate one another anyway. And I was made up to get the little card at the end of the day - what an achievement of love. for someone in that state to write me a card.

If my mum had said anything like that I would have been devastated. I recognise the work you do OP. Well done and happy mother's day.xxx

By the way - too much rigidity when plans change, rejection sensitivity and poor emotional regulation on the part of your mother? Just leaving that there... I don't know how much you have considered your genetic inheritance....

So she doesnt want to understand her grandson at all or the energy it takes to parent.

Id grey rock op and not reply.

I'm sorry your mum was so hurtful, you weren't unreasonable at all to not want to take a severely autistic child to somewhere where you knew he would have a meltdown. 💐

Yanbu mothers day in restaurant would be mobbed more so than usual. Highly overwhelming

Yes, I do believe from the genetic point of view it has come through my nans line. My nan is a lot more understanding but there is themes of rejection, not wanting to see others point of view, very easily irritated. Big jumps in mood - my mum can be the most wonderful lady when she wants to be, she can also be like she was yesterday. We can go from her shouting and saying the most horrendous things to then receiving pages of messages praising me and how sorry she is. It messes with your head.